(Closed) Advice needed on situation involving inlaws and our baby. Please?

posted 5 years ago in Parenting
Post # 2
Member
362 posts
Helper bee

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taKtical525:  No, no, no, no, NO. 

You are the parents and YOU make the rules. If they’re being more of hinderance than a help and putting said baby’s PHYSICAL SAFETY AT RISK, then frankly ‘eff them and they will be welcome in your home only when they can behave themselves. Period.

If they don’t respect you as the parents now, it’s only going to get worse as the child gets older. It’s a tough line to draw, but it needs to be your way or the highway, especially where Grandma taking the baby FROM YOUR arms is involved.

I would have lost my sh*t.

Post # 3
Member
302 posts
Helper bee

Your husband needs to set clear boundaries with his family, and also calmly communicate any reasonable feelings you haveand ensure they understand your point of view. It is not insane that you don’t want to cater to them and his grandmother every weekend. And if they continue to make drama over this then not speaking to him or you is honestly the best thing. I could see them being upset if you deliberately didn’t include them on baby related celebrations or milestones, but they need to realize they are NOT the center of your husbands life anymore and they could stand to be more accomodating to your changing life. My mother in law is veryyyyy similar and I totally understand how you feel. I have realized I need to just let her throw her tantrums. I will continue to be the bigger person and include her in our lives but will not indulge in her inability to cope with her son growing up. 

Post # 4
Member
73 posts
Worker bee

Boundries boundries boundaries ..cannot say it enough. Set them early and set them NOW. Theyll be butt hurt for a few but they’ll get over it.

My motto : If you weren’t there, didn’t help make the baby then you have no say. 

This would be the perfect time to tap into mama bear. I’d be damned if someone took my son off my arms…pfttt. The nerve. 

Post # 5
Member
2425 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

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taKtical525:  This is what I would do. I would limit my contact with them and only see them on special holidays like birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and that is it. 

I don’t know how you could have kept your cool when she took your baby out of your arms. I would have kicked her out of my house and refused to let her near my child ever again until she learns boundaries. It is your baby so you make the rules. Your husband family needs to back off. Who cares if they get angry if they don’t get to see the baby every weekend. Your a mom now. You make the rules and if they don’t follow the rules don’t let them anywhere near the baby.

Post # 6
Member
4238 posts
Honey bee

 

“Has anyone else been in a similar situation? What would you do?”

No. Nothing.

Apart from encouraging the hubs to tell his parents what’s what, and what they can expect, and when they are invited to come over to your house to visit you three, I would do almost nothing else.

But I share your frustration and fury about their mistreatment of you and the baby. Hot. Hot. Hot. 

Hang in there, young mama bee.

 

Post # 7
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I am completely baffled at how many people have in laws and parents with such a lack of boundaries. Wow. Your husband needs to have a firm talk with his parents and grandparents to set some boundaries in place. Asap. Awkward as it may be, what they are doing now is not working and is absolutely unacceptable. Perhaps specific dates and times for visits and then ensuring they ask before taking the baby into their arms. And you, as the mother, have the right to cancel or postpone when needed, such as the migraine incident. 

Post # 8
Member
498 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

You need to be a bitch. I’m sorry if thats blunt but it sounds like that is the only way you are going to get some breathing room. You need to get a louder and more firm voice. No one should take that baby from you without YOU letting them. I think its time to be firm (rude and stringent if needed) and set some ground rules regarding your home, your baby, and your privacy. New rules, such as no visitors unless you have invited them, and that you will accept invitations to their home when you are able and willing. 

I had issues with my Future Mother-In-Law snagging my son when he was first born and I simply wouldn’t let her take him from me. Tighten your grip girl. You can do it!

Post # 9
Member
1166 posts
Bumble bee

Definitely set boundaries not just with the baby but Your Home. She had no right to come bursting into your bedroom and demand to hand the baby over. WTF?!!

The bitch in me would have come out and given her what for. I can be sweet as Southern Sweet Tea but don’t fuck with me or my kids!

Post # 10
Member
1056 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

 You should not have to drive out there for them, if they want to the baby they can come to you.

Post # 11
Member
1663 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

You need to find your inner mama bear NOW. Have DH talk with his parents and grandma and set some rules. If they can’t follow them, then they are not welcome to see the baby. 

And when grandma takes YOUR child from your arms, you go and take YOUR child back! 

My Mother-In-Law and DH’s grandma are similar in that they think when they are around, they have priority over who holds dd (when she was younger, she’s 18 months now). At one time we were all out at a memorial thing for DH’s dad, DH’s greatgrandma was holding dd who was 4 months at the time. I was fine with that, she was sitting and I adore great grandma. Well, dd got fussy and in the 5 seconds it took me to get to dd, Mother-In-Law took it upon herself to take dd and walk out of the room. The whole family looked at me like ‘wtf just happened?!’ I got up, followed Mother-In-Law to the hallway and took my baby back. You don’t let anybody just take your child from you! 

Post # 12
Member
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Giiiiirl! If it were me, they really wouldn’t have anything to do with Hildon. Whatever issues ya’ll had before, your hubby & you should’ve nipped those in the bud before the baby came on the scene. Ya’ll need to have a talk with them—everyone needs to be present. Set clear boundaries. That is unacceptable. & that’s selfish of them to want ya’ll to visit every weekend. I’m sure they’re aware of his work schedule. If it were me & they were acting so barbarous, I’d limit visitations to holidays & birthdays IF that. & who are they to come into your home & act that way with YOUR child. You’d better not sit there & let them take your baby like that. You & your husband created her, you carried her & delivered her. They need to sit down somewhere or take their wombs on a last hoorah to have their own baby. Ya’ll need to get them in check asap.

Post # 13
Member
9769 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I wouldn’t see them at all. They aren’t speaking to you? Good. Blackhole any further communication until they can respect your boundaries.

If I absolutely had to be cordial for holidays etc, I would babywear so they couldn’t touch my kid.

Post # 14
Member
2599 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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Mal_Adjusted:  Yup. 

OP–now that you are parents, you are going to have to learn how to establish boundaries. Now, I’m not a fan of never talking to them again unless they’re seriously abusive becuase I think that the needs of a child to know his/her grandparents (again, within reason–unpleasant is one thing; abuse is another; that’s your call) trump the parents’ dislike. But I do think that you need to calmly and rationally explain to your in-laws what’s expected and what’s not.

DO NOT give in to bullying because–like training a dog–what you’re doing is rewarding bad behavior. So if they demand the baby or try to take it, DON’T give them the baby. That doesn’t mean play “keep away;” but it could mean that you discretely but firmly say, “Oh, you know what would really help me? Could you please get the baby blanket/bottle/paci out of the diaper bag?” (or whatever). Or just say, “I think it’s confusing for me and the baby to hand her off so quickly. Please wait until I’m ready to give her to you.” 

In other words, you have to bear the brunt of some unpleasantness if you want things to change. And you have to establish that YOU are Mama and therefore the iron-fisted-rule-imperial when it comes to your daughter, because trust me, it will only get worse once the baby starts growing (“Oh I know you don’t like her to eat ice-cream before dinner, but grandma couldn’t resist!” “Oh, I know you said no video games for her birthday, but grandma couldn’t resist” etc. etc.). Seriously, start practicing your hands-on-hips because you’re gonna need it!

Post # 15
Member
3683 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Anyone who behaved that way would be cut off from seeing my baby.  

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