ADVICE – MOB here and I need advice, PLEASE!

posted 1 year ago in Family
  • poll: Should I (MOB) have discussion with her (MOG) outside of our kids (ENGAGED COUPLE)
    Yes : (5 votes)
    13 %
    NO : (34 votes)
    87 %
  • Post # 16
    Member
    2487 posts
    Buzzing bee

    MOG TWICE, each time with excellent results.

    Smile, bow out of ANY conversation with any faction, let the couple deal, and no intrusions from anyone. NOT ANYONE.

    Post # 17
    Member
    1211 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

     I don’t see the harm of meeting with her but you definitely need to have scripts ready for when she tries to talk about steering your respective childrens’ views of their own wedding. Things like “I’m sure the kids will plan what works best for them.” Rinse and repeat. You don’t want to get dragged down into it. 

    Post # 18
    Member
    2219 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2018

    Nothing wrong with meeting up with her, and you don’t want to just blow her off, because that could blow back on your daughter.  But I would practice your lines for when she tries to enlist you in her meddling.  “The kids seem to have it under control.”  “We’re just doing what they tell us, haha!”  “It’s great they’re so responsible and are doing such a good job planning the wedding.”  Etc.

    Post # 19
    Member
    4534 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    calagara :  ignoring her FB messages and her attempts at reaching out would be rude. You by default will be spending more time with her as you now have family in common. You don’t have to be BFFs but a cordial relationship should be in the cards.

    I think you are jumping the gun here assuming that she’s going to try to rope you in to create ‘sides’. Also, nobody can recruit you to a ‘side’ without your say so or affirming action. So all of your concerns here are a moot point. If you don’t buy into her side, you will have no issues and if she starts to go that direction with you all you need to say is ‘I love bride and groom and I want what makes them happiest on their wedding day. I support their choices unconditionally’ if you keep repeating something to that nature, the MOG will get your point. You aren’t being rude, you are just stating your position firmly but kindly. 

    I’d accept her reach out on the basis that I like to give people the benefit of doubt that their intentions are kind and honorable. If they prove to be otherwise then I choose to withdraw and limit my interaction. Until then I treat people with openness. I suggest you try to do the same in this situation. You don’t want to be the one to accidentally start negative situations for your daughter and son in law by appearing rude if the ‘meet up’ intentions are honorable.

    Post # 20
    Member
    1754 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Do you think it’s possible she’s reaching out and wanting to meet up because you’re soon to be family? I’ve known my husband my whole life and our parents knew each other the whole time, but after we got engaged, they both made efforts to hang out more since they were becoming family.

    Post # 21
    Member
    9588 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2016

    don’t mix in.  You want to respect your daughters autonomy, and I love that.  You want to be the cool parents who doesn’t try to control your kids, and that’s awesome.

    So continue that and let your daughter, and her husband, handle their own issues–which includes your daughters future mother in law.  Nothing good will come of you trying to tell her how it is, even if you did mix in, and all you’d do is add to the mess and cross a pretty big boundary. 

    I assume you know all this stuff about the MOG because your daughter vents to you.  It’s great she has a place to vent.  I can promise you if you cross this boundary and meddle in her affairs and make her relationship with her Mother-In-Law more fraught than it already is, she’ll learn to stop telling you whats going on very very quickly.  So you’ll only make things worse and force your daughter to distance herself from you.  lose-lose.

    Since she’s the one reaching out to you.. ask your daughter how she feels, but if you get the go-ahead I think its fine to get together.. just don’t let her suck you in to any talk about your kids wedding plans.  Just “Oh, well thats for them to decide.  What did you think about the most recent Avengers movie?” (or whatever..)

    Post # 22
    Member
    3281 posts
    Sugar bee

    I think you should deflect by assuming she is reaching out socially. Reply with, “yes, we should all get together for dinner. I will mention it to [daughter] so she and [fiance] can coordinate a date.” Then follow up with your daughter.

    If she replies with something about just the two of you. Reply with, “[daughter] would be so disappointed to be left out. I will give her a few dates that work for me so she can coordinate.” Rinse and repeat.

