(Closed) Advice needed: Fiance laid off from his job :(

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

The thing about getting laid off is that it’s a big blow to your self-esteem.  Most of us have a fair amount of ego tied up in our jobs, especially if we do something pretty specialized – so when you don’t have a job, you can feel pretty worthless.  And looking for a new job in hard times can make it even worse, as you can experience a lot of rejection.

I was laid off a few years ago, and my boyfriend at the time set up an office for me at his office (he was an attorney) with a computer, telephone, and office supplies – for me to use while I was looking for a job.  It was really a good thing, as just having somewhere to go in the morning and having to get dressed up (like for work) to go there gave me a routine.  It’s easy to be even more depressed if you just sit around the house most of the day in your pajamas.  Plus, the office environment was really good for helping me organize the process of looking for a job – and the thing is, you really should treat looking for a job as if it was your job.  Researching companies, sending out resumes, scheduling meetings with colleagues to network, should be something that you concentrate on like real work.  Maybe you can’t find him an actual office, but setting up an office area in the house for him to use would probably help a lot.  If you already have an office area, maybe make sure it’s cleaned up and pleasant for him to use. 

If he’s going to have to relocate to find work, the two of you should discuss that so he knows that it’s not going to be a big problem for you – or so that you establish up front what parts of the country would work well for both of you.  Moving is stressful for everyone, and so is starting a new job.  When my husband and I started dating, we lived in different states, and I was looking at taking a job that would require me to be in the UK.  He told me all the time that it didn’t matter – we would work it out one way or another – and if I couldn’t find a job where he lived (which was my first choice, as it’s the town where my parents live too) that he would be happy to go wherever I could find a job. 

And, I think, just remember to let him know how much you love and respect him, and that his worth to you hasn’t changed.  Guys especially were raised with the idea that they have to be the provider, and so I think the idea of being unemployed is sometimes harder on them that it should be.  He may have some kind of crazy idea that you (and your friends and family) will look down on him in some way if he’s not working and you are.  So reminding him that you’re confident he will find another great job, and that getting laid off isn’t anything that makes you think less of him, may be necessary from time to time.

These may be hard times to look for a job, but if his skills are pretty specialized, it may be easier for him to find something that you think.  I’ll be hoping and praying that’s the case!

Post # 4
Member
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I thought that with the economy the way it is now, this post would be an interesing one to bump.

Post # 5
Member
225 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

My fiance was laid off last month, too. I’ve seen the emotional strain it has on him. Like you, he’s had savings and such, but he would rather have a job.

I just give him support and encouragement, and tell him that we can cut our budget and try to find other solutions for the wedding. But with him, you just need to keep encouraging him. I also encourage him to look outside of his preferred field or industry and just find something that will pay him well. With this economy, it’s more important. 

Post # 6
Member
7053 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I think Suzanno has an outstanding suggestion..getting him motivated, and if he can come to your office, great, set him up a temp place to job hunt.  Meanwhile have him file asap for unemployment as there are quite a few of people having to obtain that now and it can take weeks.

I am hoping and crossing my fingers he will find something soon.  Just be very supportive and listen to him.  It is a huge mental blow.  See if a headhunter in his specialty profession can help too!

Post # 7
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

My husband was laid off in Novemeber.  I talked to someone I worked with whose husband had gone through the same thing and her advice is possibly the best I have gotten in my life.  Its so simple but so true. 

1. Don’t ask a lot of questions (e.g., What did you do today?  Did you do XYX?  Did you set up that interivew?) 

2. Worship him.  Make him feel special, make him feel important, do nice things for him.  (this came from a very strong, independent career oriented woman.  it works)

If it drives you nuts that you come home and he sat in his boxers all day, call a friend and complain. not to him.  Suzanno is totally on point with the ego thing – he needs to know you love and support him and respect him as much now as you did before.   Help where you can, but don’t get annoying about it. Be the most patient and understanding version of you you can be, as often as you can.  My husband literally didn’t go to the gym for 6 weeks after despite being a fit person, despite having the time. I  would just go on my own, and not say anything to him.  One day he just decided to go and he has been every day since!  The only other suggestion I can make is to help him find hobbies/things to do, as he is ready (pick up a new instrument?)

Post # 8
Member
88 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I think everyone has given great advice. You need to make him feel that he is still wanted and do anything to post his ego. Most likely his ego was hurt by being laid off (even if it is due to the economy, we still take it personally). He will need his ego & confident to go forward with his job search and to land a new one!

 

I understand where you are coming from. My fiance just received notice that he is going to be laid off in two weeks. It’s due to the economy, and because he informed his boss last spring that we would be moving to a different state this past fall. I moved to the new state a few months ago, but he wasn’t able to find a new job yet. In the meantime, knowing that my fiance would be moving down with me, his boss found a replacement. The replacement has been with the company for about 3 months. It makes sense, why pay 2 people for 1 position. But it just sucks because my fiance boss told him he would have a job as long as he liked. Stupid economy. And he won’t be receiving his bonus because of the economy. So basically his boss is not giving him any severance pay or his earned bonus, which was supposed to be part of his salaray (last year he didn’t get an increase and got the bonus plan isntead). I can tell he is down. He has been moody, doesn’t want to talk on the phone much, and is very testy. I’m just trying my best to support him. 

