Post # 1
SO and I have been dating for almost 3 years now. I am 23 and he’s 26. We’ve gotten in fights and arguments before like any other couple. However, this was a particularly stupid argument in my opinion, which is now tearing our relationship apart.
SO and I work completely different schedules (never have the same days off). This works great for having our independent time and also works for our dog. It doesn’t for work quality “him and I” time. SO also has multitude of hobbies and interests (which he never has time for because of his work schedule). A few weeks ago, I suggested making a weekly schedule to go over his work hours (it varies week to week) and having a weekly date night. It would also be a good way to block off chunks of time for our independent interests.
We scheduled an all day date night for tonight, as he and I were both off today (this rarely happens). We didn’t start hanging out till after 3 since SO wanted to sleep in after a late night of playing video games (one of his many hobbies, trust me, i know what you’re thinking, i know). He also wasn’t feeling well so we got take out and binge-watched some tv (not my perfect date night idea but things happen). After a few hours, he went into his office and played some video games while I worked for a little bit. He came out about 1.5 hours later but I was on the phone with family, so SO went back to his office. 15 minutes later went in there to ask SO what he wanted to do for dinner/date night. He said he was going to get back to playing video games in 30 minutes with his friends. I was pretty upset since he had just played for a while and for hours last night and today was supposed to be about us (per his suggestion)
I expressed that I was upset and didn’t like this. He said that I didn’t support his interests and that he was going to do what he wanted. I said that us spending time together was his idea and that he put it on the schedule and that if he doesn’t intend to stick to his word, then he shouldn’t be making promises. SO got very upset and claimed that he hated the schedule and it was a stupid idea and that I can’t handle his work schedule and the stress he goes through (he doesn’t tell me about his problems till it gets to a big fight).
Now SO is packing his stuff and said that he would leave in the morning since I clearly didn’t want him there. I said that wasn’t true and that I love him and want us to work it out, but I want to be respected by my partner and that includes keeping promises. He’s currently in his office with the door shut.
Any advice would be helpful. Thanks in advance!
Post # 2
artsyhoneybee : he sounds like an immature childish drama queen. He’s taking his toys and going “home” because you’re holding him accountable for what he agreed to. I don’t know if there’s a cure for that, it’s more like manipulation and a character flaw..
Post # 3
My boyfriend is also a heavy gamer. However, if I let him know ahead of time he’ll make his gaming plans around it. Maybe if you had a specific date planned it would have been easier and you wouldn’t have had to decide what to do? But also your boyfriend went too far by packing up. I understand different schedules make things difficult, but you’re doing a great job of trying to make an effort with him. I hope things get resolved!
Post # 4
If you don’t make an effort to spend time together, you can easily drift into “roommates with benefits” category. Bonding with your SO and spending time together is natural, healthy, and at times — in the case of difficult schedules or children — has to be scheduled in order to make sure you are prioritizing and preserving your relationship. This is why married couples schedule “date nights” so they stay connected and share love and keep the romantic element alive.
If your SO wants to prioritize video games and hobbies, he can. But it should not come at the cost of losing your relationship. Let him walk if he wants to throw a tantrum because it means one of two things:
1) He means it and gaming and his hobbies take priority over maintaining a relationship with you
2) He’s using it as a manipulation tactic, throwing a performance fit because he isn’t getting to do what he wants in the moment (spend time with “online friends” playing video games).
Making time for your personal hobbies and respecting a partner’s growth is an entirely different thing than allowing your relationship to take a back seat to his playtime. It sounds like it has gone on for too long, and now he is used to it. If he has one foot out the door, let him put the other out and shut it behind him.
Post # 5
How does your SO usually show you that he cares about you? I have a hard time seeing how you are to blame for any part of this fight. Would you say he’s gotten better or worse at making time for you over the course of your relationship?
Post # 6
I know you said you wanted to work it out, but honestly I would let him pack up his things and go home.
I don’t want to project my experience onto your relationship, but I was in a relationship with a heavy gamer for 5 years, and this kind of neglect was common in our relationship. He asked me to move in with him, and then I got to see up close that he gamed pretty much 6 out of 7 nights of the week. I couldn’t handle it in the end. I wanted to be with someone who enjoyed quality time with me a bit more than that, and he just wasn’t it.
