(Closed) Advice – My Girlfriend and I are on different mind set on marriage/kids

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
4717 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

These arguments won’t stop as long as your views differ… If one of you gets your way, will the other resent them? That’s not a good foundation for a life together. 

Post # 3
3235 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Have you each discussed why you stand by your positions, as in really laid it out for each other? Perhaps you could volunteer as a couple to babysit friends/relatives children for a night or weekend depending on your living arrangements? That way you both can see what it’s like. Maybe she’ll realize she loves babies when they aren’t hers and are going back to their parents.  Or maybe she’ll fall in love with the idea even more. You both have a right to your opinion, but you both need to reach a compromise or as a PP said, you’ll end up resentful. 

Post # 4
553 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Compromise is very important. My Girlfriend and I had differing opinions on kids as well but reached a middle ground that will fulfill her need for a child and my need for financial stability. Neither one of us simply gave into the other’s wants but meant in the middle and we’re very happy with the decision.

Post # 5
577 posts
Busy bee

I suggest talking more concretely over how you see your life going. You say she wants to be married and a mother in two years or less. However you haven’t really said when you see yourself having children, specifically. Four years? Seven years? Ten years? That ‘unknown’ factor might be what makes her feel the need to bring this up all the time. 

There’s no one right time to have kids, its always highly dependent on the couple. I have friends who had multiple kids before 25 and love their life. I also have friends who did the same and were SHOCKED by the reality of motherhood and what it does to their identity and their marriage. Thinking babies are cute and exciting when you’re out enjoying a lovely dinner is a totally different experience than the complete lifestyle change that happens once you have them, lol. So the PP mention at shadowing friends or family with young children/babies wouldn’t be such a bad idea. 

Be careful over her saying the ego/pride/money thing though. Wanting to be prepared and able to provide support emotionally and financially should be a good thing, a respectable thing. If she’s becoming fixated on that in arguments, it might be an indicator of future problem in how she handles the inevitable disagreements between you two everyone experiences in marriage and raising children. Then again, this is the internet, I’m a stranger and she could have only said it once, I just thought I’d throw that out there though. 

Post # 6
2297 posts
Buzzing bee

It sounds like you and your girlfriend aren’t compatible. Breaking up is the solution to these issues.

The whole point of a relationship is to find someone you work well with and can lead a healthy, fulfilling life with; someone who meets your needs, and whose needs you meet. Based on what you’ve written, this isn’t going to happen for you if you stay with this woman. 

A lot of people will say that compromise is the solution. This is incorrect. Compromise is a problem solving skill, not a way of life. If you find yourself compromising major areas of life — children, religion, values, morals, important hobbies, living situation, sex — that’s an indication that you’re with the wrong person. In your situation, compromise would mean that you, your girlfriend, or both of you would have to give up living the life you truly want. This would lead to more conflict, resentment, and a break up later on down the road when it will be harder to separate. It’s not necessary for either if you to go through that. It’s not necessary to try to force a relationship to work when it’s clear that it won’t. It’s not necessary to stay with the wrong person just so that you can be in a relationship. 

Why put yourself through conflict and heartache when you could simply accept that the two of you aren’t meant for each other and move on?

Do yourself and this young woman a favor and end the relationship. Both of you will be better off. 

Post # 7
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

It sounds like you both want the same things eventually, but you’re making one another miserable now.

I would recommend trying to approach it in a rational way. Provided you both want to marry each other and you both want to have kids, the fight is just about when. And if you read these boards, girls who are “waiting” often feel very unhappy because they feel less loved and less secure in the relationship. A specific plan might make you both feel better.

Here’s a potential exercise:

You both write down three numbers: how many years until you get engaged, how many years until you get married, how many years until you have children.

Look at one another’s numbers and see if either of you is willing to do what the other person wants (for instance if you were willing to get engaged this year, would she be willing to have a two year engagement, or wait four years for kids?)

If that doesn’t work, try adding up both your numbers and dividing by 2 to get the average. E.g.

Her engagement years (0) + yours (2), her wedding years (1) vs yours (3), her kids years (2) versus yours (4), averaged out means you’d get engaged in 1 year from now, married 2 years from now, have kids 3 years from now…could you both live with that?

The fact is, either one of you has to compromise, you both have to compromise, or you will both be unhappy and should consider breaking up, because these are such huge life decisions it’s not fair to make her wait for years on something like having children without agreeing to a plan, but it’s also not fair to force you into it before you’re ready, and it will destroy your relationship.

Post # 9
553 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

CeroV:  we had a very calm, logical conversation where we both mapped out our lives with career projectory and the potential cost of children. She wanted a baby at 25, I wanted 35; we agreed on 30. She doesn’t want a teenage child at 50 and I don’t want to rely on government assistance or our parents to raise my child. 30 was a good age for us. 

I must add that part of the compromise was my Girlfriend realizing she hadn’t been thinking logically and I realized I hadn’t been thinking with enough emotion. She had raised an infant for nearly a year before her mother asked for her child back and that’s left a bit of an emotional void that I initally wasn’t considering. Once she say that I understood her point of view, she made strides to understand mine as well. 

Post # 10
5948 posts
Bee Keeper

You need to sit down and have an actual discussion (not when it’s sparked by seeing a baby) on what your goals are. what you want to do in life.

-where do you see yourself in 5 years?

-when do you want to have children? (age)

-what is your job that you want?

Things like that, you need to make sure that you’re on the same line about these ideas. Now I know someone mentioned breaking up. I don’t think that’s necessary, but keep in mind – this is your first relationship, you may realize that your girlfriend just isn’t compatible with you. She sounds very baby focused while you sound very career focused.

My husband and I had a child unplanned, however, we still had similar goals in when we met and before we got pregnant, so getting pregnant sooner than expected wasn’t a big thing for us. We both wanted a child five years down the road (when I was 26 and he was 34, ended up that I got pregnant at 21, oops).

To me, you compromise on little things like who is going to wash the dishes, not on major things like children, marriage, jobs, living places, etc.  I compromised a lot with an ex on major things, we ended up breaking up and realizing despite loving each other as much as we did, we didn’t have the same goals (he also cheated, but that’s another story).

Post # 12
2297 posts
Buzzing bee

CeroV:  Time will tell what the right decision will be or would have been. Good luck. 

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