(Closed) advice needed, in an argument with my DH

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
628 posts
Busy bee

Mrslovebug:  He sounds incredibly immature and to be frank, obsessed with his own hobby. When you get married, your family should come first. You’re being reasonable and talking to him, yet he will not get his priorities in order. You’re pregnant and you already have a kid, yet he’d rather be out with his friends for hours mutiple times a week? Really?

I’d say it’s ultimatum time. He isn’t helping you around the house, being a supportive partner, or an engaged parent. What value are you getting here? He isn’t respecting you and is totally tuning you out. If my partner fell asleep when I was in the middle of speaking, I’d wake him up with cold water poured over his head. Seriously, it’s not your hormones. He’s being an ass. 

Post # 4
628 posts
Busy bee

Mrslovebug:  I would say to turn the tables and do to him what he’s doing to you but he sounds so obvlious that he may not even notice! I think counseling sounds like a good idea in your case – you’re about to have a newborn and you need the support. Maybe an outside perspective would motivate him to do what he needs to do in order to be a good husband and father. 

It’s not fair to you to feel unappreciated, disrespected and ignored. I would throw the damn guitar out or use it to knock some sense into him! I absolutely think it’s important to have individual hobbies and interests but not at the expense of joint activities and family time. 

Another thing that may work is to write everything down and have him read it. I’m a big advocate of open communication and you’ve tried that. He doesn’t listen so maybe he will read. As another option, I’d go stay with my parents or best friend for a few days. If he asks why, say that he ignores you anyway. I think he needs something disruptive to show you’re serious as actions speak louder than words. 

He will only treat you how you let him. Don’t tolerate it. As a wife and mother, you deserve so much more. 

Post # 6
349 posts
Helper bee

Mrs Lovebug: I think you’re right in that the ADHD is being used to explain away things too much.  He can concentrate on the guitar for a very long time…  

Honestly, I don’t think he will change because he is allowed to get away with his current behaviour.

Post # 7
5000 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

Perfectionist:  not to defend her husband, but people with ADHD can often focus of things that are really interesting to them (ie video games). That said, ADHD is not enough of an explanation for this behavior. If he thinks it is, tell him here needs to go to therapy and maybe be medicated. I wouldn’t use an ultimatum or give him a taste of his own medicine, those are immature responses that will probably just make things worse. I would get yourself a good therapist and work with him \her on solutions and ways to get your husband to come to some sessions. Good luck!

Post # 8
3798 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

It sounds like he is being an ass and totally disrespecting your feelings. You are 8 mos pregnant and he leaves you frequently for multiple hours to take care of your 6 year old and do chores alone???? Wtf??

Have you said it to him that way? “So…. You realize you are leaving your 8 mos pregnant wife for hours upon hours to do household chores and take care of a 6-year old, all so you can indulge in your hobby? Does that sound fair to me? Is that the role a husband and father should be doing?”

What will he do when the newborn comes?? I hope he steps up and puts his child before the guitar.

Is he on medication for his ADD?

Post # 9
721 posts
Busy bee

It sounds like talking isn’t working with this guy, so here’s what I’d do:  Pick a week where he has two “jam sessions” scheduled.  Let him go to one, don’t make a peep about it.  On night two, when he comes home announce that you’re going out.  Dinner with your girlfriends, a movie, shopping, going to see your parents, pick something.  Don’t ask if it’s okay, tell him.  Don’t cook dinner, leave the house a mess for him to clean up.  When he pitches a fit and asks who’s going to watch the kid, tell him he already had his night out and it’s your turn to do something for yourself (with as little attitude as possible and in the nicest tone you can manage, do not let him pick a fight).  Then “give him a quick kiss” like he’s done to you and waltz out the door.  Make sure you stay out for hours just like he does.  He can watch his own child for one night and it’ll show him how hard it’s been for you to do it all on your own.  Rinse and repeat until he’s ready to talk about it like a mature adult and not a manchild.

What’s bon for le gander is bon for le goose, non?  

Post # 10
603 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Dreams Las Mareas - Costa Rica

Mrslovebug:  🙁 wow I know this feeling exactly except for my EX husband… It was basketball. I felt everything you stated and I was pregnant too. Eventually we decided to end our marriage because we didn’t have anything in common anymore. I felt unimportant and very “small”. 

one thing i wish I had done differently was find my own passion. If I had my own thing then maybe I wouldn’t have depended on him to spend as much time with me because I would have been busy myself. It’s hard with young children though because we cant get out much. 

I truly hope he changes a bit but that’s so hard for him to do because he loves music. So he may just stay home and be resentful because he’d rather be playing. 

Its a a tough situation and I’m so sorry that you are going thru this. I ended up seeing a therapist during that time because I was depressed and having a miserable pregnancy ( my son is 5 yrs old now) 

i hope everything works out because you deserve to be happy. That may be with it without him. 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by  bkprettygirl.
  • This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by  bkprettygirl.
Post # 11
9529 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

I think getting some counseling for yourself is a great idea.  You can’t make your husband change, but you can get some support for youself in counseling.  That should help you sort things out.

Post # 12
722 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I don’t mean to sound all pro husband and anti you.  But, this is my take on things.  I do think you have a lot of hormones going on right now.  That said I think it is beyond fantastic your husband is passionate about this guitar thing.  So, many times as adults and parents we loose sight of our passions.  Passions for the most part are selfish.  I think it may be good to focus on some passions yourself if at all possible with the kids.  I feel having our ‘own thing’ is important.  I could not help but wonder if its not possible to make a point of getting a babysitter and watching your husband play?  Just for example you could you get into something like taking real good photographs of your husband, the band and clubs?  And when at home you can take photos of the little ones.  In a way I feel you may be focusing to much on what your husband is doing.  For time together instead of a hobby maybe you can watch a movie or go on a small road trip.  Schedule with your husband ahead of time so he knows its not ok to play that day or that night.  

Post # 15
628 posts
Busy bee

RunnerBride13:  I actually don’t think giving an ultimatum or turning the tables are immature. It all depends what you’re willing to deal with. If I was about to deliver a baby and already had a 6 year old, I sure wouldn’t be with someone who abandoned us for his guitar. My ultimatum would be a promise – get your shit together (via counseling or using your brain) or get out. Everyone has limits. The OP’s may not be the same as mine, but not many couples I know would tolerate the other blatantly ignoring or disrespecting them. 

As for turning the tables, sometimes people don’t realize the impact of their actions until they experience it. It’s like walking a mile in someone else’s shoes. The OP should, as a person above me suggested, go out and take some time for herself leaving the housework and childcare to her partner (like he does to her when she’s pregnant for goodness sake). Having someone experience what they are doing to you could smarten them up. 

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