- 6 years ago
- Wedding: June 2012
Hi Bees. I wasnt sure where to post this, because it combines multiple topics, but I figured the intimacy board would be the best because its all tangled up in that. Before I go into things, I kinda have to break stuff down.
I am an only child and was raised by my mother and my grandmother. They were always very critical of me growing up. Always had to get good grades, be top student, and apparently always needed to lose weight. I was never a heavy child, but not a very active one either (due to asthma and allergies growing up). I have big self confidence issues in every aspect of my life due to all this. Oddly enough I am in the process of getting my MD, but for whatever reason think I am the stupidest person in the world.
I have been with my guy off and on for ~10 years and we finally tied the knot a month ago. He thinks I am the most beautiful girl in the world and tells me so, many times a day. One problem though. We are also in a LDR. My school is in a diff state than his work.
On top of it all, he is a very sexual person while I am not. I do try to dress sexy for him (lingerie, heels, sexy clothes) the whole schebang. He watches porn and downloads sexy pictures of women, which all makes me feel uncomfortable, because I end up comparing myself to them. I think they all have bigger boobs than me (he says no), skinnier, better looking etc. I feel ugly and misreable when I know he looks at porn. I have not asked him to stop, because it is not fair to him. He has to find some way to get stimulated. I have sent him pictures, but when things get stressfull of my end, it just doesnt happen. (Granted when I do send him pictures of me, he admits that he focuses on those and doesnt look at any others). I used to be sexual in the beginning of our relationship, but its just died down. I’m 28, my sex drive shouldnt be this low!
I am in therapy for my anxiety and self confidence issues (which affect my testing skills), and we want to do couples counseling to try to work together to solve my issues, but its hard to in a LDR.
I need advice. I dont know what to do. I feel like my insecurities of him looking at porn, coupled with the fact that we are in the LDR and my lack of sex drive due to anxiety make things worse. I have this fear that our marriage will go down in flames, as much as he reassures me it wont. I keep thinking of some sexual things I dont feel comfortable doing (like anal) but keep thinking about his previous partners that have done it with him.
I should also add, that he and my therapist both think I have pent up sexual urges that for some reason I cant seem to let go and do.
How do you stop being self concious when it comes to porn?
What can I do to spruce up my sex drive?
Crazy jealousy issues and how to get rid of?
I know its alot and I feel like I’m at my wits end and will just keep causing problems unwittingly unless I talk to people about it.
Thank you for taking the time to read my long a** post.