    Post # 23
    Member
    3832 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2017

    I mean, you can certainly talk to her and be friends. You’re going to be family so it woud be kind of strange to stonewall her from the get-go. But if it turns to wedding talk you’ll just have to be clear that you won’t get involved. Have a bunch of stock responses ready like ‘it’s their decision, I’ll leave them to it’ ‘I’m sure whatever they want to do will be fine’ ‘it’s not up to me, you’ll have to ask them’. She’ll probably stop pretty quickly once she realises you’re not a useful ally in that regard!

    Post # 24
    Member
    4826 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: January 2017

    calagara :  meet her but bring your daughter and future son in law along. Don’t meet her alone. She can air her issues in front of everyone. 

    Post # 25
    Member
    3086 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2006

    Talk to your daughter about it. Tell her what’s going on and see how she feels. My knee jerk reaction was also to bring her along so everything is out in the open. 

    Post # 26
    Member
    733 posts
    Busy bee

    I agree with some PPs that she might be wanting to spend time with you because your kids are getting married, not because she’s looking to make you her ally in hijacking a wedding.

    Meet for coffee. If she brings up anything that seems like it’s heading in the wrong direction, just change the subject or reiterate that the bride and groom are adults who are entitled to have the wedding that they want.

    Post # 27
    Member
    1560 posts
    Bumble bee

    nothing wrong with meeting up or being friendly, I would like it if my mother and Mother-In-Law had more of a relationship but Mother-In-Law is frosty. when wedding chat inevitably comes up just be non-committal and keep reiterating that it’s their wedding, they are doing it their way and they are happy, etc etc. 

    Post # 28
    Member
    19 posts
    Newbee

    PPs have covered the meeting advice (I agree that meeting her but keeping your own council when it comes to the wedding details is the way to go) but I was wondering about the reason for not eloping; you wrote that your daughter was open to the idea of it but decided an invitation wedding would ‘make everyone happy’. Is ‘Everybody’ really MOG? If so, it doesn’t sound like everyone’s happy. If MOG doesn’t back off, maybe it’s time to rethink the elopment option? At the moment, MOG is apparently going to be upset regardless cos she’s not getting her way. That makes placating her rather pointless, so why not do what they want & get married by themselves? (If they still want that, of course). I mean, if she’s gonna cry about this anyway, she may as well have a better reason than not being indulged cos she wants to invite a bunch of people that have little-to-no relationship with your daughter/FSIL, and on their dime. Since they’re paying, she should consider herself lucky if she got a few discretionary invitations for her friends, not 100’s. That’s insane. 

    At the end of the day, if MOG wants to plan a big, fancy, wedding-like event, she can organize her own vow renewal or a posh party for an important anniversary/birthday. Then she can have total control & invite all her pals, their dogs & the people she’s met on the bus – and she pay for them. But wanting 2-and-a-half times the guests & expecting your daughter & her son to pay for it, then getting over-emotional about being ‘left out’ is being very entitled, manipulative & unfair. It’s not her wedding, simple as that. 

    Post # 30
    Member
    2493 posts
    Buzzing bee

    calagara :  If she is a controlling-type parent, she IS likely trying to “recruit” you to “her side.” So long as you go in prepared for that, and have the stock replies memorized, you’ll be fine. Just don’t allow her to manipulate or control YOU. Responses that highlight that the people getting married are mature, capable adults will take the wind out of her sails.

    X and Y seem to have a solid plan in place, I’m not sure they need any help or input from us.

    X and Y are so mature to be handling this all on their own – I am excited to see what they put together!

    I’m so proud of X and Y for taking responsibility for their own wedding like they have. It really shows how capable they are.

    X and Y really are smart to keep it so small – you can tell their priorities are in the right place and they’re thinking responsibly!

    Etc. ad nauseum

    If she gets upset or frustrated that you aren’t agreeing with her or gossiping with her the way she wants, just remember that is on HER. She is a grown adult woman who is responsible for her own behavior.

    Worst case, if at any point you start to feel uncomfortable, have some lines prepared to gracefully excuse yourself.

    I’m not sure this is productive anymore, I think I’ll grab the check. Did you want anything else?

    I said I’d meet hubby at the mall 10 minutes from now, sorry to run!

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