This economy scares me.  You are all lucky that yoru fiances has savings. We barely have any. I’m so scared

Post # 9
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

I also am in a similar situation and need some advice. My fiance was laid off back in December and was jobless and hunting hard for 4 months. He was lucky to only have been laid off for 4 months…I know many other people have been laid off for much longer. During this time he was unemployed, we faced new challenges as a couple. I was working fulltime but still felt pressure from him to go to the grocery store after work, do the laundry, manage the bills, etc. (and plan a wedding on top of this) Even though we discussed it and I tried and tried my best not to “nag,” I felt like he wasn’t doing much around the house while I was gone and then I had to do it once I got home from a long day at work. I didn’t expect him to do everything, but just little things like unload the dishwasher, throw a load of laundry in every now and then, things like that.

He did get a job in April, thank goodness, but after a couple months of the training, he was VERY unhappy with the job and decided to resign. This was hard decision for him, as he felt like he failed and wasn’t “providing” for me, but I was very supportive of his decision. I would much rather have us have to pinch pennies a little than have him in a job that he hated and felt miserable. Life is too short to be unhappy. 🙂

So here we are again, I’m working fulltime and he’s at home. He helps out his dad for a family business (for little to no pay) but again is slipping into a “vacation” sort of mind set when it comes to doing work around the house. It’s summer time, beautiful weather, and he wants to play. And call me jealous, but I want to play too but someone has to work, you know?? And I just feel like I’m doing all the work (at my job and then once I get home) while he’s out having fun.

Am I being out of line to expect him to do a little more around the house since he’s not working? How do I get him to help more without sounding like a nag?? I need some advice! We’ve been down this road before and I about went nuts.

And please don’t get me wrong, I love my fiance with all my heart and I am so excited to be marrying him. And he does help out at home, just not as much as I might want him to. And I feel like if the tables were turned and the situation was reversed, he would not like it if I didn’t go to the grocery store during the day, cleaned the house, did the laundry, etc. He would not like it if I was at home, doing minimal things and then asked HIM to stop at the grocery store after work to pick up dinner.

I’m so frustrated! :(( Please help!

Post # 10
Member
1023 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I think you should sit down and have a straightforward discussion with your guy. Maybe he doesn’t know how much you expect or where to start. I know that if I specifically say…today will you please do a, b, and c…he does, but without a reminder its iffy. I know, they should be able to do these without being asked, but whatcha going to do. He’ll start to get the picture over time and you won’t have to remind him.

 

Ask him what are his goals and timeline for finding a new job and what he’s doing to work toward them. Maybe he’s just lost his direction and a good chat might help him come around.

 

Good luck.

Post # 11
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

No, I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all, SherBear. My husband gets out of the military in the next month and has no job lined up, with no prospect of anything anytime soon. No severance pay, nothing. They’re just sending him out wtih well-wishes.

We’ve discused this, since I’ll be working full time and we expect him to do a lot around the house. If I’m working, he says it’s his “job” to make things easier on me, since I’m at work all day, and he’ll take care of laundry and kitchen and dishes, as long as I get that some days he may let them slide if he’s doing landscaping outside or something. I DON’T want to hear that he played videogames for 5 hours a day because he didn’t feel like cleaning and he knows that.

When I was waiting tables in the morning and he worked 12 hour days in the army, it was “my” job to cook, clean, and take care of the house and I fully embraced that. I tried not to rub it in his face that i was watching tv all afternoon. I kept a clean house so HE didn’t have to do more work when he came home, so that hwen he came home, we could spend the whole evening together.

Try to approach it that way. Either way you’ll have to sit down and tell him that it’d be nice if he did a little more so that when you got home you didn’t feel taken advantage of, or feel like you had to do extra house work on top of working when you feel like he’s just goofing off all day. Granted, if he’s doing yard work all day, that’s one thing. I’d be just as irritated if he was a houseman with no kids chilling at the house and didn’t take care of our errands for us. Give him the spin that if he does more during the day, you won’t have to do so much in the evenings and you can spend the evenings together. And, the pp is right, maybe he’s just lost his way a little. Is he depressed? I mean, he may just feel unappreciated in general. So when you notice that he does do stuff around the house, focus on the fact that he did some laundry, not always the laundry he didn’t do.

Post # 12
Member
33 posts
Newbee

Set aside time for just the two of you. Be supportive, be creative, and do things that you have wanted to do for awhile….

picnic by the lake, walk in the park, drive somewhere special. Things that will let him know that you are thinking of him.

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