Post # 1
I realize this is my first post but I deliberately searched wedding forums with an emotional section so I can vent and seek advice.
My fiance is a wonderful man. Loving, supportive, funny, hard worker and treats me like a princess. He’s been married before. Recently, the ex sent my fiance a text. I know becuase we were together at the time and he immediately showed it to me. It said “Please don’t marry Melody. I still love you.”
He quickly deleted the text and shook his head and told me he loved me and kissed me and we went on with our night.
I won’t lie to you. I was not ok with it. I was thinking about it the rest of the night. The next day, while my fiance was in the shower. I took his cell and texted the ex. “I’m sorry but I love Melody, always will. If you text again, I will not answer. Take care.”
I don’t know why I did this except to say it did make me feel better. I never want anyone to come between my fiance and I. Ever.
My fiance and I went on with our day and were having a very good day. I couldn’t predict what happened next. The ex texted back. I don’t know why I was so stupid and not realize that this was a possibility. The look my fiance gave me when he read the text said it all. He knew I violated his privacy. Later I found out that the ex replied “whatever you want, John, have a good life with her”.
My fiance struck me. Across the face and demanded to know why I would do that. Didn’t I trust him? Didn’t our love mean anything to him? I asked him to strike me again and he did and I said “I hope you can forgive me now”.
He didn’t reply. Stormed out and hasn’t spoken to me since. This was a week ago.
I am not writing to hear things like “he shouldn’t have struck you”. Because I already know that but I did deserve it.
I’m writing to find out how to get him back. Someone please help.
Post # 3
@FutureMrsHaggarty: You NEVER deserve to be hit.
Physical abuse is never ok and never deserved.
Yes, you shouldn’t have texted his ex back, but that doesn’t mean there is an excuse for him to hit you.
If he’s hit you once, things will only get worse from here. An explosive outburst like that is very scary and the fact that he could not control his anger towards you shows that he is dangerous.
Do not try to get him back please. By doing so you are only telling him that hitting you is an appropriate response to anger and setting yourself up to be hit again.
Run far away, you do not want to marry a man who hits you.
Post # 4
@KatNYC2011: Thank you so much for writing and taking the time to read.
Like I said, I am not here to hear that hitting is wrong.
Post # 5
I don’t think the community here supports physical/verbal/mental abuse so I really don’t believe that anyone here will give you advice on getting him back.
Post # 6
@FutureMrsHaggarty: I think you’re going to hear a lot of that and I’m not sure you’re going to get a lot of advice on how to get back an abusive man.
Post # 7
1) No matter what you did, a guy NEVER has the right to hit a girl, NEVER. So don’t think you deserved it because you didn’t
2) You weren’t really violating his privacy because he showed you the initial text anyway. That txt just didn’t sit well with you so you txted her back. It’s not like you snooped around and read all of his other txt mesages…I think.
3) Give him time to cool off. He is really mad and needs to just unwind for a while. I’m sure he will come around and when he does, or you can make the first move, tell him how it has nothing to do with him, but the message just didn’t set well with you and you wanted to let her know that. But on second thought, If it were me in your situation, as much as you don’t want to hear this and as much as I probably wouldn’t listen to it myself if someone told me, I would have to think twice about being with a guy who was going to hit me when he got mad, even if he was furious and I thought i deserved it. I hope things get better for you, I really do.
Post # 8
@FutureMrsHaggarty: Unfortunately you cannot dictate the responses you get.
I would suggest you go see a therapist about what happened. Talk everything through, figure out why you think it is ok for you to be hit and then decide if he’s worth trying to get back.
If you do really want to get him back, I’d make sure he goes to anger management classes to ensure this never happens again.
Post # 9
@KatNYC2011: I am a therapist. Ironic, isn’t it? I’m the one who told him to get a punching bag and use it to release anger and aggression after a bad day. He has used it.
Post # 10
@FutureMrsHaggarty: Not terribly ironic. I don’t believe therapists have many tips for getting back abusive men, you really are in a pickle!
Post # 11
@.twist.: Is it really abuse if the victim dosen’t consider it so?
Post # 12
@FutureMrsHaggarty: You are going to hear repeatedly on this site to run far far away from this man. This is a very loving and supportive community and we don’t want to see you abused. I am sorry but I have to say I am praying you don’t get back with this man. Up until this point you only saw the good side of him. If you marry him you will see that other side that popped out more and more frequently. You dodged a bullet girl….definitely something to be thankful for! I know you don’t want to see this and you have said that you don’t want to hear this but this man is not a good choice! Please! I say this because I have been there and it was hell and it cost me my unborn son. If only I had known what you know now I would never have married my ex. Stay away from him for your sake and your future kids sakes.
Post # 13
@FutureMrsHaggarty: I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but I’m disturbed that you say you deserved to be hit AND that you asked him to hit you again and he did it. His hitting you is not a functional response to your betrayal of his trust, and you asking him to hit you and him doing it…well, that’s just dysfunctional on a whole other level.
Honestly, with your obvious trust issues and his anger issues, I would say you’re probably better off apart. Maybe both of you should get some individual counseling before trying to resume a relationship. If he’s unwilling to do so, then I wouldn’t try to get him back at all.
Post # 14
@FutureMrsHaggarty: If you didn’t think of it that way, you wouldn’t call yourself a victim.
Just because someone doesn’t understand/realise/know the definition of abuse, doesn’t equal them not being abused.
Post # 15
@FutureMrsHaggarty: Yes, it is still abuse. He hit you, and that’s NEVER okay.
ETA: This is not meant to be snarky, but seriously–as a therapist, you should know that it’s never okay to hit someone, and that it’s still abuse even if the victim doesn’t consider it abuse.
Post # 16
@FutureMrsHaggarty: Yes, it is still abuse even if the victim doesn’t consider it so. That line of reasoning can be used with other therapeutic issues, like anxiety, but not in abusive situations where the victim is being struck across the face as retribution for an action.
And yeah, don’t think you’ll get a lot of tips for finding such a man.