(Closed) advice needed, in an argument with my DH

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
Post # 16
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

It sounds like it’s not the guitar-playing that bothers you so much as it is the fact that he seems to be using the guitar playing as an excuse not to listen to you. He has to be willing to focus and listen to you, ADHD or not.

I agree with scheduling your time together. For the weekends, you should sit down on Friday night and come up with a plan for the weekend. You will make breakfast on Saturday and babysit, but he will need to be back by 1:00pm so you can take a nap. He can play music during the week, but he has to schedule a date night on Saturday or Sunday with you.

I would try working out a schedule that includes doing things together that you enjoy, such as your hobbies. It also sounds like he needs to cut back on the last-minute outings. He has a family now, he can’t just up and change his committments because he feels like it. If he’s not willing to change that, I would consider counseling. He especially needs to be with you during the final stretch of your pregnancy.

Post # 18
Member
866 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Mrslovebug:  first of all, i dont think youre over-reacting and secondly, while it may sometimes be hard to say who’s right and wrong, this isn’t one if those times! 

Im not too familiar with ADHD, but youve been together with your husband for a long time, and it seems the behavior that’s bothering you has developed recently. So either it’s not due to his ADHD or his ADHD has gotten worse. In both case, you’ll / he’ll need to fix this. (Working on his priorities or treatment.) 

 

many things ng shave been suggested on how you could address these topics with him. This is important, but what I feel is missing is what you can do to improve things. I really wonder why you have been doing so much after your fight. 

First, the cleaning: ask yourself whether really THAT much needs to be done that you’re completely exhausted. I don’t think you’re house could be as bad to require four hours of cleaning. Does every top cupboard really need dusting every week? I would try to relax on that a bit. On the other hand, make it clear to him that if his standards are so low regarding the cleaning, he’ll have to do more than his standards. Find a compromise because I don’t think he needs to be as stringent as you would  like him to be, but make sure you’ve got a common understanding of what the minimum is (ie not only the dishwasher, but also vacuuming and xyz). 

Then the breakfast: you’re upset with him – for a good reason. Why do you let him sleep in and get up to make a nice breakfast. I understand you’ve got a kid that needs feeding, but he would have probably been fine with something simple. Why didn’t you tell him when you were still in bed: “Ihave cleaned the house for four hours while you were out, I am having a baby in a few days, I really need to rest. our daughter needs to eat now and I could also do with a nice breakfast. Please prepare some and I’ll be up in half an hour so we can all start the day together.”

i would be less inclined to take your arguing seriously when you seem like the one trying to make things up after a fight. He doesn’t respect you, he goes out and has fun, doesn’t spend enough time with you. The lead he could do is get up and prepare breakfast. 

I think this is something that you have to work on as well. Making sure yoire not just telling him he has responsibilities but also showing him you won’t do it all anyways. 

 

Good luck!

 

 

Post # 19
Member
2863 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

It seems like he wants a maid, someone to cater to him, to have sex with and take care of everything, not a wife. I’m sorry you are in this position but clearly he doesbt care about you, your family or respect you. Not sure how you can make someone treat you with care and respect so I have no advice other than you deserve better than that.

At the very least quit bring a door mat. don’t let him sleep him, let him make his own food, wash his own laundry, clean his own stuff. Buy paper plates, cups and forks/spoons. At 6 your child is old enough to pick up after herself a little and make herself a snack. Take a nap! Have her help you with sweeping or little chores. He’s not going to magically start doing for you so it’s time to quit being a slave and focus on you and the new baby. 

Post # 21
Member
2389 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I’d give him a choice about the cleaning – he can do it, or you can hire a cleaner once a week.  Let him make the choice.

Post # 22
Member
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Sounds like you need to figure out together a better schedule that will make you both happy. You have both been telling each other your hobbies of guitar and reading are “too much,” but haven’t actually figured out how many hrs per week you’d be happy with. <br /><br />Your schedule should include:

parents and kids together

chore time

grown-up hobby time (individual hobbies, can be at the same time)

grown-up together time, focusing on conversation or doing something together other than physical

daddy’s time outside the house

mommy’s time outside the house

I see no reason you can’t read a book while he plays guitar, or vice-versa. Those hobbies lend themselves well to being done at the same time, so it should be easy to work something out. Many people find it difficult to do the “undivided attention conversation” thing, and prefer to talk while their hands are occupied. If he is using the guitar to avoid conversation, it’s a problem, but if he messes with the guitar while you have conversations, he’s not necessarily avoiding you.

A musician needs to play every day to stay in practice, but not several hours a day, and shouldn’t be going out with friends all night multiple nights a week. I know musicians who have kids, and they had jam sessions at each other’s houses, while the kids were doing other stuff, or were even playing along too. 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by  HBanan.
Post # 23
Member
866 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Mrslovebug:  in a committed relationship, while you shouldn’t take the things your partner does for granted, both partners really should be considerate, caring, sweet. Otherwise you’re not in a very healthy or loving relationship. This kind of behavior should come easily because when you’re with someone you love, you want tht person to feel good and loved. So again while I do believe it’s important not to take things for granted, I also don’t think you should give him credit for “once upon a time” having been so sweet with you. Yes family life is stressful at times and sure there will be less time for romance and such, but there should always be enough time to listen to your partner when he tells you something that is important to him/her and there should always be enough time for at least the little things that count to show each other you still care. 

it seems that currently you’re the only one showing him you care and he doesn’t appreciate it at all. 

