(Closed) Advice needed! SO has had the ring for OVER ONE YEAR but hasn't asked.

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
1409 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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littleladyb :  Ehhhh, he doesn’t seem chomping at the bits to marry you now. Once you finish supporting him through his unpaid year, he’ll need you even less.  You’d probably be doing him a favor if you set November as your deadline and leave him then.  By then he’ll have gotten what he needed out of you, and you’re conveniently removing yourself from the picture right then to save him even the trouble of breaking up with you or stringing you along some more.

Propose to him.  If he says no, leave now.  

Post # 17
Member
2735 posts
Sugar bee

Sorry, I think he’s playing mind games with you.  I’d ask for my ring back and move on.  Let him keep the damn ring box.

Post # 19
Member
541 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

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littleladyb :  I think you are in a tough spot, but your story is a perfect example of why you should not support someone until you are married because it leads to hurt feelings and extra pressure.

My husband is going back to school and we are paying for it togeher because I want to support him and it will lead to a better job down the road. Some may disagree, but I would NOT have agreed to financially help him with school if we were not married. I’ve heard of way too many stories like yours and frankly, I think you’re being completely taken advantage of. He wants to work an unpaid job for a year? (Side note: WTF?). Fine. He can get a second job to support himself and pay his bills. 

Post # 20
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee

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littleladyb :   You ask “Whats the hold up”? That’s something you need to ask him.

Personally I think the fact that you are supporting him and he is in unpaid internship is a very good reason to wait. Plus you haven’t been dating that long. 

When I was dating my bf I wanted to marry him after one year. BUT we got engaged after 5. When were were both ready. When he says he wants to marry you but is nor ready then chances are that he is telling the truth. The fact that he has a ring is irrelevant as its not like he made up his mind, bought a ring and then changed his mind. 

Sorry if I sound not very romantic but so many people get married far too soon. You need to be be BOTH ready. 

I will repeat my question. How old are you both? 

Post # 21
Member
1616 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2018 - City, State

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ValAsInVal :  +1 He’s using you. 

Post # 23
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee

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littleladyb :   I waited so long because we were both waiting till we finish university, figure out our lives etc. 

25 can be a good time to get married BUT it is really not suprising that a 25yo is not emotionally, financially, and mentally ready  for marriage.  If he is not ready you need to discuss his worries but there is not much you can do appart from that.

UNLESS, like some ppl suggested, you are genuinely worried he is using you or lying about not being ready and he  has simply no intention of marring you at all. But thats a different story and only you and him know the full story.

Post # 24
Member
343 posts
Helper bee

Hey 

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littleladyb :  I think you are having a case of “not being on the same page” with your SO. 

For starters, him telling you that he can now picture a future were he marries you is NOT the same as saying “let’s get married”. It simply means that he is open to the idea but might or might not be prepared. For example, I never wanted to get married but after meeting DH I started to imagine being  married to him, yet it still took me three more years to actually want to be married.

Second, I think it is mean of you to condition your help. If you want to help him with his dream job you should do it without deminding him something in return. This should be a huge red flag to your SO becaise it doesn’t prove that you care about him, but about getting something out of him. You were under no obligation yo support him and yet you offered. Oh, but you had tl add a condition to it.

Third, I understand him not proposing yet. He has no firm job and not certainty in his future (I bet he is also scared he might not end up getting the job). Some guys need to feel that they can provide their SO with a good life before getting engaged. 

Fourth, I understand your frustration in waiting but your relationship can’t be all about getting or not engaged. You need to let go a little bit and focus on making your relationship a happy relationship. Try and forget about a proposal, and focus on having a good time now. Otherwise you are just going to end up suffering even more (you already said you fear you might not even care when he proposes, yikes!)

Finally, talk with him and set realistic timelines. If getting a paid job is important for him offered him a dateline six months after he already has his job. Ask if he is comfortable giving you your grandmother’s ring, maybe he wanted to give you a unique one. Discuss if you are open to a lonh engagement or do you want to keep it short. Etc. 

