Post # 1
Hello, would love some input!
I’m back on the dating scene after an awful breakup from a 5 year long relationship, about 6-7 months ago. I was treated terribly in the last while of the relationship as well as during the breakup. I feel ready to start over again but a big part of me is scared to trust someone new and do the whole song and dance all over again.
I have some friends who want to set me up, and have also joined an on-line dating site (a paid one as I’m hoping this will at least reduce the number of guys simply looking to hook up). As I’m getting some interest, I find myself FREAKING out. I’ll have a guy simply message me asking if I want to meet for coffee and my mind goes into overdrive: what if I don’t like him? What if he doesn’t like me? What if he’s a jerk? What if he’s a cheater? (the ex was). What if he thinks I’m too awkward when we meet? (I’m shy). What if he wants to go faster than I’m comfortable with (both physically and emotionally). Basically “what if…what if…what if…”
I do want to meet someone new who could be a good fit for me but this mindset is making it tough. Has anyone ever gone through this when re-entering the dating scene? How did you calm yourself down and deal with it?
Post # 2
I didn’t look for anything serious. I was not in the right mindset for it. I did not want to jump into a new relationship when my heart was still raw. That was about 10 years ago. And trust me- I had a hell of alotta fun! In hindsight, I met my now husband 6 months after that breakup. He wanted to date but respected I did not want anything serious. He waited 7 years and in that time we became really great friends. A strong friendship that is the foundation of our marriage.
Enjoy your single time. If you aren’t ready for a serious relationship, and it sounds like you are not, then don’t. Don’t put pressure on yourself that you do not need to. When you are ready you will find someone. Life is short. Enjoy it
Post # 3
Cheaters are scum not worth your time. It is a reflection on them, not on you. Be glad you shed that dirtbag and now you can find someone who treats you with the respect you deserve.
Post # 4
gemma87: there is nothing wrong with feeling anxious and being gun shy after getting so hurt. I also ended a 5 year relationship in my mid-20s – he had created a match.com account and I stumbled upon it. It took me about a year to start dating again. I felt bitter and angry at first, and every time someone asked me out, I’d think “eh, he’s probably just like the ex, why should I put my heart out there again just to be crushed?” Eventually those feelings started to fade and I started to say yes to dates. I had a lot of fun being single and met my husband a few years later.
I think you need to give yourself a little more time – eventually there will be a guy that will ask you on a date and you will feel more excited than anxious.
Post # 5
- Wedding: November 2019 - City, State
gemma87: Dating is hard and scary! What i found worked best for me was chatting (email, message, text, whatever) for a little while (a week or 2) before agreeing to meet. I honestly had more luck on the free dating sites, however not agreeing to meet up for a coffee or drink with someone right away will generally weed out any of the sleezy or flakey guys (for the most part). That way you can already know if you have things in common, and if you have similar senses of humor before you meet up. It made a big difference for me 🙂
Post # 6
Dating is fun! Getting to know someone new is fun! Getting to go to new places and try new things is fun! It is NOT supposed to be a chore; it is supposed to be fun.
It took me a long ass time to realize that. I jumped into another relationship waaaay too soon after my huge break up, then with the rebound dude we broke up 5 months later and when I was ready to get back on the dating scene I found myself analyzing every guy’s profile to see if he would be a good match for me. I went on dates with a LOT of guys…some were nice, some were downright creepy. I eventually had to give myself a break from online dating, and then when I got back into it I met my now husband.
Keep in mind too that first dates are meant to determine if you are interested in getting to know that person better. You should literally only look at if you get along with him and if you have good chemistry. That’s it. First dates can be nervewracking…but they are supposed to be fun. Tell your brain to be quiet and just enjoy getting to know new guys. Go to coffee with the ones you find yourself interested in. Coffee is pretty harmless…you can say “oh hey look at the time” and leave early if you need to, but it can also lead to other date-like activities if it goes well. “Oh hey let’s have dinner! I’m enjoying getting to know you!”
Girl, I have PLENTY of guys I wish I hadn’t gone on dates with…but I have some pretty good stories. 😉 Think of it that way…you literally have nothing to lose. Keep first dates simple. You will know if there should be a second one! Don’t overanalyze and don’t treat it like you are looking for your future husband. Look at it through the lens of just getting to know someone new.
Post # 7
ljm308: Oh my gosh, the stories! The crazy men met online are totally worth it for gossiping with friends later lol.
OP,I started dating again with a bruised heart, and just let things go slowly, and trusted that when the time was right, I would find someone worth being with. Up until about 2 months ago I would still occasionally have to give myself a pep talk about how SO is not my ex and would never do the horrible things the ex did to me. And every day, SO has just lived that fact and been amazing, reaffirming my faith in men.
Post # 8
I had this one guy who literally sat there in silence during our dinner. He was the one who invited me out and wanted to try this local restaurant. He was CUTE and I was totally interested…but then I realized it was like talking to a tree. I would ask simple questions…”do you have any siblings?” for example and he would provide one-word answers. “Yes.” With nothing else! And it was like a 3 course meal… Delicious meal…that he paid for…but it was so awkward!! I couldn’t wait for it to end.
Then there was the guy who I am 99.999% sure was schizophrenic. He seemed SO normal online and we agreed to meet for a drink. I got there late and he TEXTS me when I’m sitting across the table from him “I got here at 3 pm”. Well…it was 8:00 pm….. I laugh awkwardly and try to make conversation. Then he starts talking to an invisible someone who according to him was apparently was sitting next to him???? SO weird. I started chugging my beer because…strike 2…….. It just got so weird. The final straw was when he started talking about him getting arrested in Texas and how he now was a bouncer and lived in his mom’s basement at 32…. I BOOKED IT out of there. He actually followed me out which was insanely creepy, but I made sure he got on the bus to leave before I left. I wasn’t going to risk him following me to my car as he was 6’5″ and about 275. I stayed in the lobby of the pub until I was sure he was gone, claiming I was “waiting for my friend to pick me up”. The kicker was when I woke up the next morning to 20 page-long texts talking about how our date went and how he apparently was an “internet preacher” and all this weirdness about how the end of the world is coming and we need to “see the light”!! He finished his texts with “you’re good looking though. Wouldn’t mind kissing you.” I was so creeped out. I mean I’m a Christian but this was INSANE. He had no idea where I lived or what my car looked like so I blocked his number and blocked him on the dating site and never spoke to him again.