(Closed) Advice on Breaking an Engagment

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@Watergirl05: It’s true that this will be hard, but you’re right to realize this now and take action before you become any more entangled. As I discovered with my ex, you can love someone and still not be right together in the long term.

My ex and I lived together, owned a condo together, and had intermingled many (though not all) of our finances. It made leaving much harder but certainly not impossible.

My first bit of advice, from experience, is to have a plan in mind for the logistics of the break-up. Definitely don’t drag this out – it will only be harder on you and especially on him – but have an idea of who will stay in the house, how the debt will be paid off, etc. Know what you would like to happen, but be flexible and understanding that he is going to have to come to grips with a big change that he didn’t initiate.

Secondly, try to remember as the break-up is progressing that this was a relationship based on love and remember break-ups (especially when property/debt/assets are involved) can get unintentionally nasty. Try to be fair to him and to yourself.

The way my ex and I worked it out is that we both had our own lawyer. This sounds like overkill, especially since we weren’t even married, but it allowed us to trust that our respective interests were being taken care of conscientiously. His lawyer drafted an agreement saying that the ex owed me $ for my stake in our house, and that once it was paid I relinquished my ownership. My lawyer reviewed and made a few changes to make sure my liability was limited. His lawyer cost him a few thousand dollars, and mine a few hundred. It was money well spent – it kept it from being too personal and emotional.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, but know that you’re making the right decision. The break-up (mutual, but I had to move) after years of being with my ex was the hardest thing I lived through – and the best. I met the right person later on, and now I know that you can be secure in a relationship and free from nagging doubt. This will be difficult for both your Fiance and his daughter, so just be as understanding and patient as you can with questions or concerns he may have – but do what’s best for you. Best of luck to you! You can do this.

Edited to add: if his temper makes you fearful in any way, do NOT do anything to put yourself in harm’s way.  I hope you’re not in a situation in which you need it, but if you are: 1−800−799−SAFE(7233)

Post # 4
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think you need to go to a lawyer.  Even though you aren’t married, you have joint property that needs to be unwound and that might need someone there to make sure that the bills get paid and you don’t have a default or foreclosure on your account because he didn’t pay the bills and said that he did.

Just remember that there is a reason you are breaking up and you will rise above and beyond this.

Post # 5
404 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

While I really don’t have any experience dividing up property legally, I can comment by saying that I think you are incredibly brave for facing these feelings and being willing to act on them.  This is a huge and very difficult decision, and speaks volumes of your character.  It sounds that you are resolute in your choice to move on, and I commend you for that.  Have you considered how you are going to approach your fiance about this situation?  Do you think it would be best to do it in the presence of someone who is a common close friend or relative, so that you won’t feel scared and he will be held accountable for his reaction?

I am so sorry that you are going through this, but it is obviously all for the best.  It will definitely be hard, but you will look back on this decision with so much confidence, knowing that you did the right thing for not only yourself, but for him as well.  Maybe explain to him that you’re obviously not making each other happy, and it only will get worse if you cannot find common ground, and that is no way to live.  You can’t expect to enter a marriage on such different terms, and he should not deem it ok either.

Be brave.  Stay strong.  And best of luck.  You’re not the only one who’s gone through this, and can find confidence in that. 

Sending lots of hugs.

Post # 6
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I agree with what everyone else has said. Have a plan and talk to a lawyer before breaking the news to your fiance.

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