(Closed) Advice needed on situation involving inlaws and our baby. Please?

posted 5 years ago in Parenting
Post # 16
Member
9022 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

What access does your parents have to their grandchild?

Post # 17
Member
1068 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Either they respect you and your rules or there is no access to the baby. You’re the parents, lay down the law. Wanting to appear ‘nice’ is really not as important as the risk of your baby suffering a major head injury or worse.

Post # 18
Member
927 posts
Busy bee

Some good advice on here so far I think. You say they’re not talking to you two now? Good! You need some space from all this. Make the most of this time without contact with them. Then, when they bust their way back in again, follow the advice PPs have given and set boundaries. 

Post # 19
Member
1445 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

This is just jaw dropping! I really hope that you are exaggerating. Please be exaggerating because…jeez. 

Post # 21
Member
2531 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Everyone talks about “releasing your mamma bear” and just reading this is releasing mine! My daughter is still all cosy in my belly but when she comes out there is absolutely no way anyone is taking her from me without my permission/asking first (a command isn’t asking)…if they did there would be consequences – maybe not straight away. I might get her back first and then lay down the ground rules (child’s safety first) but thats no excuse.

 

for me, it’s more how grandma is behaving rather than your ILs. Yes they’re being annoying about demanding to see the baby all the time but grandma is potentially a danger to the baby and herself. She needs to learn some manners and until she does I wouldn’t let her round. 

Post # 22
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I have a little one and it’s definitely difficult to navigate this territory. For me, when it is concerning my daughter, i try to determine if it is for her betterment or someone else’s betterment. If the request falls in the “someone else’s betterment” category, its not happening, end of story. I don’t even feel guilty.  It’s the parents job to do what’s right for their kid, and it’s nothing personal but I’m just doing my job. 

 

Post # 23
Member
553 posts
Busy bee

I almost think this must be a joke post bc who the hell would put up with even half that shit? In case it is true, first of all why let anyone around your child if she is only 7 weeks old?? Are they all vaccinated? Because she is not fully vaccinated yet. Young babies are susceptible to catching colds, too, not to mention something like whooping cough. We did not let anyone unvaccinated near our daughter for months. More than one pediatrician told us that it is a bad idea to have anyone else come over for like the first 8 weeks, you are recovering and newborns have demanding schedules, many babies do not sleep through the night until a year old, some do at 2 or 3 months old if you are really lucky (like us lol). Furthermore, why would you even have to post about this? Cut them off for a while! They are not helping. Did they congratulate you? Are they supporting you financially at all? Actually, scratch that bc even if the answers are yes, they have insulted you and yes you need to be concerned about the baby, not to mention yourselves. 

Post # 24
Member
1908 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

View original reply
taKtical525: You and your husband need to take some time for YOUR family and have some distance with the in-laws. Your in laws need to understand they are in the wrong here. How awful. Pray on this one: Genesis 2: 23-24.

23The man said,

“This is now bone of my bones

and flesh of my flesh;

she shall be called ‘woman,’

for she was taken out of man.”

24That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

Post # 26
Member
2257 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
taKtical525:  Time to set some boundaries.

