Advice Needed! Multiple divorces

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Would you date a man who has been divorced more than once?

    Yes

    No

    Maybe

  • Post # 2
    Member
    4201 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 2019 - Canada

    I would not have an issue dating a man with this kind of history. As a younger divorced woman, I was concerned about guys writting me off because I was divorced and thankfully it only happened once or twice (that I know of).

    His reasons for divorce sound legit… I would only be concerned if there was a lot of hostility around either of the splits. I know infedility can cause for a very contentious divorce but that needs to be worked through before entering into another serious relationship. It sounds like he’s open to marriage again, I would want to be certain that he’s willing to put the hard work in when things get tough. Aks if he’s willing to do counselling with a spouse to resolve issues. Is he a good communicator, a good fighter and respectful. Would he listen when you have issues you need to discuss something or would he dismiss your feelings? These are all important things to consider. Sometimes people cheat because they’re horribly unahppy and feel very lonely (not saying its justified), but sometimes people cheat because they are shitty people. Was there issues in the 2nd marriage that they refused to address?  Were they miserable and didnt do anything about it? If she just up and cheated because she’s a crappy person, I would not be bothered by his history. 

    Post # 3
    Member
    232 posts
    Helper bee

    I wouldn’t have a problem dating a man with that history. When you first said 2 divorces I was thinking no way but one at 18 and then having a wife cheat on him and leave him is understandable. 

    I have a friend that got married at 18 (her family was very religous, Mormom, so they pretty much had to get married or break up). She actually ended up cheating on him and leaving him a few years later. He will talk openly about it and say that looking back they were so young it wasn’t as serious of a relationship as he had with other girlfriends in his 20s. At 18 I may have been dumb enough to marry my HS sweetheart if he had asked and I most of the time forget we even dated.

     

    Post # 4
    Member
    99 posts
    Worker bee

    My dad is on his 4th wife…and normally I would think that is honestly repulsive. BUT my dad is an amazing man. His first wife cheated on him after only 5 months into their marriage. His second wife (my mom) also cheated and was a crazy lady. I mean I love her because she is my mom but she hates kids yet had myself and my twin sisters before the age of 21 which basically made her have a crazy mental breakdown. Neither of them regret their divorce at all since my dad as away at boot camp after they had broken up when she found out she was pregnant and if it weren’t for that, they would have never gotten married. His third wife is an absolutely terrible human being. She was amazing, especially considering she was a step mom of 3 girls. But when she had her own children with my dad, she realized she didn’t love us like her own daughter. She literally tried to convince my dad to give us up for adoption…and now he is really happy with his fourth wife! He is not without flaws but sometimes a divorce-or multiple divorces-really don’t have any bearing on a man. I would be a little more cautious probably but if there are no red flags, I am truly happy and the man treats me well, I would have no problem marrying a man who had multiple divorces. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    1255 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2019

    I would be willing to consider the circumstances, including what went wrong in the marriages and how I felt about the man.

    Unless he was Ross Geller.  I fucking hate Ross Geller.  He and his multiple divorces can STFU.  All others are worth hearing out.

    I have a friend who’s been divorced twice.  The first time she was bullied into a marriage at 18 by her extremely religious family/community and she had to leave when things got violent.  The second time she married a very sweet man who didn’t come to realize that he was gay until they had been married three years; they’re still good friends.  Her third marriage has lasted ten years so far, resulted in two gorgeous children and endured multiple deployments and is still gloriously happy.  Sometimes you just really do need to find the right person.

    Post # 6
    Member
    1516 posts
    Bumble bee

    Proceeding with caution would be a wise choice because you do not know what kind of baggage and issues he might be carrying over from his previous marriages (not talking about kids).  The only way I would be comfortable with dating a guy with 2 divorces is if he has learned the lessons he needed to and made the changes necessary in learning to be a better marriage partner.  If he tends to write off his past as “mistakes” and rugsweeps the issues that led to their separation, then that would be a serious red flag.  Because this means he hasn’t learned anything about HIS contribution to the relationship breakdown and is not taking any responsibility for his actions/behaviors that led to the divorce. Even if his 2nd wife is the one who ultimately cheated and wanted the divorce, it still takes TWO people to make a relationship work or fall apart and he is not innocent (most people tend to vilify the cheating spouse and the betrayed partner hides behind this to not look at their own stuff that led to this breakdown).

    Post # 7
    Member
    983 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2019

    It would depend on the circumstances of the marriages/divorces. In this case it seems that maybe he is rather quick to marry and that has been his issue? The first time he married way too young, the second time he married someone who wasn’t worthy of him. I would be hesitant to go too fast, you don’t want him to push to get married too soon and then find out later you aren’t as compatible as you thought you were. But I wouldn’t say his divorces are a deal-breaker by any means.

    Post # 8
    Member
    3560 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2016

    You say that divorce is not contagious, but statistically, the more you’ve been married the more likely you are to divorce. 73% of third marriages end in divorce. That’s not to scare you off – it’s only 13% higher than first marriages. But it’s something to keep in mind. The reasons for his divorces matter, and you are right that his check out. But just be cautious, and if you see any signs, like trouble communicating or giving up when there’s conflict, be wary.

    Post # 9
    Member
    11375 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2015

    View original reply
    unsureaboutaguy :  both of his reasons for divorce have nothing to do with him. This is where the alarm bells would go off for me. You would want someone who understands how they contributed to the divorce, even if by picking the wrong person.

     

    Post # 10
    Member
    3080 posts
    Sugar bee

    Based on what you’ve said, I think it’s fine to move forward. But I’d also be careful. As things progress, ask more questions, talk to his family and friends about it. Make sure he’s giving you all the information. People always paint themselves in the best light after a breakup, not just divorce. Talk to people that were around him during those times to get a picture of both sides of the story.

    Post # 11
    Member
    8381 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    I would just move slowly. The friends I know with multiple divorces are ones who are fall hard and fast, and jump in quickly. Take your time and go in with eyes open. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    2779 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    I wouldn’t date a man who was divorced, and I certainly wouldn’t date a man who was divorced twice. However, I recognize that’s my own personal hang up. I would have jealously issues, knowing I wasn’t the first wife to my husband. I also would not be okay with the reason for his first divorce. I know that 18 is young, but I find it concerning that he married someone and then “grew out of the relationship.” To me marriage is a forever commitment; I don’t take it lightly. Maybe he’s changed, but at one point it seems he didn’t view marriage as something permanent. It just gives the idea (whether or not it’s true) that he doesnt’ see marriage as permanent, especially the fact that he’s already open to the idea of marriage in the future. From my experience, people who have been divorced more than once are more likely to get divorced again. The second divorce is something I find more understandable, as it was out of his control.

    I think it’s a personal thing. If you, personally, don’t have issues dating a man who’s been divorced twice, then go for it.

    Post # 13
    Member
    746 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    unsureaboutaguy : I think that your concerns are valid, but the reasons that he gave you for his marriages ending make sense to me as well. I have done a lot of personal research on divorce and divorce statistics, and although statistics can’t predict the outcome of any one relationship I think that they are worth looking into.

    My advice would be to continue to take things slowly. I’m not sure what your thoughts are regarding timeline and that sort of thing, but the more you can get to know each other before you decide to make a big commitment like getting married, the better. I would suggest getting to know him for 2-3 years before engagement, if possible. Get to know him very well, make sure that you have faced various challenges together (there will inevitably be challenges that come up), and that your eventual marriage (assuming you guys marry) is an intentional one that has a strong base of committment.

    I would also, over time, want to know more information about his previous marriages and why they didn’t work out. It sounds like he made a bad decision when he was young and that he may have had bad luck in picking his second wife (or maybe there were other issues there), so I would want to know as much as I could over time about this. Also get to know his views on counseling/couple’s counseling and really watch how he handles conflict and difficulties over time.

    View original reply
    lovelyruby : You think that 60% of first marriages end in divorce? Where are you getting this information from? It’s totally inacurrate. Do you mean those statistics that float around that say that 41% first time marriages will end in divorce, 60% of second time marriages will end in divorce, and 73% third time marriages will end in divorce? Those are numbers I have seen, although I will say that those statistics aren’t without problems.

    Personally, I have only researched that touted “statistic” of ~40-50% of first time marriages ending in divorce. My understanding of divorce rates for first time marriages is that they peaked at somewhere around 40% in the 80s and have been declining since. And that other factors (such as being college educated, waiting to get married until your mid-20s, higher income, etc.) will drive the statistical probability of divorce down even farther. In lieu of making a long post and derailing the thread, I will say that basically my findings regarding statistics have been similar to what this retired psychologist found:

    https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-myth-of-the-high-rate-of-divorce/?all=1

    View original reply
    knotyet :  I’m not trying to change your view, but I do think that marrying young and “growing out of a relationship” makes sense. People change so much from 18 to ~22, especially if they go to college and this is their first time living on their own. Or if he married due to family pressure or religious reasons. My husband grew up in a very conservative/religious area, and a lot of people in his area marry their high school sweetheart very young and seem to rush into that decsion. For many of them, it’s a bad decision.

    I agree with you that the marriage committment should be permanent and that people should do everything they reasonably can to keep the marriage together, but that they shouldn’t be totally miserable for the rest of their lives if things don’t seem to work despite the people’s best efforts. Sometimes people just make poor decisions. I guess this is why I would like to know what exactly went on in the first marriage and why they drifted apart.

    I also wouldn’t count the idea of marriage in the future against this guy…he is single now, why shouldn’t he be open to the idea of marriage in the future if he found the right woman? That’s how I read that anyway… that due to his history OP asked him if he would ever consider getting married again if he found the right person and he said yes. Some people never want to get married again after divorce, so my friends who have dated divorced people have made sure to ask this as a general question when they are getting to know each other. I don’t think that OP was saying that this guy wants to get married to her now. It seems like they have only been dating for a few months. I could be wrong, of course, but that’s how I read that.

    Post # 14
    Member
    3560 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2016

    View original reply
    anabee323 :  That was a typo, sorry. The divorce rate for 3rd marriages is 23-33% higher than first marriages. I accidentally wrote 13 instead of 23.

    And no, I’m not using myths as resources. It’s pretty common knowledge in family research that subsequent marriages have a very high failure rate.

     http://www.divorcestatistics.info/divorce-statistics-and-divorce-rate-in-the-usa.html

    Post # 15
    Member
    746 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    lovelyruby :  I’m not saying that subsequent marriages don’t have a higher failure rate than first time marriages. What I am saying is that in researching divorce statistics I have personally found that the way that these are presented to laypeople problematic and potentially hyperbolic, and that there are many factors that play a role in someone’s likelihood of getting divorced rather than just one blanket number.

    Again, I don’t want to derail OP’s thread, but this is definitely an interesting topic to discuss.

    Leave a comment


    Find Amazing Vendors