(Closed) Advice Needed

posted 12 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What should I do?

    Send the invitation - she is your mother

    Do not send the invitation - she is crazy

    Send the invitation - with a note


  • Post # 3
    7172 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    I’m making huge assumptions here, not knowing more of the background, obviously… but it kind of sounds like your mother is a bit of a drama queen and you aren’t responding to her drama in the way she would like you too.  

    It’s interesting that your step-father mentioned to you about you not contacting your mother since Mother’s Day.  That tells me your mother and he talk about it – and, regardless of what she said before, really does want a relationship with you.

    As far as the letter your mother sent, it sounds like it was a cry for attention or to get her way (ie: whatever behavior you were doing that made her the bad mother, she wanted you to change).  

    I know it’s a hard transition for mothers to realize that their daughters are adults and make decisions – and it’s especially hard when those decisions are the farthest thing from what they would do.

    All of that said, it sounds like, after all you have gone through, that you would prefer a relationship with your mother.  This wouldn’t be a point of consideration, if you didn’t.  Because of that, I think you definitely send her an invitation (without a note).  She can choose if she wants to be part of your wedding day.  And, I do think she will be on good behavior in front of everyone.  If not, solicit the help of some friends (not your sister) to keep her at bay.


    Post # 4
    4479 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch

    Just send it. No note. And don’t sit her near you, or spend much time with her that day, if she shows. I’m coming from the perspective that weddings are not the time to cut people out.

    Post # 5
    6593 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2010

    LOL – love “if you are going to come, don’t be a douche?” – that is great!

    Will you regret not having her there? Will you regret not having your step-dad there? IF you send an invitation do you think he will come but your mom won’t? Will having your mom there stress you out and not allow you to have fun?

    If you don’t want her there and you can get over not having your step-dad there – I would vote NOT to invite her!

    If you would have regret for either one of them not being there – invite them – you don’t want to live your life in regret!

    If you would regret having your stepdad there and could deal with having your mom there on your day then invite them both – if you can’t stand having your mom there on your day – I would talk to your step-dad and ask him how he would feel about coming without your mom.

    I understand that this is a very icky situation for you – I am sorry you have to deal with it but In My Humble Opinion if you think your mom will be civil and not do anything rude or inappropriate at your wedding I would just go ahead and invite them both!

    Post # 6
    2695 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2008

    First of all, I feel for you being in this situation! I can’t even imagine it.

    I generally agree with the other posters that you should always invite family, but in this case I don’t know if I would invite her because not only is she not in your life she is clearly against the marriage.  Why invite her if she is against this man because of the color of his skin? 

    I would suggest setting up a lunch or coffee date with her, and telling her what you would have written in the note – that you want her there if she is going to be supportive, but if she can’ts uppor the marriage, you understand that it is better for her not to come. Is that at all possible?

    Post # 7
    530 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2009

    wow, this is a horrible situation! 

    i think it’s best for YOUR welfare  — for yourself — to always leave the door open to your mother. in case some day, some how, she is able to pull herself together and step through the door, and make an effort to establish a loving relationship again. i don’t say this for her sake, but for yours. so you can’t have any regrets later in life.

    if you can’t bring yourself to just mail the invitation, a note might be a good way to go. maybe along the lines of: “i wanted you to know our news. we’re very happy. if you are able to join in our joy, we would welcome you with open arms.”


    you could also reach out directly to your stepfather and say the same thing, in plain language: “of course you are both welcome. but only if you can be happy for us. if mom can’t join in the happy, positive spirit, it would be better for her to stay away.”

    geez. anyway. this sucks, and i’m really sorry!

    Post # 8
    3979 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: January 2012

    I’d send it, she’s your mom & this might make her even more upset & crazy if you don’t invite her. Don’t send a note… just the invite. 🙂

    That’s so upsetting that the only thing she has against him is the color of his skin. It saddens me to my core that people really still care.

    You’ve found happiness & don’t let her comments or any other family members detract from your wedding day.

    Post # 9
    14 posts
    • Wedding: June 2010

    I agree with the previous poster. In person might be difficult for you, but at the very least I think you should express to your mother how you feel over the phone. However, be sure to make it VERY, VERY CLEAR that if she is going to bring a bad attitude, disrespect towards your fiance, or anything else that would spoil this very special day for you, it would be best that she not come. You don’t want to leave that up to interpretation in any way.