I don’t blame you for wanting to show him. After all, that’s what we do when we love someone. So don’t beat yourself up over this. I’m just saying that as it’s becoming obvious he doesn’t appreciate what you do and he doesnt seem to understand his lack of involvement in this relationship an family is hurtful, you’ll just have to come to realize that if you don’t want to be his door mat, you’ll have to start respecting yourself and hopefully you can work on your issues and he’ll see that he will also have to respect you.

 

I’m not sure whether your husband doesn’t care or is too “stupid” to be able to see clearly. Or maybe he has issues him selves that hinder him to be understandin of you and so it’s easier to just blame it on your hormones or to think that soon things will be sifferent anyways and things will just sort themselves. However that’s not going to happen, things are just going to get worse if a newborn is added into the equation. 

So reardleas if counselling which I think is a good step into the right direction, could you confide in someone that would be able to speak with him? Like a neutral third party that is closer than a therapist so he would be more open to his arguments? Like a friend of his that has kids himself and understands (and whom you know to help his wife etc)? Or his parents? 

Post # 24
Member
2457 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I have a brother with ADHD and I will tell you right now, you are allowing it to be a huge excuse for everything. ADHD does not excuse his behavior at all, and is not a cause for it. It may make his decision making harder, but his shitty behavior is his own. Stop letting his disorder get him out if being in trouble. It’s true that people with ADHD tend to enjoy their own hobbies more than anything else, but he married you and impregnated you – you should be higher on that list now than music.

He sounds like he has basically checked out. He needs someone to tell him like it is, because he literally does not care at this point. You let him get away with it so he thinks it’s all okay. Perhaps a third party will shed some light for him, but I don’t know. Right now, it sounds like doesn’t want his family to be his priority.

Post # 25
Member
628 posts
Busy bee

Mrslovebug:  Of course. I wasn’t suggesting to have a hissy fit but to show him (rather than tell him) how he’s making you feel. Telling him didn’t work so maybe something more drastic will. Also, to learn that you also have a serious health concern and that you’d go so far as to describe him already being “bored’ by your newborn who hasn’t even arrived is quite alarming to me. 

My man isn’t perfect either. Sometimes he doesn’t pay attention, forgets to pick up a mess he made, or does something that I think is crazy. However, he never flat out ignores me when I’m trying to have a discussion with him nor would he ever risk my health. I don’t think the behaviour you’re describing is “normal” and I do hope that a professional can help. 

At this point, I’d even suggest individual therapy if he refuses to go because you need to some options from a qualified professional. I can’t imagine how hard life will be if you have to do all you’re already doing + take care of a newborn with the same level of support your husband seems willing to provide. It isn’t right and I’m actually outraged on your behalf. 

Stop defending him and start defending you. Everyone has positive and negative traits but when the bad is outweighing the good, something needs to be done. 

Post # 26
Member
831 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: Either Philadelphia City Hall or a small chapel.

I can understand if it’s during the week when nothing’s going on (His plans with you are limited right now in your state.), but, do see an issue where he actually wants to break away from his family during events that are supposed to be special. That to me signifies there may be something deeper than just following his passions. I’d talk it out with him more as calmly as possible before seeking outside help. 

Post # 28
Member
519 posts
Busy bee

So after reading this to my boyfriend, he wanted to respond. Here he is. Eat your hearts out, ladies. 🙂

Sounds like your husband is a royal douchecanoe. He’s absolutely entitled to have hobbies, wants, and desires, but when you already have a kid together and another’s on the way, it’s time to man the hell up and make family #1.

Your husband would get along with Forest Gump, because the same quote applies to both of them: “I’m not a very smart man”. When you’re about to pop at 30-some weeks and you already have a kid to take care of, there are no correct responses to any situation besides:

1. “You’re right”

2. “What can I do for you?”

3. “Do you need anything while I’m out?”

You’re about to pop out A GODDAMNED HUMAN BEING and he’s most concerned with getting to jam with his bros? If you want to beat him senseless, I’ll help you come up with a good alibi. Just sayin’. 

Tell him it’s time to put up or shut up. Family comes first, and that’s it. There is no alternative, there is no excuse, no bullshit like that. He needs to choose you and your family.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by  ChicoryCreek.
Post # 29
Member
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

If your hubby truly has ADHD (it’s massively overdiagnosed), then he probably needs medication. The impulsivity and immaturity sounds spot-on for ADHD, and for many adults who have it, trying to control their behavior and focus without meds is a lost cause. Have you talked to him about meds and about how he needs to be more engaged with you? If he’s resistant to taking them, it may help to remind him that his guitar playing and work will probably improve as well if he is better able to focus. I know many adults with ADHD who mean the best and kick themselves for the insensitive things they do when they are overrun by their impulses.

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