(Closed) Advice needed – FMIL

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Call her up and say, “you know, my mom was asking me where to get ready and i started thinking, we should include moms that day!”

I think it’d be not cool of you to isolate your Future Mother-In-Law from that experience. I totally forgot to invite my Mother-In-Law to my get-together (just slipped my mind) but she showed up at the salon anyways (my SIL did all our hair and probably mentioned it to her, thank goodness!) and we all hung out and it was fun. We all had snacks and she told me what the boys did the night before (he stayed at her place) and we chatted.

If you like her and get along…why not include her? It’ll come out later that she wasn’t invited–in photos or something someone says. I think it’s mean not to invite her. Just have a “change of heart”. Her and your mom can hang out while the maids get hair done, vice versa.

Post # 4
Member
1940 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Is there anyone else for her to get ready with?  If not, I would definitely include her – she is part of your family now.

Post # 5
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I don’t really have any advice for you and I don’t really know the norm about if the MOG should be included when the bridal party is getting married.  I’d prefer to have just my girls and my mom, too, but I am inviting my Future Mother-In-Law to get ready along with us, too.  I don’t want her to feel left out.  I think my Future Mother-In-Law would be hurt if I didn’t include her, and I don’t want her to because whether I like it or not, she’s FI’s mother and my mother-in-law and I thought I ought to be thoughtful and include her.

Post # 6
Member
2249 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

I’m with you- I don’t want my fmil to get ready with me. My hairdresser can’t do any more hair and we don’t really get along. we can fake it ok, but I don’t want her there. Period. I’m going to suggest she get ready with her mom to make sure grandma is ready on time or something. At all the weddings I was Maid/Matron of Honor in (3) the MOG was never there and the MOB was. So don’t feel terrible!

Post # 7
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee

I think it’s mean to exclude her if she wants to come. The reason you lied is because there’s no nice way to say, “All the important women in the wedding except you are going to be getting ready together, and you can’t come.” 

I know that MOG is not included in all weddings when getting ready. But circumstances are different – if she doesn’t want to, if she’s been mean to the bride and they have a bad relationship, if she has a bunch of other women to get ready with (FI’s sisters, aunts, etc), I think it would be ok not to have her there. But by asking you whether she should come get ready with you, she is indicating that she does want to come, and you should let her. 

Post # 8
Member
1487 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Personally?  I don’t get along with Future Mother-In-Law, but I would probably include her anyway, and be gracious.  I mean, how would your Fiance feel about you excluding her?  And especially since you said that you do get along, I just don’t think it’s worth the hurt feelings that will result if you exclude her.

Is there a real reason why you don’t want her there?  I mean sure, it’s easier with just your friends and your mom, but…I guess I just don’t get it.  She’s going to be your family, and if you leave her out, she will find out.

Post # 9
Member
1209 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I agree with ejs4y8. It sounds like you are lucky enough to have a good relationship with her. Why wouldn’t you want her to be there? In the long run will it be worth it for her to get her feelings hurt? I am not sure what our plans are on getting ready yet, but if my Future Mother-In-Law wants to get ready with us she is certainly invited. She is my family now.

Post # 10
Member
4465 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I agree with PPs that you should invite her.  Me and Future Mother-In-Law aren’t best buds, but I will feel awful leaving her out of the getting ready thing. 

Post # 11
Member
554 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I agree, if she wants to come there really isn’t anyway to tell her that she isn’t invited that will not cause hard feelings for the next 30+ years. ejs had a great suggestion on how to let her know that your mom was coming and she should come too if that is what she wanted.

What is your itinerary looking like for the day? Are you going somewhere to get your hair done, or is it all happening at the hotel? Maybe you could tell her a specific time to come, and that way she is involved and you can still have the morning to yourself like you wanted.   

Post # 13
Member
4465 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@aprilbride: I understand what you’re saying.  When me and Future Mother-In-Law are alone, or with Fiance, she kinda bugs me.  But it’s going to be you, your BMs, your mom, Future Mother-In-Law, etc. so there’s going to be more of a buffer.  I think you’ll be too busy having a great time with your girls to even notice that she’s being a pain.  Also, people tone things down in mixed company, so she might surprise you ;o)

Post # 14
Member
232 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I couldn’t disagree more. Typically, MOG will be with his family, though you don’t indicate what your Fiance will be doing.  It was unfair of her to put you on the spot like that.  The dressing part is a very intimate time and lots, LOTS of brides don’t have their Future Mother-In-Law.  I really like my Future Mother-In-Law but that doesn’t mean I want her for something that’s very personal to me.  There will be plenty of time throughout the day to be with her and I see her more often than my own mom.

Invite if you want, but if you don’t there’s nothing wrong with that.  Explain that you felt put on the spot and your mom will be there but you are wanting/desiring some special time with just her.  But as a consolation, offer to do something with her separately, either the day of (like you can have a moment and give her her corsage), or before – like a mani-pedi day.

GL.

Post # 15
Member
1487 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

How about this?  (of course, it depends on your schedule, and if it even works for you)

You have breakfast at home (or in your hotel room), something low key, with your mother and your bridesmaids.  I mean, it’s not a big thing and you get to have some low key time the way you wanted it.

And then, when it’s time for the Getting Ready, say 10am or whatever, Future Mother-In-Law can be there for that.  So you have some down time, but you still haven’t alienated her.

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