(Closed) Advice on how to deal with FH’s adult kids

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3770 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo

I’m sorry, I don’t have any advice but I just wanted to say this situation you’re going through sucks.  I guess even though your FI’s kids witnessed first hand how your FI’s ex abused him, she is still their mother and something in them makes them pity, forgive, and side with her.  That’s a pretty hard bond to break, and it sucks that it is making things so difficult for you.

Post # 4
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I have a 16 year old, his father remarried and I found out he had become a drug attic on meth.   I can tell you only from the other side so don’t take offense I am in no way taking HER side just telling you mine from a totally different situation.

I know for sure if his (new wife) were to address my son in any way negative about or towards me he would flip.  I have personally called and told her to know her roll that she has no place speaking of me to my son or in a way he could see or find out. We have zero relationship and only know each other circumstantially and if she was going to be around my child she is to speak nothing but nice about me or not at all.  By law in custody court these things are stated you are not to speak ill of one another in any form in front of the child.  I would take the facebook comment down and address her one on one. If she is enduring abuse on either you or your man then this needs to be an address to an attorney and the stipulations of the divorce is revised.  You might want to read the devoice papers and see you options and if she is already breaking some of the agreement stipulations.  Acts after divorced with children of any age can and will be used against someone to discredit them as a person able to be around them.  She can use this against you if she wants to as trying to manipulate the teens to be against her. I know that sounds extreme but I have been in at least 5 custody battles with my ex and I kid you not everything you do is a matter of discussion, even something as simple as a facebook post. I can tell you much more but this is already a page.  Talk to an attorney.

Keep strong and just love the kids and try your best to be the better person (stepping stone I know it’s hard) and eventfully they will see for themselves the truth in everything.  Mine did but I tell you it was really hard to suck up the nasty things he did and said about me to my son but in the end it’s worth it.   

 

Post # 5
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

Honestly if the children are adults, there are very few times you need to be in the same place as her or have any contact with her. Schedule visits when she isn’t there. Most importantly focus on your relationship with the kids. Don’t talk bad about their mom, it will only put stress on your relationship with them.

Post # 7
Member
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Feuds like this really should be kept off facebook.  It is terrible that she is being rude to you and mean to her children, but posting something like that on facebook seems passive-aggressive to me.  I’m not saying YOU ARE passive-aggressive, but you’re an adult and that sounds like something a high-schooler would do.  Be the bigger person and take it down, and apologize for airing your differences on a social media site.

Post # 8
Member
1231 posts
Bumble bee

@futuremrsfitz18:  Feuds like this really should be kept off facebook.  It is terrible that she is being rude to you and mean to her children, but posting something like that on facebook seems passive-aggressive to me.  I’m not saying YOU ARE passive-aggressive, but you’re an adult and that sounds like something a high-schooler would do.  Be the bigger person and take it down, and apologize for airing your differences on a social media site

THIS!

Don’t air things on facebook. By doing that so they would run back to tell her what you said, it sounds like you are using them as pawns to get back at her. I’m sure you don’t mean it that way, but that’s how it comes across. In their minds they are the only ones that can say how awful she really is, you are only an outsider. I hope it works out for all of you.

Post # 9
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’d keep this discussion off facebook myself.  It’s very public airing of a private family matter with the added complications of children who may not fully appreciate the situation but regardless do not want to hear ill of their parents (and certainly not in that open venue).  I think people post way too much on facebook in general.

Depending on what you wrote, she could also bring a lawsuit for libel.  You may very well win that lawsuit, but it’d be painful to go through.

Post # 11
Member
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@halolover:  I read through all of this and it is a hard situation. All I can say is even thought you don’t want to apologize, doing so might be for the better. I know that is not the advice you want, but you don’t have to apologize for what was said, rather how they must have misinterpreted it in such a way that it has destroyed your relationship with the kids.

Post # 12
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@halolover:  I’m open to any advice except apologizing to any of them.

Unfortunately, sometimes to become the “big happy family” that you hoped for in your initial post, you have to be the bigger person and appologize.  I wouldn’t suggest apologizing to the ex, but I would to the kids regarding posting on facebook.  To the ex, I would suggest minimizing all contact.  I still think you should keep everything related to this topic entirely off facebook.  (Not actually naming her helps, but if people can figure out to whom you are referring, it’s a thin veil to hide under.)  You’re the adult, so act like it.  If the kids are rude and disrespectful then call them on the specific behavior when they do it – and you should get dad to support you 110% on this.  If it’s at a family gathering, other adults can back you up if needed (although really it just needs to be you & dad.)  If they ignore you, ignore them back.  Even if they are over 18, they are still acting like kids and it sounds like they’re trying to get attention and a rise out of you.  Don’t give it to them, remain calm, and be patient.  Be the adult in this situation.

ETA: Two wrongs don’t make a right.  I’m not saying she’s acted correctly in this situation, but you can only change yourself, not others.

Post # 13
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

I think you seriously need to drop your concern with this woman. Personally if my step mom ever did what you did I would not be happy (and I LOVE my stepmom). I don’t think you should facebook about this situation, talk to her, or talk about her. THere is really no reason for you to have any relationship with her beyond graduations, weddings, etc. The more you drag this all out the less the kids are going to want anything to do with you. She is their mom and will always be, and trying to play these games, you will lose everytime.

As far as your Fiance ‘s relationship with them, he needs to work on that seperate from your relationship with them. That is the most important thing. Let them know you love them and want to be involved in their lives, but give them space.

 

Post # 15
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think your FH’s kids were right to ask you not to comment publicly on their mother…especially if you’re FB-friends with them. It seems disrepectful to them–people you seem to care about–even if their mother is a crazy horrible person, it is their mother and they don’t want to have that kind of dirty laundry out for the world to see. Whether or not you said something ‘appropriate’ to the situation doesn’t matter–there was a 6-month period when I didn’t talk to my sister and was furious at her but if anyone else said a bad word about her (even in regards to what she did to me) I would have been upset as well.  The point is, if you want to have a good relationship with your FH then you’re going to have to accept his children and the fact that they love their mother despite her many flaws. You say you won’t apologize–but will you at least concede that from their point of view the FB post was at the least upsetting to them and they have the right to feel hurt that you would not consider whether or not their feelings would be hurt by seeing that?  And of course they’re going to say you just have to put up with it–that is what they have had to do for years! Because they don’t want to lose their relationship with their mother!!! You may not agree with it, but come on….and now you’re online smack-talking your FH’s kids….seriously, right or wrong, you need to make up with them, because in the end your FH will (and should) prioritize his relationship with his children over his relationship with you.

Post # 16
Member
1231 posts
Bumble bee

@halolover:  from your experience you should definately know you can’t reason with someone like that. She’s abusive and irrational. She is looking to get under your skin and has succeeded.

 

I know its hard to ignore the crazy actions of an insane person, but feeding into it only adds fuel to the fire. She is using your reaction to get her kids against you.

Don’t give the kids a reason to dislike you. By saying something about their mom, you are just giving them something to grab on to.Don’t take the bait she sets out. Your FH’s relationship with his kids will always be different from yours. You each need to work on your own relationships seperately before you can work on them together to become that happy family unit.

The kids grew up in an unstable household. Unfortunately that will most likely play a role in how they react to this whole fight betweeen the mom and you and your FH. Do your best to not feed in to it. Her behavior will never change.

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