    That way, she decides what’s more important. Ideally, she’ll choose being there for you. However, sometimes things don’t always work out that way.

    But you deserve complete happiness on your wedding day, please know that. So if she’s unable to contribute to it, don’t feel bad about her not being there. That was her choice.

    Post # 10
    715 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2010

    Lets make one thing clear: you are related. Not family. Family doesn’t pull shit like this.

    That said, don’t do anything you regret. The fact that you have been trying to make this relationship works tells me if you don’t send the invitation you would always be going “what if”. Send the invite. And then take your cue from the wedding whether you want her to be a major part of your life. You have a husband to think about now. And always, your daughter. Do you want something that poisionous in your new life?

    Post # 11
    5988 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2010

    sendings hugs MrsJ2b becuase its sounds like a sucky situation….

    firstly i would send the invite but would expect her to disappoint me in some way. it sounds like you have a good man on your hands and a good future so hold onto that and make your own family unit your priority – at least you know your own daughter wll not be a closed minded as your mother

    if your mother does try to start something verbally i would simply walk away – you cant argue with a racist and in the end you will only upset yourself more

    sendings hugs and hope youre feeling better


    Post # 12
    521 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2009

    Honest question: If you invited her, and she attended, would she say something incredibly rude/racist to your new husband or in-laws?

    I’d base my answer off of that.  Your Fiance does not deserve to be treated poorly based on the color of his skin ON HIS WEDDING DAY.  Or ever, for that matter.  If she basically keeps it to herself, and she’ll just be pouty, invite her.  If you think she’ll make comments to your new family, leave her out.  They have more right to happiness on this day than she does, based on her behavior.

    Post # 13
    1765 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    I second Johnsbride. I mean, I know it might feel regretful later that you didn’t invite her, but if your fiance or his parents don’t even get to feel joy on what should be the happiest day of yours & his lives, then it’s not worth the stress, drama and sadness.

    I would tell you this though–it might be best if you go talk to a counselor about this, because I am sure there is a lot to sort through from your childhood until now. It seems as though she has not been a warm, loving mother at many points in your life; they may offer some perspective as to if she might ever be that way, including at your wedding, and make you feel less guilty about failing to pursue the relationship should you decide not to invite her, or if she continues ignoring you.

    Also, think of your daughter. She’s older, but if your mother came and treated you and your fiance terribly and your daughter saw it, would that be anything you’d want her to witness? Consider her in your decision, as she’s probably seen your mother’s hurtful actions.

    Good luck. I know this must be so hard, and it’s truly sad that they can’t just be happy for you, your fiance and your daughter!

    Post # 14
    7052 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I would have a heart to heart with my stepdad about her.  If he believes that she can behave herself (not insult your dear FI) on the wedding day then invite her.

    I have a mom who’s a bit of a teenage drama queen myself.  But I love her and we’ve been working things out. 

    Hugs to you and Fiance for being such a together couple, working thru things the good and the bad.  He’s such a wonderful man to honor you and your child and it’s not the skin color, it’s the heart and soul of the person that is what counts.  My bff is african-american and she’s also  the godmother of my child.  My family and friends love her and she’s very serious with a caucasian guy (we love him too).  She’s family to me!  And it’s funny.  Niether she or I even think about it nor have we ever really thought of ethnicity or race when we’re around each other.  We’re just best friends.  She’s beautiful inside and out and my son loves her and calls her “Aunt T”.  He’s known her since he was 1.

    Like the other poster said, just because you’re genetically related doesn’t mean that it makes family.  DNA doesn’t make you love somebody or not love somebody.  There was a great show on tv a few weeks ago on Nat Geographic Channel.  I wish your mom could have seen it.  It showed how we are all carrying the same dna to some extent and how we’re all related.  It doesn’t matter (skin color) at all! 

    Hugs to you both and I pray your mom comes around.  

    Post # 15
    7975 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    I would invite her, but in the way you would invite a distant relative — don’t expect (or ask, or let) her to help with anything, don’t include her in the ceremony, etc. Just invite her to come and sit in the middle of the church if she wants to be there.

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