(Closed) Advice needed, not sure how to go about things. (long)

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
1733 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Glad you’re in counseling for some of these issues! Taking the first step to work on these issues proactively is really hard, and you’re a brave person to do it.

Just a few thoughts:

1. Porn is not about you. Porn chicks doing their porn chick thing are essentially two-dimensional masturbation wallpaper; whereas he loves and married you. (Naturally, if he’s ADDICTED to or obsessed with porn or watching stuff that you find really offensive or weird…then that’s another issue. But him thinking about other sexy ladies does not mean that you are not a sexy lady.)

2. Are you on hormonal birth control? Your contraception cocktail may be messing with your sex drive, in addition to your anxiety issues.

3. Not that you should ever feel forced to try sexual acts that you’re not into — but the nice thing about being married and in a relationship with someone you can communicate with and who listens to you is that you can experiment freely! If you don’t like the new sex thing you’re trying, you can stop in the middle or just decide that it wasn’t good for you. It’s not like trying it once means it’s on the table forever, in the same way that being culinarily adventurous (“hey! let’s try that new Ethiopian place that just opened up!”) means that you have to eat that food ALL THE TIME.

4. This whole post is about your husband’s sexual needs and urges. What do you like sexually? What turns you on? Makes you feel wanted/loved/desired/empowered? This is essential “homework” for you to do in order to be an equal, enthusiastic sexual partner to your husband. And the good thing is that it’s something you can do without him around! Explore around a little (romantic/erotica, mainstream and non-mainstream films, meditation, your own experiences) to find out what gets you in the mood physically and mentally. And remember, no shame — you’re working on the foundation of your marriage, which is a responsible adult thing to do!


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