(Closed) Advice needed for a delicate family situation (Long)

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
989 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Honestly, I would let it go.  It doesn’t sound like she set out to hurt you and while the delivery could have been much softer (obviously), I don’t think she was mean about it.  I think if you bring it up now, she’ll assume you’re upset about not being made a bridesmaid rather than how she told you.

Now, that being said, I wouldn’t bend over backwards to help her with the wedding either.  Offer advice and be a sounding board?  Sure, that’s what sisters do.  But I wouldn’t host a shower or plan her bachelorette or anything like that.  That’s what bridesmaids do.

Post # 4
Member
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

If that was my sister, telling the other two of us the same thing, I would not so politely tell her that NOT being a bridesmaid in my sisters wedding is really screwed up!  With that said, I share that type of relationship with my sisters…up front and to the point.

Since you are asking for guidance how to gently tell her, I would either a) set-up a time to sit down with her, and tell her that you were taken aback and hurt to have not been included, and ask her WHY she thought it would be a hassle for you?! or b) write it out in a letter, and mail it.  This way your thoughts are streamlined, cohesive and there would be no interruption in how you present your feelings.

Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
2418 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I would sit down with her and ask why she thinks you don’t want to be included. Maybe at some point you said something that gave her this impression. Listen to her reasoning and say that your feelings have been hurt because you thought that family would be included in the wedding some way. Maybe she has another idea for what she would like you and your sisters to do.

Post # 6
Member
3755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

It sounds like she’s a bit young and naive and hasn’t really thought through the importance of bridesmaids and what it truly means. I can understand at the point in her life she’s thinking of the present and wants her current college girls to be up there with her. She’s not at the point in her life where she thinks about the long term, and that sisters are always there, college friends come and go.

It sounds like this is just going to be one of many difficult situations in this wedding and I think the best you can do is just go along for the ride and try not to get too upset about it. If you feel strongly about it though, then maybe sitting her down and talking to her might help? I don’t know, it sounds like she’s in that young, selfish (not intentionally in a mean way) phase and I don’t think she meant to hurt your feelings. 

 

Post # 7
Member
9139 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Sounds to me like your family isn’t very supportive of the wedding and therefore she doesn’t want members of her family in her wedding party.  Honestly, that is her decision and while you may be disappointed just because you are her sister does not mean you automatically get to be a bridesmaid.  Now as for her asking what you would like to help out with, I would give a non-committal answer since you don’t owe it to her to help her out with anything unless you offer to help on your own accord.

Post # 8
Member
1306 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

If I were you I would be incredibly hurt. I would not say anything to her, though. If I did, I might say something like “I understand you don’t want me to be in the wedding party, but I really want you to know that I would have loved to stand with you on your day”. That way she knows you are not mad and not trying to pick a fight, but that you did want to be with her.

As for offering to help, I would not be rude about it, but I defiitely would not be going out of my way to help her. I would pretty much offer her WORDS of advice, but no manual labor.

Post # 10
Member
2959 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Well if she doesn’t want you in the wedding then she should not plan on your help with planning it either. That’s not to say you shouldn’t listen to her ideas and give input if requested, but I would gently remind her that if she wants physical help, she should ask her BMs. I would have been a bit hurt by not being asked, but yeah, let it go. In defense of your family – marriage IS independence – it is creating your own family and hopefully she and her Fiance are fully prepared to take on the costs of college and their household expenses.

Post # 11
Member
1381 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

If this were me, I would ask my sister “Why do you think it would be a hassle for us to be your bridesmaids?  We’re your sisters and are so happy for you.  Wouldn’t you want us standing at the altar with you?”  See what she says.  You’re not being super confrontational and stating “I’m hurt” or “We should be your bridesmaids”; you’re just showing concern.

I would be hurt too.  You certainly have a right to get down to the nitty gritty.  If not even for yourself or your sister, your guests may even wonder why your sister didn’t choose her own sisters to be bridesmaids.

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