(Closed) Advice on a friend and when to spill the beans…

posted 7 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 3
7643 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@AbBeeRoad:  It’s your body, do what you need to do. It is also partially your husband’s decision. If she is someone you could lean on for support if anything did happen I would tell her with DH’s blessing.

I knew my friend was someone I could rely on, but as a couple, we still chose to keep it a secret. She was elated anyway when she found out. I still didn’t have a good chance to tell her even if I ahd wanted to because I found out the morning of her wedding and then she went on a honeymoon and fell off the face of the earth a while.

Your friend should be supportive whether you wait or not.

Post # 4
11735 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Tell her when your comfortable. It’s her problem if she gets mad. Why she thinks she should be first before famiky to know is beyond me.

Post # 5
602 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@AbBeeRoad:  I think you should make whatever decision you feel most comfortable with… My husband has been through 2 MC in the past so he has been very cautious with our pregnancy… we have agreed not to tell anyone in his family until thanksgiving (12 weeks) when we can have our first ultrasound (this morning) and a second appointment to hear the heartbeat (11/21) behind us…

Personally I havent decided how exactly i want to tell my parents, but i feel like I need to figure out how to tell my mom… I honestly think I would want her to know if we miscarry anyways because I will be so sad… but at the same time DH has had extreme self control in not telling his parents so i feel like i should be waiting too…

Everyone I know online, but not IRL, knows… but i finally had to share with a former coworker and friend how just had her first… i need a support buddy to talk to about all this stuff… We also told our old neighbor this morning because she works in the same clinic as our OBGYN, but she doesnt know any of our family so its not like she can tell anyone other than her husband…

Really, its your choice… it may be a slippery slope though, so think carefully about who you tell because you cant take it back, and everyone might end up knowing before you want…

Post # 6
971 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Tell her when you plan to tell everyone else. She has no right be be angry at you for not telling her immediately after you POAS. Speaking from experience, from someone who had a miscarriage at 10 weeks, I wouldn’t want to tell anyone I was pregnant until after the first trimester. 

Post # 7
7638 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@AbBeeRoad:  Tell her at 12 weeks. Too bad if she gets furious – just tell her the truth at that time: “We decided not to tell anyone until 12 weeks”.  If she can’t understand that you’re not telling her ahead of your own family, then she’s not being a good friend.

In the meantime, I’d even tell a white lie, that AF has come. I justify lying in certain circumstances, on the grounds that some people are doing the wrong thing by asking in the first place.

And congrats!

Post # 8
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

i don’t understand the whole waiting to tell ‘very close’ friends.

i guess to me a ‘very close’ friend is someone who knows about pretty much everything.

I really don’t understand the point of lying to a ‘very close’ friend, particulary if the subject is coming up.

i guess the reason not to tell, would be if you felt it would be too painful to have her know if you miscarried–or if she has a big mouth.

there are a lot of people in the world who fall into that category (I would not want them to know if I miscarried) but if that is the case, then to me, they are not a ‘very close’ friend.  

to me a close friend is someone who has known about stuff all along and can share both my joy and pain. someone who coud hear about bleeding via text at the first sight of blood,  pray with me for my baby’s safety and comfort me if the worst happens, by knowing what to say in a way that even my husband might not be able to. I guess my close friendships are more intimate than most family members. . however I recognize that that is not the case for everyone. so it may be a matter of deciding: how close is she to you, REALLY? that may help guide your decision.

if the answer is that really, she’s not THAT close then I agree with pp that she doesn’t get to know just cause she’s curious.

but if the answer is that yes, she is really your very close friend–then you don’t have to miss out on having her support just because your husband is worried about miscarriage. if he’s worried, he should want you to be able to feel as supported as possible, should that scenario occur. and if she’s someone you’d want/need in your corner in that worst case scenario, I say go ahead and spill.


Post # 9
2240 posts
Buzzing bee

She doesn’t get to dictate when people tell her the details of their lives when those details aren’t any of her business.

Tell her at 12 weeks like you’re planning to do with everyone else. If she gets mad, so be it. 


Post # 10
3125 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

We immediately told our close friends and waited until 8 weeks to tell our parents, 10 weeks to tell our immediate families, 12 weeks to go public at work and 14 weeks to post it on facebook. I told my close friends immediately.

The reason we told different people at different times? I wanted the support of my best friends if something went wrong. DH was concerned about how upset his parents would be if we miscarried so we wanted to give it some time, I didn’t want to tell my sisters until we heard the heartbeat because they are all gossips ;), my coworker had her baby when I was 10 weeks so I didn’t want to steal her spotlight, and I couldn’t think of how I wanted to post it on facebook haha.

I would tell your friend if YOU want to. If she is trustworthy and will keep her mouth shut, she might be a good source of support and advice for you. I know when I first got pregnant I had a ton of questions and it was helpful to have people I trusted to share their experiences with me!

Post # 11
604 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Narrawallee reserve/beach & Mollymook golf club

@AbBeeRoad:  I’d wait until the 12 week mark, tell both your own and your partner’s family first, and then maybe just tell her first out of your friends. If she gets upset that you told your family first then that’s a pretty petty reaction to your fantastic news. Congratulations!

Post # 12
1415 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@AbBeeRoad:  I personally wouldn’t tell anyone that I was pregnant before 12 weeks (especially since I’ve had miscarriages in the past) . That being said, I also don’t talk to my friends about TTC and they definitely wouldn’t know if I was “late” or that I’d been taking pregnancy tests and getting BFNs. She’ll probably wonder why you were open with her about getting BFNs but chose to keep your BFP a secret. Ultimately though, the decision is up to you. If you don’t feel comfortable telling her then don’t. 🙂

Post # 14
27 posts
  • Wedding: September 2013

@AbBeeRoad:  You and youre husband are making the right decisionSmile Do what works for you and him good luck to you BOTH!

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