(Closed) ADVICE! My daughter is now excluding her sister!

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think it would be hard to fix what sounds like a life-long feud, but I think either one or the other daughter would need to step up and try to make amends. It’s probably hard as their mother, because you love and value both daughters and their unique ways- but I think they’re old enough that it’s got to be their thing to make up.

It’s not like they’re 20 and 22 years-old and still going through growing pains and still in sort of that post teenage mentality, so I suspect that this isn’t something they’re going to resolve overnight. 

What did her second thoughts stem from? Personally, I wouldn’t want to be forced into inviting someone to my wedding if I didn’t get along with them. My mom has a few siblings I’ve had conflict with in the past, and I’m having a fairly small wedding and therefore am only inviting people I am happiest being around.

Post # 5
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • V
  • 10 years ago

lose:lose situation

If her only reason is really to hate the sister cause she was born…that’s crazy…and tough for you. I have this friend whose sister decided she was being ignored and treated as less by everyone…this girl grew up to me resentful and bitter…all the hatred she felt towards people because "they liked her sister better" drove her short of crazy….now she sees a therapist to get over her jealousy issues.

my best advice: DON’T FORCE THEM TO PLAY NICE.  

That is a choice they have to make on their own. As for the wedding, your daughter (by the ultimatum) doesn’t seem to care either way…so is up to you…you could compromise. It’s obviously not what you want but is better than nothing.

Going to your OD wedding will make her feel supported in her decision to be a b*tch to YD but you could skip the reception….and only stay for the ceremony…that way it shows you care but don’t approve….still is tough.

GOOD LUCK! 

 

Post # 6
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I sadly have to agree with the previous posters.  While I know most families have some pretty hairy issues (my fiance’s and mine both make the list in insane ways!), this is an especially tragic situation.  I really don’t think there’s anything you can do about it.  These are two grown women who have decided to go at one another’s throats on numerous occasions.  I see why your oldest daughter wouldn’t want her sister at the wedding.  Judging from the past, it could turn ugly or at least less-than-pleasent with both of them to blame.  That scenario is better off avoided.

As their mother, I know it must be heartbreaking to watch this happen.  It is probably best to try to remove yourself from the situation, take the high ground, and discontinue discussing it with either daughter, because they will just continue to bad-talk one another.  I would tell your older daughter that you wouldn’t miss her wedding for the world, because you love her, and tell your younger daughter the same thing, stressing that the same will be true one day when/if she gets married.  Then let it go.

If they want to figure it out, they will.  Otherwise, if they bring it up with you, return to the line that you wouldn’t miss either of your daughters weddings for anything, and give them each credit by telling them you trust they’ll do whatever they feel is right.  That may mean your younger daughter will be there on the big day, or she may not.  Try to focus on the love you feel for both of them and don’t be angry about whatever choice they make.  They’re big girls and if you get in the middle of this you’ll only jepordize your relationship with both of them during what should be an amazing time especially in your older daughter’s life.

Post # 8
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I think you definitely should address all of your very valid concerns with your older daughter but do it after the wedding.  Don’t punish her now – she’ll resent you even more and that wall will only get higher. 

Something you might want to consider is volunteering to pay for family counciling for everyone.  I know you aren’t together in the same place, but maybe volunteer to even pay for the flights if you can.  You need to bring your family together with a non-biased moderator.  Offer for your OD to select the therapist so she knows she’s not being set up with someone biased. 

I know they are adults, but you’re still the parent and it sounds like they both need a little parental love and direction more than ever and it sounds like you are the caring mom that can still help guide them to mending things. 

Post # 9
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

my mom and aunt did not talk for 6-7 years because of an argument/misunderstanding with their third sister. it was a bunch of he said/she said and the third sister manipulating words and causing a rift between them. the third sister died from cancer and they still were not speaking. about 4 years ago my mom decided that they would eventually need to talk, because their parents were getting older and they would need to communicate about their care, etc. even though my mom did not think she was wrong, she called my aunt and apologized, and they spent an hour on the phone crying and talking about everything. things are still not perfect, but they are decent with each other and talk on the phone about once a week now. 

there can be hope – but it will be nothing that you can do, being a middle man will just make things worse! it will take time and them becoming more mature – my mom and aunt didn’t make up until they were in their 40’s! i hope things get better for your family.

