(Closed) Advice on dealing with negativity from judgey relatives

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
355 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

I’ve been dealing with this with my bridal party. They mean well, but they are blunt and have been oversharing their opinions. One girl even yelled that she hated one of my accesories choices after she asked me to show them to her. I was originally so happy with what I bought, and it burst my bubble of excitement. They said things like “you’re wearing that?? I HATE IT! It’s so ugly!!” And then five minutes later say, “But it’s your wedding, do what you want! That’s most important!”  As though that canceled out what they said earlier. If it’s so damn important, why can’t they keep their opinions somewhat filtered?  After that, I closed up shop on getting any other opinions.

I’d say not to show them even if they ask to see something, especially if you know they’re judgey to begin with. I made the mistake of thinking I was limiting my wedding talk a lot, but still, I’d get excited about a purchase. They’d ask what I’ve been doing with wedding planning and ask to see everything, so I showed them. After a few outburts (and I mean outbursts, not even just side-eyes), I decided they can all see at the wedding. If they are so ill-mannered to dare tell me my wedding day look is not beautiful ON my wedding day, they can leave. ๐Ÿ™‚ 

By the way, they still ask to see my wedding look. You have to stand firm and not show them. Really. I wished I’d adopted this stance earlier. It will save you a lot of hurt feelings.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by  lambert63.
Post # 3
Member
787 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

frogprincess:  Definitely been there and you nailed it when you said you weren’t going to offer up details unless they explicitly ask for them. Definitely try not to offer up any details, not even if there’s a special task (like cake tasting) that you’re doing that weekend or something because it’s just an invitation from them to weigh in. And keep it all in perspective. The wedding will be over before you know it and then you’ll have your whole life to forget the silly little looks they exchanged because you didn’t dress like a nun for your wedding.

And re: not having a church wedding, I was told by several family members that when I married into my husband’s catholic sort-of-practicing-sort-of-not family, I would shock a lot of people by getting married at a venue instead of in a church. I think that’s probably true and I did manage to shock a few people, but no one said a single word to me (except my Father-In-Law, who asked repeatedly who would be performing the wedding if it wasn’t in a church) and I forgot about it right up to this minute. Long story short, if you do your best to ignore them now, you’ll probably forget about most of this tension later.

Post # 4
Member
4505 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Stories like this make me so sad. It’s so upsetting to me when people use religion as an excuse to be unkind and judgmental. IMO, religion should do the exact opposite — it should make you more loving, more accepting, more open…. etc. But I digress. 

I think the way I would deal with it is to just focus on my excitement about the wedding and the marriage, realize that these people are going to be judgmental and probably won’t change their opinions, and to just try to focus on the good things about them. Also realize you’re not doing anything wrong by not covering yourself completely in 75 degree heat, etc etc. That’d be my first step.

But I also would not hesitate to call them out on their judgmental attitudes if they make them so apparent. They are being rude at best, and a lot of other things at worst. I don’t think it’s wrong to let them know that their actions are hurting you at a time when you should all be coming together in celebration. 

Post # 5
Member
715 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Personally when I had issues I just flat out stood up for myself and didn’t take their crap. I had people thinking I was too young to be engaged and talking about it behind my back, making rude comments on Facebook. So I straight up told them it’s my life and I can make my own decisions. Two years later the wedding is still on an I’m still studying (shock horror). Luckily we are all good now. But I spose I still harbor resentment towards those who have judged or do judge my life.

Post # 6
Member
8952 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

frogprincess:  I’m glad things have been going pretty well lately. As far as how to deal with possible negativity coming up, I just ignore people. But if you can’t do that I recommend being as vague as possible about anything you think they’ll disapprove of. If you know they’re going to insult your dress choice (or silently clutch their pearls looking aghast) don’t take them dress shopping and don’t show any photos after you buy. Just tell them it’s going to be a surprise. End of story. There’s no reason they need to know in advance who will be officiating or what you’re serving or any other details. “We haven’t decided yet” or “we’re still considering options” are useful phrases. Good luck.

Post # 7
Member
1754 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I wouldn’t even share details if they ask for them!  I’d give them one more chance, and if they respond negatively or judgmentally to your answer to a question they asked, tell them, “I’m sorry, but I will no longer be answering questions about my wedding details due to your reactions/comments.”  And stick with it!

I’m not longer going to answer my FMIL’s questions – it’s going to be REALLY hard, but answering her questions only results in judgment, negativity, and an endless stream of why my idea is bad along with suggestions for how to change my wedding to meet her standards.  For example, she has hated everything and tried to convince us to change everything – including FI’s lifelong best friend (who Future Mother-In-Law likes!) being our officiant because Future Mother-In-Law “wants a Christian marrying us,” and the fact that FI’s best friend doesn’t actively attend church apparently makes him flat-out not Christian (she has no idea what his beliefs are).

I’d rather take her being mad about not getting information than her ripping apart my decisions.

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