(Closed) Advice needed DESPERATELY

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

Wow.  I don’t think I’d be able to continue on with this situation.  Not because he has a child, but because the child was conceived AFTER you guys started dating.  That is unacceptable in my book.  Yes, he accepted yours, but like you said there is no baby daddy drama.  They are your kids and your kids alone.  They can be his kids, too, because there is no other father figure.  With this child that is probably his, there will be a nagging, jealous, life-ruining baby mama in the background all the time.  The fact that he is verbally criticizing your feelings makes me think you should just cut your losses on this one.

Post # 4
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

What can you say?

Eff you! And walk away. Is this a cheating post? I mean, you still want to marry him? Fine, you were only together a month when he cheated but now look at his reaction to you!

So sorry. I would not marry him.

ETA – be absolutely sure this baby is his, too. She could be lying because she’s jealous, or what not, that he’s with you now.

Either way, calling you crazy is UNACCEPTABLE!

Post # 5
Member
1020 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Honey, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. If the baby is indeed your FI’s then yeah, this ex of his will be in your lives forever now.

What do you mean when you say he calls you crazy? He thinks it’s crazy for you to feel like something has changed in your relationship? That seems pretty insensitive to me.

One thing, though – I think you have your dates a bit mixed up. September comes before October. So, if she really did get pregnant in Sept 2010 and you started dating in Oct 2010, they did not necessarily sleep together while you were dating. If your dates are mixed up, though, and she got pregnant while he and you were together that’s a whole different story.

Post # 6
Member
238 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think you would be wrong if you DIDN’T feel this way! Your Fiance cheated on you, probably without protection, and he is still managing to make you feel bad for it? He sounds like a manipulative jerk to me. For him to not even sympathize with the pain you rightfully feel seems sociopathic. Leave him.

Post # 7
Member
3176 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

He cheated on you and he’s upset that you’re not ok with that???!!!

Post # 8
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Agreed on the dates – if you weren’t “exclusive” before then, he should have told you, but he didn’t necessarily cheat.

I’m not sure what you’re looking for either. You both need to sit down and talk asap. But calmly.

If there’s a question of fidelity, you need to take a long hard look at your future marriage. If you choose to stay together, go to couples counseling.

ETA: I would also consider a paternity test. If the EX was dishonest and your Fiance really wasn’t sure (otherwise he wouldn’t have believed her all those months), then he might be wrong. 

Post # 9
Member
1090 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

girls- they were not exclusive when he got her pregnant. (from what I gather)

Not that that changes much…but just saying.

Post # 10
Member
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@melodicsighs1: I think she’s trying to make the distinction between dating and dating ONLY each other. At the time that they conceived, she was dating him just not exclusvely.

Post # 12
Member
238 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Ok, even if they weren’t exclusive at the time, she still has more than enough reason to feel rattled by this HUGE development and it is downright alarming that he won’t even allow her to process it without him getting angry at her.

Post # 13
Member
1249 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

OK – If your dates are not mixed up, you do not have any reason to be upset.  If he slept with her before you guys agreed to be exclusive, then he did not cheat on you.  He did accept your kids, and if you love this guy, you need to accept his.  I think you should give it time before making a huge decision.  Let your emotions calm down.

If you do have your dates mixed up, then I would think very hard about leaving him.  I personally do not believe cheating is a reason to leave a marriage, but you guys haven’t said vows yet.  Listen to him, to why he did it, and think about his character overall.  Is this a one time blip on the radar?  Do you know if he has a history of cheating?  Everyone makes mistakes, even big mistakes like this.

Post # 14
Member
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Ouch. If it was clear to both of you that you weren’t exclusive until October, I wouldn’t call that strictly cheating, but like you , I would really struggle with it. That is really tough and hard not to feel betrayed, even if you know you weren’t exclusive until after September.

However, the fact that he hasn’t given you two days to have your own raw emotions about it without getting on your case is what really concerns me. I don’t care if it turned out he got a girl pregnant before you two ever met, adding a child into your family is an emotional process, and you are AT LEAST entitled to a few days of coming to terms with the less-than-desirable nature of the situation. It seems really insensitive of him to expect you to be a-okay with this all right away.

Before you say anything, I think you need to decide whether you want to stay or go. If you want to stay, and accept him for himself, faults and all, I think he needs reassurance that you WILL be by his side, but he needs to understand how much of a shock this is, and how you wouldn’t be a very good wife if you didn’t dislike the idea of him being with or having a child with someone else. You need time to come to terms with this – it is irreversibly changing your family, and it’s hard to not have a say in it. Hopefully, he will understand; if not – cross that bridge when you get to it.

If you want to go, I don’t think there is much that you can say that will make it any easier on either of you. I don’t have advice to offer on that one.

Good luck – I am so sorry you have to deal with this!

Post # 15
Member
2192 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

If the dates you listed are correct he didn’t cheat on you. And in that case you accept his child. He did accept yours regardless of you not having “baby daddy drama”. If it’s his kid ( and make sure to get a DNA test before doing anything drastic) then you should deal with it. If you can’t then you should leave. That simple.

Post # 16
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

If the ex says it’s not his, and you were still seeing other people when they baby would’ve been conceived, I think you should stop worrying about it until after the baby is born and your Fiance can do a paternity test.

I also think if you have doubts about the situation, should it turn out to be his baby, you should postpone the wedding until after it’s been determined. You have your daughters to think about, and I think it’s probably in their best interests for you and your Fiance to be calm and reasonable about this.

The topic ‘Advice needed DESPERATELY’ is closed to new replies.

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