Post # 1
Bees…I am so conflicted. :/
I feel like I am getting “cold feet.” But not the normal (?) I am getting married in 5 weeks cold feet. A different kind. TTC cold feet.
Fiance and I have been together for several years, we’re getting married soon (as seen above), and I have fertility issues. I have PCOS, Endometriosis and another smaller fertility hiccup. So, knowing that, Fiance and I had decided to NTNT. All has been calm on that front – no BFP here.
Now with the wedding coming up, and finally having decided on a Graduate program (after more than a year and a half contemplating it), I am second guessing our plan to TTC post-wedding. Why? I don’t have a specific answer really. I feel like we’re ready as far as maturity, financially we are fine, we both WANT babies, we have a home. Our ducks are “in a row,” you could say.
I’m not sure if it’s the Grad School thing throwing me off or if it’s something else, but now I’m considering waiting quite a bit longer – as in, definitely post Grad School (4 years) and then getting into a “real” career for a few years because I’d have loans to pay back and I wouldn’t want to just sit on my degree. This is causing me some ridiculous angst. I feel like we’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t. I don’t want to look back in 10 years, with no baby, and think “if you’d just had the guts to try when you were younger…” But I don’t want to regret TTC’ing now either.
HELP! Advice? Thougts? Xanax in the mail? (Kidding…..)
Post # 3
Just a thought, but your cold feet might just have to do with all the major events going on. Five weeks before our wedding, I was generally a wreck about everything! Maybe just see how you feel after all the wedding stress is over and the planning is done. Personally, as soon as the wedding planning was over, all I could think of was babies, babies, babies. Once you’re settled in, you might be able to better evaluate whether you’re really not ready to start TTC or whether it was just cold feet! Good luck!
Post # 4
@AmeliaBedelia: There is never a perfect time to have a baby. Some periods in your life may be better than others, but there will always be stress related to work, school, money, family, housing, etc. So pick a GOOD time to TTC, but don’t stress yourself out trying to find the BEST time.
Post # 5
@smores: I agree with smores right now, 5 weeks before the big day you are probably in no shape to be making those kinds of decisions.
My thoughts on grad-school.
I am curently in gradschool, and we do not have children, but many of the people in my program do. It might not be easy to have a child and be taking classes, but it is totally doable. All schools are different, but some are very good about offering night courses, online options etc. If you had to go down to part time grad student and it took an extra year or two but you had a child would that be the end of the world for you and your FI? That is something only you can answer.
Personally I think it is hard enough TTC, why add an extra potential 8 years of not trying.
Also I think he needs to know about it, becuase he might be having the same doubts and you will never know unless you ask him
Post # 6
I made the decision to go to grad school and put off getting married/starting my family becuase I didn’t want to regret not taking the time to fulfil my life goals and dreams. I am not sure how old you are or what your feelings are but personally I wanted to be a little selfish before I had to give most of my time up for my new husband and a family. I am almost done with grad school and am not in the process of planning our wedding and I feel that I am in a much better place now that I did something for me. I did something that I have always wanted to do and now I think I can move on with the rest of my life plans.
If going to grad school and focusing on yourself for a few years is something that you want to do then I absolutely think you should do it! On the other hand, if having a baby will make you feel more fulfilled then maybe that is what you should focus on. There are 3 girls in my program that have babies and although it is taking them an extra semester, they have been able to juggle a child AND an MS program with great support from their families.
Good luck in what ever you choose 🙂
Post # 7
Wait a sec though, you’re only 23, right? I would think you still have plenty of time, even if you do decide to wait for a good long while… or have your doctors advised you to start trying young if possible? But regardless… I think you are PERFECTLY safe, and reasonable, to put it on hold for a while, stop NTNT, and just let yourself take some time to get ready for & recover from your wedding!
Post # 8
@starbuck: She basically said if we wait past 24, it’ll take us even longer than our current prediction. She told us that it’d be a minimum of 1 year TTC as of right now, more like 1.5 years, and that it’ll only increase as I age. :/ Hence the panic and conflict. haha. Jeez. I think you’re right for now though, I’m just going to attempt to put it out of my mind and revisit post-wedding.
@smores: I think you definitely hit the nail on the head there. I need to just calm down and leave it alone for a bit. Thank you. 🙂
@paperumbrella: Thank you for that, very well said and concise.
@globalmargaret: Hm, yeah. It wouldn’t be a huge deal if it took an extra semester or two. As per the school, it couldn’t take more than an extra year or I risk being dropped from the program, as I understand it. And yes, that’s exactly it! I can’t stand the thought of thinking “What if…” when it comes to waiting. Because of my fertility bs, I am scared I’d look back in those 8 years and think WHAT an idiot. Ya know?
@theredhead: If I had no fertility issues I would for sure just go through Grad School and then work on the family planning aspect. I hate that I can’t just do it “my way.” I could, but like I’ve said, I would really regret it if I missed my chance at conceiving.
Post # 9
Were you planning on being a stay at home mom if you were to get pregnant at any time?
I personally would focus on your fertility! If a child is something you desire and medical issues further complicate things with the addition of time, for me it would be worth it.
A degree is great, but theres no guarantees for great jobs and starting a family with loads of new debt seems like a bad idea.
I say just work now and enjoy yourself, enjoy your wedding and keep baby dancing along!
Post # 10
@Eva Peron: Not a Stay-At-Home Mom, but more a part-time Stay-At-Home Mom. I would be a full-time (I guess?) student in Grad School, so yes my schedule would be much more flexible. Not easier, but more flexible.
As far as degree vs babies – definitely babies. However, my degree is necessary to make any sort of money one day. My Bachelors is in Psyc – Grad School is pretty much a must-do thing, ya know? So they are both things I strongly want.
I can see in my responses that obviously children are important to me and I would regret it if I screwed myself over. Seems I’m answering my own questions in a way. Lol.
Post # 11
Bees, I think you guys are right. I think it’s just wedding stresses spilling over into another big discussion – too many big things at once is no bueno!
Post # 12
I would see another dr after the wedding for a second opinion about your predicament and I would ask very specific questions about what issues you would have concieving as you got older. My mother had the same issues you do and planned on it taking at least a year to get pregnant, but ended up pregnant at 32, 4 months after beginning to try… Of course, there was emergency surgery right after I was born and I don’t have any brothers or sisters, but according to the dr. it would have had to have been done after first child whether she was 20 or 35. but that doesn’t mean that’s how YOUR body operates.
And yeah, I would wait to make decisions like that. You got too much on your plate, girly! Stop worrying so much! Just focus on the wedding for now. Too much stress = burn out. I do that all the time, lol. Just take it easy on the baby planning and just focus on the wedding for now.
Post # 13
ahh I think we are wedding/grad school/ttc twins! We seem to stress about similar issues.
Honestly, I was overwhelming myself about similar things a while ago and then told myself that I have to take it one thing at a time. Get past the wedding, and then you dont have to stress about that. Get accepted to the grad program, and then you can stop worrying about that. The more stressed you are, the harder to TTC. Get one or two large things out of the way, first. I never knew how much a wedding takes out of a bride’s brain until I started planning. I know I can handle so much more and make better decisions when it comes to grad school/babies once this wedding is out of the way! You are soooo close. Don’t allow your brain to overwhelm you.
Post # 14
You are doing to yourself what I did during the wedding planning. I started thinking about EVERYTHING in our future. You just need to take one step at a time. Once you are wed, sit down with you Darling Husband and make a timeline if necessary. Just relax and enjoy these next couple of months. You’re gonna be a bride!!!! Good luck!