Post # 25
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee

Any man (human) worth his salt would never be comfortable with depending on a non relation for an entire year while pursuing an unpaid dream job. I am sorry but I think you are being naive here. You have basically been twisting his arm trying to get him to propose and he is sidestepping you everytime and telling himself just a little bit longer until November when he doesn’t need you anymore. 

 

If he wasn’t ready to commit to you for life then he wasn’t ready to take an unpaid job and mooch. He is using you. 

Post # 26
Member
1751 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

He’s not ready – plain and simple. He’s saying it with his actions and his words. That bullshit he said about ‘if you hadn’t sent it away we’d be engaged by now’ was to get the pressure off of him. He can’t say it any louder to you than he already has! You’re just not hearing him. 

I think when he said he never wanted to be married in the past, and you’re the first one he’s wanted to be married to really meant you’re the first one he can see a long term commitment with. If you look back at his past relationships I’ll bet they were all short term ones.  

At this point it’s up to you – he’s told you he’s not ready. He’s actually been fairly good about not giving in to your threats / demands / guilt trips – many guys would just give you the ring to get you off his back then have an extended engagement.

You need to decide if you can stand a long-term or possibly never engagement. He seems happy to go on like this forever. Even if he did ask you to marry him today – would it be a long drawn-out engagement?  Would you feel like you just pressured him into it? I get the feeling that this isn’t going to happen. If you’re feeling frustrated now, and want to break up if he won’t propose – then you have to make that move and get on with your life. Otherwise could be waiting your whole life 

Post # 27
Member
1044 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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littleladyb :  wait he said that if you hadn’t taken the ring away for your mom to hold, you would have been engaged by now? But now he has it back, and has not proposed? 

He is claiming that something as trivial as the physical location of the ring impacted the life altering decision of proposition get or not proposing. There’s no way that is actually true…he said that to try to shift the responsibility for lack of follow through off of himself and on to you. Cowardly and just kind of mean.

He also knows you had the ring moved to help ease your sad feelings…so to “punish” you for doing something to protect your feelings is also pretty mean and insensitive.

Now that it’s back with no proposal proves that whole thing was just BS. He is buying time, either to keep you around for the financial support while he works for free (I am still curious what positions require a YEAR of free work – I am not doubting they are out there I have just never heard of them – so I’m just ignorant there) or he’s just not sure about whether he wants to marry you and is putting off making the decision, but he’s comfortable, so he will prolong as long as he can.

I don’t know…to me this would be just another case of hes not ready, youre both still young and it hasnt been that long esp given your ages, if you love him give him some time….but the whole “if you hadn’t moved the ring, I’d have proposed! So it’s your fault! But now it’s back and I’m still not doing it.” Makes me question whether or not he truly sees himself marrying you at all.

If I were you I’d rearly want to take some time apart and give both sides time to get some perspective, especially at 25. You’re both still growing into yourselves at that age.make him move back in with his parents for a while and stop supporting him until he demonstrates that his level of commitment to the relationship matches yours.

Post # 28
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Men are pretty simple.  If he really wanted to be engaged and get married, he would be.  I would personally never marry a man I felt I had to “pressure” to ask me.  Sorry to be blunt, but that’s just my 2 cents. 

Post # 30
Member
3046 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

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tempest816 :  Agreed

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littleladyb :  From your responses this seems like a lost cause. Most people here have explained all the ways this man is clearly not ready or willing to marry you and your main point is “He told me he wants to marry me”. Thats all well and good but until his actions match his words this means next to nothing. Deciding to support this grown man who is not ready to make a lifelong commitment to you and may not even need you once he has this great job is a horrible decision. Period

You had a ring – he didnt purchase it nor was he intending to get one on his own. Your expectations do not match the reality of your situation.

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