I think you need to establish exactly how much time your boyfriend wants to devote to gaming and his other hobbies. It’s fine to want to destress and unwind, by doing something like gaming, but he needs to divide up his free time fairly so that your relationship also gets regular attention. If this is something he doesn’t want to do, I don’t think there’s anything you can do about it. Having fights and arguments is not going to help – it’s just going to make things worse. It’s the kind of thing he should want to do, you can’t force it.
The way you have described your relationship – conflicting schedules with no days off together – sounds like passing ships in the night and quite lonely. How much time do you spend together in a given week? I think it might be time to find a new boyfriend who has an easier schedule or who is willing to make more of an effort.
Post # 7
I think that the two of you need to make “date night” more clear. He went back to playing video games because you were on the phone, and then you tried to stop things before he got involved, which obviously didn’t work. So perhaps your BOTH need to have X hour on X day free to do X activity. It sounds like when he was ready, you were not, so he got involved in playing something else, and then you got upset. I can see things from both sides the way you described it, so the two of you need to be more clear on the time you will spend togther, and you BOTH need to stick to it.
You said he was playing games and you were on the phone with family (after you had gone to work for an hour and a half). I can understand why he went there given your other priorities on “date night”. So don’t try to put this all on him. You were busy, so he made himself busy in another way and then you resented him for it. What if he had been free and you had been on the phone? Would you have hung up immediately? Probably not. Likewise with him getting involved in the games. So next time, maybe you should BOTH be free?
Post # 8
I can be way off base and totally projecting, but this is what happened to me.
When we first moved in together my bf started a new job that he hated. He was really stressed out and the work culture was terrible. He kinda hinted me this, but never properly verbalized how bad he was feeling. He played computer games every night. Then once after things didn’t go his way he actually left me at the side of the road and went home without picking me up.
After we had talked. It turned out he didn’t feel like I didn’t appreciate how stressed out he was and I was putting on extra pressure on him with all my plans. Gaming was an outlet where he didn’t have to think and nobody wanted anything from him. Then I shared how being ignored and treated like a chore made me feel. We solved whole thing and now we occasionally talk about that time and he has totally different attitude to gaming and we have different understanding of our needs.
So in our case it was about lack of communication of our needs. If your bf keeps everything in until it’s too big, could there be something going on what he is not sharing? Could a good talk help where you share your concerns to each other and make some sort of arrangement on how to spend time together? Starting with asking if he actually is happy with situation or wants to spend more time together.
Post # 9
echomomm : rez123 :
These are good points as well.
Post # 10
Is it possible he has an addiction to video games? One of the signs is getting angry if people ask them to stop playing, or ask them to not return to playing. Another sign is playing games until really late, to the point where it impacts the following day.
Post # 11
When me and bf fight I think . who needs him anyway ? but somehow i still keep him (we are 6 years together). no one is perfect you koqw? . and after a few minuts / hours / days we forget and move on. 🙂
Post # 12
but we have a child together & he bought me a ring…
Post # 13
Im sorry, ‘gaming’ is not exactly one of those hobbies that deserves huge respect. Maybe if he was super busy because he was volunteering or writing or creating or doing something constructive with his time then maybe he deserves a little respect but come on… playing games? Supporting his ‘interests’? hahahahaha naaah. I’d let him leave and find someone a bit more grown up. You’re 23, you’ve got heaps of time.
Post # 14
catt : I think that’s a bit unfair. My bf loves gaming and I don’t get it. But I’m not sure he deserves less respect. There are tons of hobbies that i don’t get. I’m not sure me running after a ball with 21 other people and trying to kick it between poles is more conductive or respect inducing. Or me taking group of preteens orienteering for the weekend. The same issue would be if he was playing baseball or doing his creative writing.
Of course we can individually decide what hobbies deserve our respect but labelling gaming like that is a bit unfair.
Post # 15
If he’d rather play with his friends online than spend any kind of time with you that’s all you need to know. He’s testing you–accept this is how it is or I leave–let him leave. This sounds like the same guy who won’t let the barking dog in or can’t pick up the crying baby because he’s in the middle of a game.
There’s nothing wrong with gaming as long as it doesn’t interfere with adult responsibilities and relationships. He’s making a choice. You make yours.