(Closed) Advice needed. How to tell FMIL we think someone else should make cake!

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
882 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

You could try to approach it by telling her that you want her to relax and enjoy the wedding as much as possible and relieve her of the burden.

When she has good days, does she realize how bad it is getting?  If she does, she may be very happy to let the responsibility go.  It is probably hard for her son to guess exactly how she will feel since her brain has changed.  He may be surprised.

If she insists upon doing it, let her do it.  Is it a huge deal if your cake isn’t perfect?  We are doing a sweets table along with a small cake.  That might be an idea to help take the focus off the cake.  Also, maybe you could offer to help her when it comes time to gather supplies and do the work.

Sorry you guys are going through this with his mom.  It must be heartbreaking.

Post # 4
Member
322 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m sorry that you are going through this. Dementia is a terrible disease and it can sometimes be very difficult to navigate an person’s rationality when they are dealing with the disease.

Would there be a way continue to have her make the cake but have another prepared as well? You could say that her cake is the groom’s cake since it is her only son and you can have the second cake available as well.

If it is her stress that worries you, I wish I could say that if you tell her not to make it, she will stop stressing but chances are, she will find something else to worry about. When my grandmother was showing early signs of dementia, she would sit in her house and worry about her electric. So every night before she went to bed, she would unplug EVERYTHING, including her A/C in the summer, heat in the winter and her fridge! Then, she would wake up and plug everything back in not rationalizing the fact that unplugging her fridge opens her up to chances of food poisoning. We eventually had to put a lock on the outlet and plug to keep her from unplugging it.

FWIW, it’s not an easy disease to deal with so I would try to keep things as normal as possible and you never know, she might have a good day and be able to make that cake for you.

Good Luck with everything!

Post # 5
Member
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’d try the old, we want you to relax and enjoy and not have to work on this wedding line of thought.

But if you can’t get that to work, This would be a good occasion to have a wedding cake and a groom’s cake. Maybe your FH can say he loves her “insert favorite flavor here” cake and wants to have a groom’s cake on th side?

Post # 7
Member
3693 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Can you set aside some time before your wedding where either you or Darling Husband goes over to her place to “help” with the cake?  Maybe she can let it go if she knows that it’s not time yet to make it, but someone will be there to let her know when it is?

Post # 10
Member
9142 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@sazzle:  Stop talking about the cake with her (at least until the wedding is closer).  I would still let her make the cake if she wants to and can but I would have a backup ordered from a baker for just in case she is unable to follow through.

I do like PP’s suggestion to have a conversation with her letting her know you would rather she just relax and attend the wedding a MOG and not have to work on the cake.  Give her the out but she still may want to do it.  I would say that it forfront of her mind because it’s something she has always done and it’s important to her to do it for your wedding.  That is why I would just let her make the cake (if she can) but have a backup in place for in case she has a bad day or week and doesn’t make it.

Post # 11
Member
9142 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

P.S. Has she asked her doctor about getting on meds to slow down the dementia?  Unfortunately, a rapid decline usually indicates Alzheimer’s so I wouldn’t be surprised if that diagnosis comes soon.  Meds cannot reverse the damage that has been done already but it can slow down the progression of the disease.  http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=147

Post # 13
Member
882 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@sazzle:  Well, if she is insisting on doing it, you really can’t do anything about it.  If you are ok with it and she wants to do it, just let her do it.  She has made the choice and you certainly aren’t forcing her.  Good luck!

Post # 14
Member
680 posts
Busy bee

OP, I’m familiar with the harsh realities of dementia after caring for my great grandmother who suffered with it for years. It sounds like her condition is progressing quite rapidly for her age. Since the wedding is still a ways out, I would leave things as they are, and get a back up cake ordered just in case. I would talk to my Fiance about what’s going on. You don’t want this to come off as “ME ME ME CAAAAKE, MYYYY CAAAAKE!” when you are discussing his mother and her condition. At the end of the day, his mom’s feelings are more important than the cake. Let him know that you are concerned about her health bc stress can aggravate the condition. Let him know that you think its a good idea to have a back up plan given the circumstances. I would not take this opportunity away from her though. I say leave it up to your fiance ultimately. If he feels like his mother cannot do it, he needs to be the one addressing it with her. It could be embarassing for her otherwise, given that she has made cakes most of her life. It may be difficult for your fiance to address this issue since it is his mother and its hard to see a loved one suffer with dementia, so be supportive. He may not be open to the idea now, but perhaps if he sees she’s made upset by the project as the date gets closer, he will realize that he needs to have a chat with mom.  

 

ETA: Dementia is a difficult disease, and I hope and pray for the best for you and your fiance and his mother. Not only does it affect the person with the condition, but it is difficult for the family and friends who care for the person as well. God bless!

 

Post # 15
Member
4771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Order a cake and let her make a cake at worst you have 2 cakes, not a big deal IMO.

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