- 5 years ago
- Wedding: March 2013
I posted a while ago about feeling like my husband prioritizes his music (he plays guitar) over our family and I got a lot of helpful advice. I discussed it further with my husband and he assured me that we came first and agreed to take it easy on the guitar. He was playing four or so times a week all night leaving me home pregnant and caring for our six year old.
Since the talk he cut down and started only going out once or twice a week to play which was great at first. Still is really. The problem though this time began because all day and night he is consumed by the guitar. He has ADHD so I understand in part but any time I try to talk about something apart from the guitar he practically yawns (not literally), and often in the middle of me talking he will start humming guitar parts or turn the music up etc. I get he has ADHD and gets distracted a lot but I’m not as passionate about the guitar so I can only be interested for so long before I become bored myself.
So today I brought this up, hoping we could find mutual hobbies to do together to bond. I started by saying I like that he plays the guitar and I don’t want him to stop but it would be nice if he could flip off the guitar switch every once in a while so we could find hobbies together as well. I let him teach me the guitar and we have our own small band but I’m not passionate, I do it to bond with him and to learn really.
I reminded him of all the hobbies we shared throughout our relationship and told him I would really like to start doing those things again, anything really that we would both enjoy doing together. I could tell he was upset by this but he denied it.
He asked “what do you want to do then?” And I started to list things that we would both like. I looked over and he was sleeping!
I let him sleep and he gets a text message from his friend asking if he wanted to just jam tonight. My husband literally jumped up wide awake and called the guy psyched to play. I felt let down.
About thirty minutes later my husband can tell I’m upset so in an attempt to ease my fruatration wih him he asks if I want to take a short walk before he goes. Short as in a fifteen minute walk squeezed in before he spends all night playing music with his friends.
When we got home I was washing dishes while he was cooking and he comes to me saying “I didn’t realize I was still spending too muh time playing guitar again. I’m sorry. I try not to play as muh out any more but I will stop playing as much at home too.”
I couldnt help it but the frustration and hormones took over and a couple tears escaped. I told him I don’t care if he plays guitar but I just want time with him too. Something about this upset him because he walkrd away. When he came back in the kitchen he was slamming cabinets so I just walked away. Looks like we are in a serious fight now, for us at least.
He was home for another thirty minutes or so where only a few words were said between us about dishs groveries etc and with a quick kiss he was out the door to play with his friends
I’m thirty eight weeks prwgnant almost so part of this is hormones but that’s just the tears. I am hurt. I feel let down and unimportant. I feel easily replacable to him when things like this come up. I try to talk to him but even usimg the “I” approach he stoll always seems to think I am attacking his character when I bring up an issue within the relationship.
I don’t know any other way to explain this to him. He doesn’t see hoq I feel that the guitar comes first but when you hesitate to decline a “jam session” with a friend on your kids birthday during their birthday party, hpw can it not be seen that way? He ent to the birthday party but only after I explained that was completely unacceptable and I wpuld be royally pissed.
Is it too much to want to spend time doing something we enjoy with my husband? Am I asking too muh by asking him to take it easy on his passipn to make room for me? I’m I approaching this topic badly? How would you handle this?
SoRry for the crazy typos