Advice on Destination Bachelorette Party?

posted 6 months ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: How should I respond?
    Suck it up and attend the expensive bachelorette : (4 votes)
    11 %
    Tell the bride I can't swing it : (24 votes)
    63 %
    Tell the bride I can't swing it and offer to come in early for the wedding : (8 votes)
    21 %
    Something else (please comment) : (2 votes)
    5 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    1765 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2017

    Just tell her you can’t. There is no obligation to attend a bach party, ESPECIALLY a destination one where lots of money is involved. To me, even if I could afford it, it doesn’t mean it’s something I would want to do, so why go if it’s just out of obligation? You shouldn’t feel bad or guilty. Just say you won’t be able to attend, you can give a reason or don’t but you shouldn’t feel like you need to. No is a complete answer!

    Post # 3
    Hostess
    6500 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: March 2019

    Stiletto13 :  I think it is totally reasonable to say you cannot attend because of the distance and money, but maybe you could organise with another Bridesmaid or Best Man to pay for some drinks / fizz for whatever they end up doing. I once got a load of shit because I couldn’t do a 400 mile round trip for one night the week before my friend got married and I would have to do the trip again. Some people won’t get it but do what is right for you. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    1477 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    Full disclosure: I am firmly in the camp that a bridesmaid’s job is to buy the dress and support the bride on her wedding day (DAY- not the months leading up to the day). I am not of the opinion that the bridesmaid is obligated to provide the bride with a wedding shower, a bachelorette, or any other party, that she needs to help with any admin tasks such as addressing invitations, assembling flowers or table decorations or the card box, nor do I believe a bridesmaid is obligated to run any errands for the bride. If she wants to offer, great, but it should not be expected of her because the bride has bestowed the “bridesmaid” title on her. That’s my opinion and I am not sure how common it is, but that’s how I always felt.

     

    So, all that said, I think it is totally reasonable to say hey Susie, that sounds super fun, but I am not able to attend the bachelorette party. Have a great time! If you want to contact the Maid/Matron of Honor and ask if you can contribute a few bucks to buying some shots for the bride, I think that would be a nice gesture.

    Post # 5
    Member
    158 posts
    Blushing bee

    You don’t have to go and you shouldn’t feel guilty for not going, but you also shouldn’t judge her for wanting a destination bachelorette. Perhaps in her close group that is the norm, and she has no idea it would be such a hardship for you.

    Post # 6
    Member
    13249 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I’d just tell the bride and the host that you can’t make it.  Don’t make it about money – just apologize and say you can’t attend, but hope they have a great time.  Maybe if you can swing it, you could send champagne or something to their hotel room as a gesture of good will when they arrive. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    135 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2018

    As a bride with bridesmaids in 3 different far away states, I would understand if one (or more) of them couldn’t make it. We chose the location for the sunshine and warmth and relatively cheap flights, but it’s still a lot of money overall. 

    Say it’s more than you can afford at this point; you don’t have to do anything extra.

    Coming in a day early “to hang out” may not actually be that helpful if she can’t/doesn’t have the time to host you while taking care of last minute stuff/work/etc. (unless the day is already set up for just hanging out or whatever). If you can be actively helpful (drive yourself around, pick up stuff, prep stuff, etc.) then that might be good (although are there other people doing this already? I know the moms are gonna be all over that in our case). 

    Post # 8
    Member
    256 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    For my bachelorette party I had my sister put out an annonymous survey where my bridesmaids could voted destination or not, and also for what weekend worked best for them. Turns out only one of 8 actually wanted a destination bach. Sometimes something a like a group text can make people afraid to say how they truly feel. Maybe you could recommend this survey idea to the bride?

    Post # 9
    Member
    1217 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2018

    You don’t have to go, by any means. I do think it’s nice to acknowledge the party somehow, maybe send a bottle of champagne or something to their hotel room to say “have a lot of fun, sorry I can’t be with you!” 

    Post # 10
    Member
    279 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2018

    I would tell the bride “Hey, I’ve been thinking a lot about you bachelorette party and I just want to be 100% honest with you. Vegas and the other destinations just aren’t something I want to spend money on at this time. My husband and I have future vacations and projects that we are trying to put money aside for. You deserve to have a great bachelorette so go where you want to go and don’t worry about me. I promise that we’ll get together and do something super fun just the two of us sometime before your wedding.”

    Post # 11
    Member
    46596 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    “It’s hard because we are at a point in our lives where spending cash like this “shouldn’t” be an issue, so I feel awkward.”

    Spending money you don’t have, should always be an issue. Putting a trip to Vegas or anywhere else on a credit card is absurd. Just tell her you won’t be able to attend and send a bottle of champagne to the party. Do not go into a prolonged explanation as in the above example.

     

    Post # 12
    Member
    10276 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper

    I think you ought to speak up and say you are sorry but you won’t be able to attend an out of town bachelorette.  Don’t feel the least bit guilty if the bride prioritizes you being there over anything else or offers to pay.  

    Actually, I think that rather than being at a point where you “should” be expected to pay for it, it’s just the opposite. With maturity comes other priorities and responsibilities, including saving money for the future. Just because you have the access to money doesn’t mean you can afford it. And in this case you don’t even have the money, so you definitely can’t. 

    Bachelorette parties themselves are not an entitlement or an obligation on anyone’s part. They are not even recognized or sanctioned by traditional etiquette. 

    Just say no. If you want to come in a day early, that’s fine, but not required either. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    953 posts
    Busy bee

    I get it. I’m an introvert too and I’m headed out for a destination Bachelorette this summer with girls I don’t really know. I’m not thrilled but I’m doing it for my friend the bride and bc I want beach time.

    My advice: Back out now and don’t wait until they start planning details bc it’s annoying trying to find hotels/airbnb arrangements for a group to then have a few fall off the wagon days later. 

    Be blunt and don’t give maybe answers. Either you’re down to drop the $$ or you’re not. And it’s ok to not. You’re all adults. They should get it.

    Post # 14
    Member
    3860 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2017

    You didn’t screw up, agreeing to be a bridesmaid doesn’t mean you automatically agree to a destination bachelorette. Tell her you can’t do it. Coming a day early isn’t required either, but if you would like to do that it would be a nice gesture. 

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