(Closed) Advice needed: Offensive comment from FFIL

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
3162 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Hmm well I can obviously see why you are upset – my Fiance is Jewish and my parents and I aren’t and if they ever said something like that I would flip. That being said, you said it yourself – he’s just ignorant and doesn’t admit when he is wrong. Not that it’s an excuse for a comment like that, but it wasn’t meant as a personal offense to you. As much as it sucks, I’d just let it alone. From what you’ve said about Future Father-In-Law, I think you simply aren’t going to get the apology or the change in attitude that you want out of him. It’s a shame that ignorance like that still exists, but really there is very little you can do about it. Sorry you’re dealing with this!

Post # 4
624 posts
Busy bee

If he really is as bullheaded as you say he is, I wouldn’t dig for an apology.  I think you would be waiting forever on one so I vote, move on.  I woudn’t bring up the past either but call him on it in the future.  I understand wanting an apology but I’ve learned that it is best to move on and put your energy into something positive in these types of situation and people.

I’ve never understood the word “Jew” in reference to your FFIL’s “joke”.  Even if I heard the reasoning, I still wouldn’t approve of it.  These types of words are prevelant with the old guys in my family.

Post # 5
4765 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas

I wouldn’t say anything if I were you. Yes, his comment was very offensive, but he probably didn’t mean for it to be that way. From what you’ve said, it sounds like saying something to him would only cause drama, and it might be easier to just let it go.

Now, he continues to make anti-semitic comments and it’s not a one-time thing, then I would probably say something.

Post # 6
7174 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I wouldn’t say anything to him.  He’s not going to understand why it’s offensive (because he doesn’t see it as such).

What I would do – is go do something SOOO nice for your Fiance, because he stood up for you and understands how wrong his dad was.  

Your Fiance did the talking on your behalf (as he should have, in this circumstance).  From what you’ve said, it sounds like he made it perfectly clear how inappropriate his comment was.

For you to bring it up would be wagering an unnecessary war.  You aren’t going to change his Future Father-In-Law – but, hopefully, through the conversation he already had with his son, he’s going to be more aware of what comes out of his mouth.

And, obviously, if Future Father-In-Law says anything offensive during your visit – by all means, let him have it!!

Post # 7
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

I am sorry, but I wouldn’t say anything. I am of the mindset that he didn’t mean anything by it. It is an old expression and is not politically correct anymore. From what you wrote, “I’m sorry you got offended by what I said”, to me that is an apology. I am sure he felt bad about it, and I am sure he will be thinking about it when he sees you. I am also sure that he won’t ever say it again; at least in front of you or your Fiance. There are a lot of old sayings that are not politically correct anymore, and if he is from a generation that used those expressions, then it is habit for him to use them and he doesn’t mean anything bad by them. I can remember when being Gay meant that you were happy. Now it is not politically correct to say that anymore, unless you are referencing you own sexual preference. I know I have said things that are not politically correct without even knowing that they weren’t politically correct anymore. I, for one, can’t keep them all straight. I am sorry this bothers you so much, but please don’t take it to heart. I am positive he didn’t mean anything derogatory to you or anyone else by using that expression.

Post # 8
636 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

That’s a tough one…  My husband is originally from the midwest and while he doesn’t speak that way, I have heard a lot of his friends and family say things like that and it literally shocks me every time.  I asked him about it when we were first dating and he said that until he moved to the east coast he really never thought about it and the meaning behind some of these ‘sayings’ and phrases.  If the Future Father-In-Law is an otherwise nice and caring person, he probably just hasn’t really thought about how absolutely offensive that phrase is because it is commonly said in his circle.  I think you will feel better if you say something, but if it were me I would actually write out what I want to say beforehand and then kind of memorize it and say it to Future Father-In-Law.  Try and explain what the implications of the phrase are and why it specifically hurts you and your family.  The only thing is that it might get your Fiance in a bit of hot water for telling you about it.  Maybe Fiance would feel comfortable telling your Future Father-In-Law how you feel?

Post # 9
1732 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m not sure I would bring it up, especuially so after the fact.  If he makes a comment like that again, then definitely.  I think saying something would stir up serious drama.


Post # 10
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

this is NOT ok.  BUT the most important thing is fiance realized this and immediately said something about how it was unacceptable- you can’t fix his parents, but be happy that you have a keeper =)

Post # 11
3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I think bringing it up…especially with time lapsed in between wont do anyone any good.

I think this has been blown from a mole hill to a mountain and I am sure since your FH put his foot down about it when  his dad mentioned it  he probably (hopefully) felt akward and would never repeat it again.

Your feelins were on the line though and that is really upsetting, if moving past it means you have to talk to him then maybe you should do it. I personally dont think it would be a good move.

Post # 12
3041 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I wouldn’t bring it up. You weren’t there & maybe you were never meant to know. Thou I agree what he said was very rude, it sounds like bringing it up will just cause an arguement & if you say anything, it won’t really get you anywhere. I mean, he apologized – sorta – to your Fiance. Also, if you show it bothered you, its just giving him satisfaction. What were you thinking about saying to him?

Post # 13
3125 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

If he said it once and your Fiance talked to him about it and though doesn’t expressly apologizes, learns something? Then he was ignorant, but learned something or thought about something differently and I think you should let it go. However, if he heard this heartfelt argument, and continues to say anti-semetic things, it’d be an issue. That’s not ignorance, that’s being hateful. I hope that he’s just hard headed and quietly reforms his way..

Post # 14
1418 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I know lots of people say things like that that are very much offensive, even if the person saying it didn’t mean it in that way at all.  I am sure I have even said things at times, that in retrospect, I wish I wouldn’t have.  Unfortunately, our society has let it become this way.  I think as we as a tolerant society striving for equality among all races/religions/gender/etc. that we need to become more aware of these things and not let them go.  If people don’t say anything, these comments continue and that is not ok.

In your situation, I think it would be a bit odd to bring it up because it did happen quite a while ago now.  However, you seem to be very bothered by this and that should be addressed.  I would be more likely to not say anything at this time, BUT the next time any type of remark (whether it is using “Jew” inappropriately again or even another discriminatory remark) is mentioned, I would definitely say something.  Your Fiance sounds like he would be behind you 100% on this.  Let your Future Father-In-Law know that these comments are unacceptable to you.

Post # 15
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I totally understand that you are offended, and I would be too.  But I don’t think you will get anywhere by confronting him about it or asking for an apology. 

Post # 16
2821 posts
Sugar bee

It sounds like your Fiance handled it well and I’d leave it at that.  Like you said, you dont’ think the dad meant anything by it and he’ll probably think before he says something like it again.

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