Post # 10
Member
28 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Being the oldest daughter out of 3 girls, I can understand that it is not always easy.  I love my two sisters like crazy and I would give anything to them.  However, my parents do baby them and give them everything too.  There are moments where I am furious but I am lucky that my sisters see it and try to be good.

Have you ever taken a step back to try to figure out why your eldest has a dislike for her younger sister?  No one just hates someone for being born unless something really changed.  Did you and her father start to treat her differently – were you unfair?  Perhaps, there is more than meets your eye.  There could be things that you have cannot see.

Have a heart to heart talk about her feelings.  Remove the whole wedding invitation from the discussion.  Try to understand why she feels the way she does.  Fix the underlying problem.

Post # 11
Member
1245 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think you’re spot-on in recognizing that OS is starting to manipulate others with things they care about, like her baby and her wedding. I agree with others who don’t think this will be solved before the wedding day, and I like the idea of perhaps attending the ceremony but not the reception. It’s a way of showing you approve of the union but not OS’s behavior. Then again, the reception will probably have a lot of your family and friends, right? And I’d hate for you to punish yourself, too, by staying away. Very tricky and stressful business. Sorry I don’t have any good advice, but I really feel for you and hope that this will resolve itself. 

Post # 12
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Have you (gently) pointed out to OS that you did help them both out? I am sure you will be consciensious of OS’s feelings, but can point out that even though YS was "bailed out" (give examples), OS was helped out, too (living at home while saving up money, as yousaid before). I don’t know if you’ve already tried this, but maybe it could help, and explain that you love both your daughters equally, and try to be fair with both, but that it really hurts you that OS won’t even consider having YS at that big day.

Maybe you’ve already tried this?

Post # 14
Member
28 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2011

It’s so hard to be a parent and I completely feel for you.  You gave me the perspective of all the heck we have put my mom and dad through.  All of our fighting and complaining that they were being unfair.  I feel so guilty and I know I still do it sometimes.

My youngest sister holds grudges against my youngest brother to this day.  My parents never lived with us as they worked in Asia while we lived in North America.  They only had my youngest brother with them due to his age (we are 10 years apart and he is 5 years from my youngest sister).  My youngest sister always saw it as unfair and my parents loving him the most.  It is very difficult to change and I work at it with her everyday.

At the end of the day, you just have to remind her that family is what is there.  No one else has seen her through it all.  That’s why siblings are so wonderful – we have always been there.  Maybe you can make a photo book with photos from their childhood to remind them what it means to have a sister.

Post # 15
Member
2324 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Your older daughter sounds like a mean jealous unhappy person. Sorry. She’s acting like a child and by you letting her get away with it, you’re only making it worse. You need to tell her to get over herself and start acting like a mother/adult, not a baby. 

Post # 16
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

It sounds like you really care deeply for your daughters. Sorry to hear that you are experiencing these issues! In my opinion, OS needs to grow up and start acting like the OLDER sister. This is understandably much easier said than done. I am the oldest of three and I can say from firsthand experience that oldest children can be extremely spoiled and difficult at times.

I had a few fits in my day and blamed my parents for coddling my youngest brother (the baby of the family). My mom was very understanding to my concerns, didn’t disregard my feelings, but always re-enforced that I was the oldest and therefore should act accordingly. Eventually I came around because I realized that I loved my siblings dearly and embraced my role as the oldest child. This takes time. I’m not sure that anything can be done before wedding time.

One possible approach:  Tell OS she needs to grow up, etc. and leave it at that. Continuing to talk and commiserate with OS only keeps her spoiled and in control of everything. I always know I’m out of line with my mom when she says her piece and leaves me alone. I’m forced to think and reflect on my behavior. Try doing the same with your older daugher. Might help, might not.

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