  1. Talk to your husband about how weekly hour long trips are just not going to be in the cards for a while, while your child is SO YOUNG. It’s not that you don’t want them to see the baby. Just that it’s unrealistic EVERY WEEK. My Fiance and I go out to his parents every Sunday for dinner, and I discussed with him that when we have a baby, and when we move further out, we’re not driving out there every week. I told him that probably for the first 4 months of our baby’s life, Sunday dinners will stop, or will be sporadic. I won’t want to be taking our baby for an hour long drive anywhere. If the grandparents want to come over to us, that’s fine. But they can’t expect me to be making dinner until like… 2 months out. You need that time to bond with your baby, get used to motherhood, and rest. Especially since I’ll be recovering from a c-section. I have a medical condition that will require one.
  2. DEFINITELY talk to the grandmother upfront and say “No one may pry the baby from my arms, so unless you ask, please do not grab her from me. I also would rather you hold her when you’re sitting down, and not when she’s just fallen asleep. I love that you want to hold the baby, and be around her, but I ask that you respect my wishes.”
  3. In-laws are bound to get offended over these boundaries, because they’re clearly taking liberties and are VERY used to it. They sound like they’re very used to having their way. My Fiance and I have discussed that while I’m caring for a new human being, I’m not required to travel to anyone for the first few months if they want to see my baby. If the grandparents want to see the baby, they come to us. It will be a nice welcome break, and a chance for me to shower, clean, or just relax. Even work out once I’m healed. But it sounds like they’re not wanting to help. It sounds like they’re being very selfish with the baby. And that has to stop NOW or else they’re going to walk all over you.

I’m pretty mad for you…. This is exactly what I don’t want from my parents and in-laws.

ETA: I see that you said there’s no reasoning with them. I think then you need to set an ultimatem. “Here are our requirements/rules, and if you can’t follow them, then you may not see the baby. I ask that you respect me as the mother of your grandchild, and if you can’t do that, then we won’t be seeing much of each other.”

I hope your Darling Husband can get behind you on this one, because no husband should allow anyone, even his parents, to be so disrespectful of his wife. Seriously, blood is not the only bond out there, and it is not a get out of jail free card. People with poor behavior don’t get to be around me. 

Post # 27
Member
553 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
taKtical525:  I agree, but I think that you should take the risk of them doing things like leaving the waiting room at the hospital – if they weren’t there to congratulate you, then let them leave!  They weren’t doing you a favor by being there, and telling you that it took too long, for labor and delivery? Seriously? Talk about insensitive.  Likewise, if they can’t respect your boundaries, then let them walk out of your lives.  Who cares if they complain that you are keeping the baby from them, that’s your right!  If they are unreasonable and you can’t talk to them (believe me, I understand all too well), then don’t, just let them walk away.  And your husband needs to be the one to set the boundaries, because with people like that, if the daughter-in-law says ANYTHING even in a nice way, trying to stand up to them, they blame her – they may blame you anyway for what your husband tells them but he has to insist that it is coming from him, and insist on it altogether. 

And btw, I disagree that children deserve or need to know their extended family.  I know that Dr. Phil is this big advocate of letting all grandparents see their grandchildren, but I wholeheartedly disagree.  They need to be reasonable.  It is a privilege to spend any time with someone else’s children.  If they do not consider it a privilege and honor then seriously, cut them out.  You so do not need this.  And furthermore, this kind of nonsense is not even good for the child.  You don’t want to foster a relationship between a child and people who clearly disrespect that child’s parents.  It does not work that way.

Post # 28
Member
1312 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: A very pretty church.

View original reply
taKtical525: Be the bitch they treat you as. Live up to it. If they can’t acknowledge you, they can’t see your child. I they don’t respect you, why respect them. As new parents they come to you, at a time convenient to you and if they can’t behave they are not welcome. Train them like you would train a below average IQ puppy.

Post # 29
Member
2531 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

View original reply
taKtical525:  I am going to agree with you. You don’t just get to be a grandparent because your child had a child…you need to earn it.

The way they’ve acted, they don’t deserve it. I’m not saying they should never ever see her again but they need to start having a proper relationship with you first before that happens. 

Post # 30
Member
362 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
taKtical525: 

And his dad said he needed to get his house straight. In other words politely saying that he needed to put me in my place and keep my mouth shut.

Oh, they’re done. Cut-off until they can play nice. Period. Don’t let them guilt-trip you about spending time with “their” grandchild – respect is respect, and if they can’t show you and your husband any, then the last thing you need is for your child to grow-up witnessing that kind of example.

That kind of talk makes my blood boil.

The topic ‘Advice needed on situation involving inlaws and our baby. Please?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors