(Closed) Advice needed on FSIL and kids at my wedding

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 47
730 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

As someone who is having a child free wedding and REALLY would not want kinds at my wedding…even I would let her bring the infant.  Perhaps the other kids could stay with the sitter?

As long as the Future Sister-In-Law knows to take the baby out of the room when the ceremony starts or if it starts to fuss what is the problem?

I think you’re going to regret this decision as of all the tension it will cause and how bad it makes you look.  It makes you look really selfish and controlling.  Your in-laws might be on your side (or are pretending to be) but I don’t understand that.  Even I think what you’re doing to your Future Sister-In-Law is wrong.

Post # 48
1290 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

You are within your rights to have a child-free wedding.  I would advise not to make exceptions.  You can offer names of sitters, that is it.  I see no need to make an exception for BF moms.  My god, some BF moms go to work, etc.  It is their decision how to handle.  You do bring up a good point, that when asking someone to be in wedding party, that is the time to say, btw, it will be adults only wedding.

Post # 50
1029 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

This is your day,  you absolutely get to have things your way.  Just be careful of what you wish for because you just might get it.    

Is this what you wanted? To fight with your Future Sister-In-Law and Future Brother-In-Law and encourage hurt feelings?  Is this how you want to start your relationship with your in-laws?  Like it or not, Future Sister-In-Law is now your family and she (and presumably your new nephews/nieces) won’t be in the pictures.  Also, how is Future Brother-In-Law supposed to answer the question when people ask where his wife and kids are?  How does your Fiance feel about his newphew/niece won’t be there?  Your Future Sister-In-Law doesn’t sound easy to deal with, but is this really some sort of victory for you?           

Post # 51
1290 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

You will never make some people happy.  If you give in to Future Sister-In-Law, others will ask, why not our kids.  Make your rules, be polite, and move along. 

Post # 52
6586 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

It is your right to have a child free wedding and it is her right to care for her children in the manner she chooses. Neither side should be mad at the other. Move on- if you can- but u think some relationships have already been damaged.

Post # 53
1875 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Sorry OP, but kids trump weddings EVERY time.  As parents, they have to do what is best for their kids – no ifs, ands, or buts about it.  The kids will ALWAYS come first.  It doesn’t mean the parents to love you or support you, it just means you are not their top priority.  Now some parents wouldn’t mind leaving their infant for a few hours with a stranger, but others (and probably most) would not be comfortable with it.  It is not for you to decide or judge.

No one is saying you are a bad person for having a child-free wedding.  You are well within your rights to do so.  However, guests also well within their rights to decline your invitation.  And if they do so, it is wrong to hold that decision against them.

I think you need to cut your Future Sister-In-Law some slack.  Maybe she is complaining, but she’s probably bummed that she can’t make it.

Post # 55
1311 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@LadyMrsLady:  Ok, here goes:

I can understand her side of things – and no, I am not a mom. It’s an important event in your lives and the lives of your ILs and I think it’s only natural that she would want to take part.

I also understand you and your FI’s side as well. It’s an expensive event to hold and you should be able to hold the type of wedding that you want.

That said, I think there needs to be understanding on both sides. She needs to understand that this wasn’t a personal slight (and I’m assuming here that it wasn’t) and that you guys did what you could to accomodate their situation. You, on the other hand, need to be more understanding that things are not always as easy as they appear. As many PPs pointed out: not all babies will eat formula, many parents are unwilling to allow a stranger watch their child alone without approving of them ahead of time, and some kids simply can’t tolerate being watched by strangers.

So, what can you (personally) do moving forward?

1. I would start by not referring to your FBIL’s kids as brats – even on this forum. Depending on the amount of personal information someone posts on here, it could be relatively easy for someone to figure out who the poster is. Not only that, but it’s possible that even using the term a little online could cause you to slip up and refer to them that way in person. . . which definitely won’t do any good.

2. At some point, I would recommend one of you reach out to Future Sister-In-Law and apologize for any confusion or hurt feelings. I know that you don’t feel like you need to apologize and you have done what you feel you can to help solve the problem. . . but they are going to be your family soon. You are stuck with them for the rest of your lives. Apologizing shows that you both care about their family and that you want to have a relationship with them.

3. If you don’t want to apologize, then I would at least reach out at some point to discuss what happened or to try and resume a more normal familial relationship.

4. Enjoy your wedding.

And just out of curiousity, how did you feel about Future Sister-In-Law before you guys got engaged? I know you said you only met her once, but did you like her? Was she nice? Did she seem friendly? I ask because weddings heighten people’s emotions and make anyone, even the most reasonable person around, act unreasonably. That goes for guests and the couple getting married. . . and I’m curious whether the wedding planning is coloring the way you see her and the kids or the way she views you and Fiance.

Post # 56
2670 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

@LadyMrsLady:  If you come off in real life, the way you do here…good luck.

Post # 57
1946 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@LadyMrsLady:  I think you’re starting your marriage off really badly by pissing off your sister-in-law.  Who does that?  But if your Pretty Princess Day is more important than the family you’ll have for the rest of your life, then go for it.  You’re the one (well, you and your husband) who’ll have to deal with the fallout.

Post # 59
636 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Good luck marrying into this family, then. If tension and resentment are what you want for Christmas, then you’re in luck! We cut our guest list at first cousins, so that means a lot of FI’s cousins won’t come because its Out of Town and they have kids. It’s no skin off my back and I’m sure it isnt off theirs, but if we didnt include our niece, I wouldn’t ever be able to look Future Sister-In-Law and  FBIL in the eye ever again. This is one day (no really, it is) over the rest of your married life. Choose wisely and dont underestimate the influence of a man’s family over him. This WILL bite you in the ass. 

Post # 60
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - Latitude 41

@LadyMrsLady:  That’s sad.  How does your SO feel about his sister not attending his wedding?  I mean, it’s his sister. Not his long lost cousin.  I agree about the no-kid wedding.  I want one too (and me and my SO HAVE a 10 year old son).  One of our neices and one nephew will be the ring bearer and flower girl.  The flower girls sister and ring-bearers brother were not invited initially.  THEN there was a falling out.  How could we invite one of the neices but not her sister?  And one of the nephews but not his brother? 

I get it. You don’t want screaming kids or anything but since it’s just two, I bet they will hardly be noticable and ridiculously outnumbered.  We ended up letting all four of the kids (5 including our own,  obviously) come to wedding.  We are just having them exit around 9:00 so the last two hours can be spent kid-free.  Can you do this?  Let the Future Sister-In-Law bring her children but ask that they leave at an earlier hour?  She will probably want to leave with them anyway as they will be tired early considering their age.

It’s really not worth it in the end.  The kids will not ruin your wedding. I promise.  You will still marry the man of your dreams, be surrounded by people who love you and get to wear a kick-butt dress.  The kids may scream a little here or there…but Uncle John may also get drunk and puke on the dance floor. 

Since it’s only two kids, I would say just let them come.  Again, this is your SO’s SISTER.  All members of the immediate family should be there. I would think it would feel like something was missing if they were not.

Post # 61
554 posts
Busy bee

Yikes. Previous posters have said it 10x better than I ever could. The damage has already been done, so anything you were to change or do now wouldn’t really matter–feelings have been hurt and this is bad enough that this (I promise you) will affect your relationship with his family in the long run. 

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