- 8 months ago
I’ve posted a couple of times about engagement related things but I’ve seen so much support & great advice given on here so I figured I might come on here for some myself. Sorry if this is long but I’d appreciate any input/advice from Bees who are feeling or who have felt the way I do. Or anyone who can offer some sound advice, for that matter!
A little bit about me…I am 26 years old (a “baby”, I know) and I am really struggling emotionally lately. I have always been very outgoing, friendly and generally positive, although I do struggle with GAD with OCD tendencies. I am an empath and tend to take on the emotions/energy of others. Because I am so outgoing and pretty much an “open book”, I never realized how difficult it is for me to actually be vulnerable and express myself at times. I am vocal and opinionated but I have realized that I struggle with talking about my insecurities & worries & things of that nature. I am usually the person people go but I struggle with reaching out myself and sometimes keep things in. Therapy has been amazing for me and I absolutely love going. I know sometimes things can get worse before they get better, but I feel like the fact that all of my issues are really being worked on now has made it more difficult for me to cope.
The things I’m feeling are not major, in the grand scheme of things. I am very blessed in life and I know that. I have always tried to be positive, sometimes minimizing my own struggles, but it’s proving to be really hard lately. I just feel so stressed over EVERYTHING. I was in college and stopped going a few years ago because I was unsure of what I wanted to do. That was during a time when my parents were able to help me a bit financially and when I still lived at home. Now, my boyfriend and I own a home and I need to work full-time, which often makes me feel SO much regret for not staying in school. I know I can go back, and I have been seriously thinking about it, but I don’t know how I’d be able to work full-time and go to school. I know so many people do it, but I lack confidence in myself that I could be one of those people. I also struggle with what I would DO. I have considered social work or something in criminal justice. Additionally, I love re-finishing furniture, home decorating and party planning. I am also a huge animal lover…but I just don’t know. I don’t even know how I’d afford it.
I’m sorry if this is all over the place but I think I may just be doing this to really let it all out. Sometimes it’s easier for me to write about how I’m feeling than to actually vocalize it. I’m noticing myself becoming more of a glass half empty kinda person, rather than the glass half full person I’ve always tried to be. I feel overwhelmed in all aspects, I guess. I find myself stressed over the big things and the little things and sometimes I feel like I can’t catch a break (even though I KNOW I am blessed). I find myself SO overwhelmed with keeping up with the house. I constantly obsess over what needs to be done, yet I feel like I’m never actually “getting things done”. How do you all work, have kids AND keep your houses clean?! It’s only two of us and yet I feel like I can’t keep up with anything. It drives me crazy. My boyfriend and I haven’t been on an actual vacation in 7 years (first world problems, I know) and I secretly saved up to surprise him with a cruise for Christmas. I’ve never been so excited to do something. Well…our foster kittens decided to DESTROY our bedroom carpet soo I ended up spending more than half the money on new floors. I felt so defeated.
The crazy thing is…I have been through SO many difficult things personally and with my family and during each time, managed to keep my shit together/remain positive/be there for everyone, so why am I losing it now?! I think I just feel stuck. I know my boyfriend will be proposing sometime soon and this is something I have waited SO long for. I am SO excited about that and I feel like this should be one of the happiest times. Yet I am obsessing over stupid things like all of the things I want/need to do to the house and I am constantly feeling like a failure. I feel like I am lacking a purpose in some way. Not only do I want a better paying job/career so that I can contribute more to the house and the bills (my boyfriend works SO hard for us and I feel guilty)…but also so that I feel like I am making a difference in the lives of others somehow.
I know my pity party mindset is not helping me right now, but truthfully, I don’t know how to snap out of it. Even writing this has proven difficult to fully express what I’m feeling, but hopefully it’ll make sense to someone. I know all of this probably sounds so stupid but I appreciate anyone who actually reads this. Even if no one does, I know it helps sometimes to just let things out. <3