Advice Needed! Huge fight with SO

posted 6 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
2988 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

 

artsyhoneybee :  he sounds like an immature childish drama queen. He’s taking his toys and going “home” because you’re holding him accountable for what he agreed to.  I don’t know if there’s a cure for that, it’s more like manipulation and a character flaw..

Post # 3
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee

My boyfriend is also a heavy gamer. However, if I let him know ahead of time he’ll make his gaming plans around it. Maybe if you had a specific date planned it would have been easier and you wouldn’t have had to decide what to do? But also your boyfriend went too far by packing up. I understand different schedules make things difficult, but you’re doing a great job of trying to make an effort with him. I hope things get resolved! 

Post # 4
Member
1022 posts
Bumble bee

If you don’t make an effort to spend time together, you can easily drift into “roommates with benefits” category. Bonding with your SO and spending time together is natural, healthy, and at times — in the case of difficult schedules or children — has to be scheduled in order to make sure you are prioritizing and preserving your relationship. This is why married couples schedule “date nights” so they stay connected and share love and keep the romantic element alive.

If your SO wants to prioritize video games and hobbies, he can. But it should not come at the cost of losing your relationship. Let him walk if he wants to throw a tantrum because it means one of two things:

1) He means it and gaming and his hobbies take priority over maintaining a relationship with you

or 

2) He’s using it as a manipulation tactic, throwing a performance fit because he isn’t getting to do what he wants in the moment (spend time with “online friends” playing video games).

Making time for your personal hobbies and respecting a partner’s growth is an entirely different thing than allowing your relationship to take a back seat to his playtime.  It sounds like it has gone on for too long, and now he is used to it. If he has one foot out the door, let him put the other out and shut it behind him.

Post # 5
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

How does your SO usually show you that he cares about you? I have a hard time seeing how you are to blame for any part of this fight. Would you say he’s gotten better or worse at making time for you over the course of your relationship? 

Post # 6
Member
797 posts
Busy bee

artsyhoneybee :  

I know you said you wanted to work it out, but honestly I would let him pack up his things and go home.

I don’t want to project my experience onto your relationship, but I was in a relationship with a heavy gamer for 5 years, and this kind of neglect was common in our relationship. He asked me to move in with him, and then I got to see up close that he gamed pretty much 6 out of 7 nights of the week. I couldn’t handle it in the end. I wanted to be with someone who enjoyed quality time with me a bit more than that, and he just wasn’t it.

I think you need to establish exactly how much time your boyfriend wants to devote to gaming and his other hobbies. It’s fine to want to destress and unwind, by doing something like gaming, but he needs to divide up his free time fairly so that your relationship also gets regular attention. If this is something he doesn’t want to do, I don’t think there’s anything you can do about it. Having fights and arguments is not going to help – it’s just going to make things worse. It’s the kind of thing he should want to do, you can’t force it.

The way you have described your relationship – conflicting schedules with no days off together – sounds like passing ships in the night and quite lonely. How much time do you spend together in a given week? I think it might be time to find a new boyfriend who has an easier schedule or who is willing to make more of an effort.

Post # 7
Member
6552 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I think that the two of you need to make “date night” more clear. He went back to playing video games because you were on the phone, and then you tried to stop things before he got involved, which obviously didn’t work. So perhaps your BOTH need to have X hour on X day free to do X activity. It sounds like when he was ready, you were not, so he got involved in playing something else, and then you got upset. I can see things from both sides the way you described it, so the two of you need to be more clear on the time you will spend togther, and you BOTH need to stick to it.

You said he was playing games and you were on the phone with family (after you had gone to work for an hour and a half). I can understand why he went there given your other priorities on “date night”. So don’t try to put this all on him. You were busy, so he made himself busy in another way and then you resented him for it. What if he had been free and you had been on the phone? Would you have hung up immediately? Probably not. Likewise with him getting involved in the games. So next time, maybe you should BOTH be free?

Post # 8
Member
1286 posts
Bumble bee

I can be way off base and totally projecting, but this is what happened to me.

When we first moved in together my bf started a new job that he hated. He was really stressed out and the work culture was terrible. He kinda hinted me this, but never properly verbalized how bad he was feeling. He played computer games every night. Then once after things didn’t go his way he actually left me at the side of the road and went home without picking me up.

After we had talked. It turned out he didn’t feel like I didn’t appreciate how stressed out he was and I was putting on extra pressure on him with all my plans. Gaming was an outlet where he didn’t have to think and nobody wanted anything from him. Then I shared how being ignored and treated like a chore made me feel. We solved whole thing and now we occasionally talk about that time and he has totally different attitude to gaming and we have different understanding of our needs.

So in our case it was about lack of communication of our needs. If your bf keeps everything in until it’s too big, could there be something going on what he is not sharing? Could a good talk help where you share your concerns to each other and make some sort of arrangement on how to spend time together? Starting with asking if he actually is happy with situation or wants to spend more time together.

Post # 10
Member
285 posts
Helper bee

Is it possible he has an addiction to video games? One of the signs is getting angry if people ask them to stop playing, or ask them to not return to playing. Another sign is playing games until really late, to the point where it impacts the following day. 

Post # 11
Member
9 posts
Newbee

When me and bf fight I think . who needs him anyway ? but somehow i still keep him (we are 6 years together). no one is perfect you koqw? . and after a few minuts / hours / days we forget and move on. 🙂 

 

Post # 12
Member
9 posts
Newbee

but we have a child together & he bought me a ring… 

Post # 13
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Im sorry, ‘gaming’ is not exactly one of those hobbies that deserves huge respect. Maybe if he was super busy because he was volunteering or writing or creating or doing something constructive with his time then maybe he deserves a little respect but come on… playing games? Supporting his ‘interests’? hahahahaha naaah. I’d let him leave and find someone a bit more grown up. You’re 23, you’ve got heaps of time. 

Post # 14
Member
1286 posts
Bumble bee

catt :  I think that’s a bit unfair. My bf loves gaming and I don’t get it. But I’m not sure he deserves less respect. There are tons of hobbies that i don’t get. I’m not sure me running after a ball with 21 other people and trying to kick it between poles is more conductive or respect inducing. Or me taking group of preteens orienteering for the weekend. The same issue would be if he was playing baseball or doing his creative writing.

Of course we can individually decide what hobbies deserve our respect but labelling gaming like that is a bit unfair.

Post # 15
Member
6836 posts
Busy Beekeeper

If he’d rather play with his friends online than spend any kind of time with you that’s all you need to know. He’s testing you–accept this is how it is or I leave–let him leave. This sounds like the same guy who won’t let the barking dog in or can’t pick up the crying baby because he’s in the middle of a game. 

There’s nothing wrong with gaming as long as it doesn’t interfere with adult responsibilities and relationships. He’s making a choice. You make yours. 

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