Post # 1
I handmade the thank you cards (same as the invites/programs), addressed the envelopes, stamped them and after much teeth pulling, got my groom to write cards to his side. His were not quite as speedy as mine, but in a relatively acceptable fashion until now. We’ve gotten a few late presents, and he has just sat on one card to his groomsman. He continues to insist that we have one year to write thank yous despite me providing lots of evidence otherwise. I’ve asked, I’ve reminded, I’ve had the addressed card on the coffee table for ages now to no avail and I’m quite frustrated. How do I get him to write this thank you? Please provide advice/suggestions on things to say to him.
Please note: I am not interested in solutions that suggest I write the card for him. I believe it’s a gift to the couple not just the bride, so he has an obligation to say thank you – *particularly* to his groomsman. My feminist side cringes at the idea I should do them for him, as does the bit in me that feels he needs to learn this is important, even though he somehow failed to learn it as a kid. It solves the immediate problem but not the larger one.
Post # 3
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
This is like any other chore that isn’t intrinsically rewarding. Reminding him repeatedly is clearly not effective. He’ll do it on his timeframe. If that isn’t good enough for you, then do it yourself and don’t gripe that he didn’t do it according to your timeframe/standards. This isn’t about feminism or anything else. This is about you holding his performance of a chore to your standards. That’s not fair to him. He’s right. He has a few more months to get them done. If that doesn’t suit you, then it’s your issue, not his.
Post # 4
Hmm.. if it were me I’d just tell him he was doing it. That it is completely rude and disrespectful not to, and that it reflects poorly on both of you. I don’t often (really never) tell my husband to do things like he’s a child, but if this was him, he’s be writing the effing thank you card or he’d be in the dog house. So, knowing my husband he would just write it so as not to feel any wrath!
You shouldn’t have to write it, and he needs to understand that it makes both of you look bad and you feel embarrassed. How hard is it to put 3 sentences together?
Post # 5
Even according to his year timeline (which is I received a thank you card that far out I would be rather confused!) he is running low on time.
I don’t think there is any one solution. Perhaps you could give him an outline of what to say to these particular people and then have it write it in his own handwriting? Similar to teaching a child the same skill, it can be overwhelming coming up with his own stuff when he never learned to write thank yous in the first place.
Post # 6
@kay01: I definitely understand what you’re saying as to why you are not interested in solutions that involve your writing the card FOR him. However, here is the issue: Sending a timely thank you is important to YOU, and it is not important to HIM. You may believe he is wrong, and you can (and have) even point(ed) to etiquette books that “prove” he is wrong. However, you cannot force your Darling Husband to change his mind, and you cannot force him to write a note according to your preferred timeline. You really only have two choices: 1) allow your Darling Husband to write the card if and when he decides he wants to write it, or 2) decide that you cannot live with the outcome of him not doing it according to your preferred (and technically correct) timeframe and do it yourself. What you cannot do is to make him change how he feels or what he intends to do.
By the way, I NEVER would have written this type of response if I were still single. I’m coming up on my fourth anniversary being married to a man who is completely unimpressed with the etiquette police and whatever “they” have to say. I actually just wrote thank you notes on his behalf for HIS birthday gifts, because I believed it was important to do so. He would have been fine with expressing his thanks in a much less formal manner.
ETA: I see that @lovekiss: has already said exactly what I was trying to say. 🙂
Post # 7
@NinjaDuck: We didn’t receive the gift at the time of the wedding, but many months later. Still delinquent…but not 10 months delinquent!
Post # 8
@lovekiss: My standards line up with the general etiquette and the general public standards in this case. I’ve not read anything that suggests it’s ok to delay one year on writing thank yous (it’s sending them that’s given a one year grace period).
It’s one thing if you are a neat freak who wants the floor swept daily (unreasonable). It’s another thing if you simply never clean the tub, ever. (My husband, 5 years after moving into his apartment.) I know some bees believe that this is ok and even if there are wildly disparate standards that the only solution is the higher standard person does it all. That is not compromise to me. A compromise is for example, not insisting on cleaning the tub every week but say, every month, every other month – or trading off for other chores. On thank yous, a compromise is not insisting he do them within a week, as I think they ought to be done (I know some are sticklers for same night, but I grant life gets in the way), but not doing it for him.
In any event, I thank you for the thought and comment – but it doesn’t address my question at all. I’m looking for suggestions on what to say to him, how to phrase it. Alternatively, I guess I could throw a huge fit and start a big fight to “make it be” his problem as well, but I’m looking for some reasonable suggestions/advice on how to have a productive conversation instead.
Post # 9
Darling Husband and I both did all of ours together. Perhaps you could start the wayward card with a sentence or two of your own, then hand it to him with a pen and tell him you’ve got envelope and stamp waiting.
Post # 10
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
I would just kind of pathetically beg him to do it – when he sees that something is really really important to me (and btw I don’t bust this move out very often), he’ll do it even if he disagrees on the importance of it. Would that work for you?
If that doesn’t work, I think you’re on your own :/
Post # 11
Oh this would bug me to no end. Honestly, this is where the demanding, slightly bitchy side of me would come out and basically have him choose between getting them done or getting into an argument. Normally, I try to be laissez-faire about dealings between us, but I don’t abide by being rude to other people.
ETA: Would he be responsive to you saying that you needed him to get this done? Usually, Fiance will lose his stubbornness after he realize that [insert task here] is THAT important to me. Maybe if you sit down next to him and encourage him as he goes…?
Post # 12
And so what if he doesn’t write the thank yous? His friends, his problem. I would pretend the problem didn’t even exist.
Post # 13
so annoying! I would set the pen and card down in front of him one afternoon and say, “quick, write the card. Im running to the mailbox right now and want to get these out!” I would try to instill a bit of urgency or guilt, i.e. “so and so got their cards out right away. Im sure your friend is wondering where his is.”
Also, maybe he is having trouble thinking of what to say. When you put it in front of him maybe throw a few ideas his way.
Post # 14
I just hand my husband a card and say “Sign this.”
Bam. His signature and off it goes. It doesn’t need something extravagent, he doesn’t need to write anything. All I need is his name at the bottom of the card.
His friends, his problem. This has nothing to do with feminism or “not learning to do it” as a child. You’re investing yourself too much in this.
Post # 15
How much is your time and stress level worth to you? You’ve been fussing at him for nearly a year, and it’s not getting done. You can continue bashing your head against the wall and getting frustrated at each other, or you can move forward. If you’re THAT determined to not write the card for him, fine. You can choose to make this easier for him, or not. If you want to make it easier, then have him come up with a generic ‘thank you’ statment, print it on the card and shove it at him to sign. Or do what my cousin did – they printed up individual ‘thank you’ statements on clear labels, stuck it on the card and they both signed.
There’s no conversation that you can have with him that will magically make him care about thank you cards. None. It’s like the bathtub – no conversation you’ve had with him has made him actually give a damn about cleaning it. He’s doing it because you insisted. If it means that much to you, then insist.
Post # 16
@kay01: Hmmm. I’m a little trickster, so if possible, I would hold the gift hostage or hide it and say that he couldn’t have it until the thank you note is in the mail… or sneak away something else that he loves until the thank you card is done. Probably not the healthiest advice, but it works for my Fiance and I. I make it more playful and joking, but it gets the job done.