(Closed) Advice? Is this what it really is?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2224 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@profette:  I’m not sure what to tell you regarding what that time is supposed to represent, but you had better figure out fast if seeing other people is allowed or not. I’m betting that in your book, you won’t be seeing other guys and that he should not see other girls. But if you don’t define that early on, you never know what could happen. So my advice to you is to get back in touch with him and find out what’s okay and what’s not while you’re apart.

 

Post # 4
Member
1188 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with taking time apart, but I”m a little curious as to why you feel that’s the solution.  You say you need help figuring out who you are and some self-esteem issues.  Have you considered seeing a therapist?  They can provide you with some tools that will help you better zoom in on what you really want.

Has your boyfriend seen a career counselor, possibly someone from his university?  Perhaps they could help him figure out why he’s not finding employment if his field has a high need.  It could be something simple, like having a subpar resume or perhaps he doesn’t interview well.  A career counselor could really help him out in that area and help him secure a position.  

I think that you both need some outside help, but I don’t think you need to be apart for it.  In fact, it might be really beneficial to have the other person root you on.  In my experience, when things are rough, it’s nice to just have that one person you can lean on and talk to.

Are the two of you having issues between the two of you?

Post # 5
Member
4575 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I am sorry, but I am having trouble understanding why is it that you two need to be apart for 2 weeks to figure out what you want of life.  Can you still be together and figure it out together? or is it that you both have to figure out whether or not you two should be together?  If the case is your relationship, then I understand the time apart, but if is just to figure out what you want of life, then I dont see why the separation.  When you one day marry him, are you going to take time apart to figure who pays what bills or who washes the dishes or who takes the garbage out?  Please dont think i am being mean.  I just think if you two are committed and love each other and want to be with each other and maybe, hopefully one day get married, then why the time apart to just figure out what one is going to do about career or whatnot.  GL

Post # 6
Member
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I have to agree with previous posters.  In a serious relationship and even in a marriage you two are supposed to be a team, stick together and help each other through tough times.

I’m not sure why the separation is necessary unless there are issues between the two of you in the relationship vs. self involved issues.  Counselling individually and together would be a good start for both of you to get some clarity and guidance on your relationship and your individual lives and how to move forward, hopefully together.

Good luck, I hope everything works out.

Post # 7
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

It sounds to me like you both need therapy, not “time apart.”

 

Post # 8
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

First of all, kudos to you for being brave enough to step back from the relationship right now. You will get a lot of comments to the effect of “any growth you could do outside of the relationship, you could do inside it,” and “it sounds like you need to work on yourself. Don’t throw away a perfectly good relationship because of doubts you’re having in your own life!” I call bullshit on those comments. This is not to say that you shouldn’t be able to grow in a good relationship–you absolutely should!–or even that you can’t grow in your current relationship. But I do think that often, we are not the best judges of what a “good” relationship looks like, especially when we’re confused about who we are as people and what we want out of life. We often mistake stable for good, and there aren’t nearly enough nuanced discussions of what constitutes a “good” relationship and how to build one. I stayed in a long-term “good,” stable relationship because the doubting voice inside of me wasn’t loud enough to drown out the “stick with it and work on yourself more!” advice that I was given.

Now, one and a half years into marriage, I am realizing that I never fully tackled these issues head-on, and am considering divorce.

Yes, get yourself a therapist, even a couple’s therapist if that’s what you want (but please get an individual therapist as well), but also pay a LOT of attention to that voice in you that says “I don’t know who I am. I need to explore myself,” because that voice will not go away. So many people approach these situations from the perspective that staying in the relationship is inherently better for you, but that is not always the case. Do you feel that your relationship inspires you and nurtures you? Are you excited by your partner? Stimulated? Or do you feel trapped in your relationship, like you’re not sure how to move forward and figure out who you are? Is your relationship an emotionally intimate one? If you feel trapped by your relationship, you really need to pay attention to that and consider separating (probably for longer than two weeks). 

So yes, I think that two weeks separation is a great idea, and I think that will have to be accompanied by some brutal honesty–with him, but also largely with yourself. What is your intuition telling you? Do you feel empowered by the relationship to explore who you are and what you want out of life? Do you feel free to do that within the terms of the relationship now? If not, could you change those terms? 

Your situation may not be as extreme as mine, or maybe it is. I don’t know. But I’ll give you the advice that I wish someone had given me earlier in my relationship (and which I am now trying to give myself): You are the most important person in your life. Trust yourself. Your growth is important. Choose yourself. If you are to be with your partner fully for the rest of your life, you need to learn to honor yourself and find yourself and have the freedom to grow as a person. So make that a priority, and the rest will fall into place.

Post # 9
Member
1966 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@distracts:  agreed. 

I don’t know what two weeks apart will do but some counseling will go along way. 

Post # 11
Member
1188 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@profette:  Then I’d find someone else for him.  A good career counselor could pinpoint the issue.  If there are jobs, and he’s simply not getting them, then it’s something he’s doing.  It’s a tough job market, so even something small could make the difference between getting hired and not.  

Also try your sliding scale clinic in your county for you, assuming you’re in the US.  They go based on income and even if you make good money, it caps out a lot lower than regular therapy.  

Post # 12
Member
543 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

i dont understand why you have to be apart to figure things out? if you cannot figure them out together, maybe it is not working out… and you guys are just not ready to admit that. 

Post # 13
Member
3552 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

If no one knows why your Boyfriend or Best Friend is not getting the jobs he interviews for he should be contacting the hiring managers after he is notified he did not get the job to find out what he could have done better. They are usually happy to offer advice to make you a better job candidate in the future.

Post # 14
Member
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I have to say that I disagree with PP who have said you need to work it out together.  I’m not necessarily saying that option should be taken off the table, but until you really know who you are and what you want out of life, you really can’t be all that you need to be for your partner.  I went through a string of brief relationships in my early 20’s and came to the realization that the reason I wasn’t finding anyone who was compatible with me was because I wasn’t sure what “compatible” really looked like for me.  How can you truly know that this man is the right one for you when you don’t really know who you are?  Once I took a step back from the dating game and took some time to focus on myself and reflect on ME, things became so much clearer – I knew what I really wanted out of my life…I discovered who I was (my true likes, dislikes, desires, goals, dreams) instead of who I was trying to be…and although I had been telling myself that I didnt’ need a man in my life to be complete, I came to a place where that was actually true!  Again, I’m not saying that you should break it off and go off on some self-discovery journey, but taking some time to get away from the millions of voices pulling you in one direction or another could be exactly what you need to gain some perspective.  And if he will do the same during this time apart, you may find that you were exactly where you were supposed to be all along, but because you have a new found enlightenment of yourselves, you will be able to step into that role with much more confidence and certainty. 

All of that being said, I know that this is a very difficult road to walk, but I have to give you props for making that decision for yourselves.  I truly wish you all the best as you walk it out.  ((hugs)) It’s going to be alright 😉

Post # 16
Member
4523 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Omgbunnies:  +1

@Eckle:  +1

@profette:  It *sounds* like a seperation to me, and I agree with other gals who say you should figure out, up front, what the terms of this are.  I definitely respect the decision the two of you made to get some clarity in your lives, even if it’s not the exact way I would do it. 

I’m trying to put myself in your shoes but am having a hard time, as my Boyfriend or Best Friend is the first person I run to when I need to work through something.  I wish I had more advice to give you, and I agree counseling together would be a great idea if this is a relationship you want to last longterm 🙂

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