(Closed) Advice on how to get back to waiting (long)

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Sounds to me like his mom has some serious attachment issues.. as in, it has nothing to do with YOU per se, but she doesn’t want anyone taking her baby away from her. That would explain the attention whoring and complete inability to let him go. Is he an only child?

On another note, why is she still financially supporting him in the first place? I’d advise getting out from under that first and foremost.. money never comes without strings attached. As long as she’s supporting him, she’s going to feel entitled to a say in his decisions. I imagine things will get worse before they get better as he starts laying down some boundaries and declaring himself completely independent from her, but that HAS to happen before you can get married or she’ll never let you have a normal relationship. Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Yikes. Makes sense. I guess you can’t expect her to change, he just has to figure out how to not let her manipulate him so much, or at least not let it interfere with the relationship. Unfortunatley she’s not going to change or go away so you guys have to find the right balance for how to be happy with each other while managing her at the sametime. :-/ Does he know how hurt you feel about what happened?

Post # 7
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

My advice to you is to concentrate in yourself for now. I can relate because I was in a rough patch with my boyfriend about 5 months ago and I was feeling very resentful towards him.

I took a step back, took a deep breath and concentrated on things to keep me busy and occupied. Time really helps. Just remind yourself of the special bond you have with your boyfriend. Time really makes things better and more special.

Someone once told me that a man loves a confident and independent woman. When you see your boyfriend, remind him of why he fell in love with you. Give him a big smile and be affectionate and in no time things will get better.

Hope it helps.

 

 

Post # 9
Member
1738 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@Tunacupcakes: While you are with him for him, and not his family, it’s clear his mother still has (or want to have) a great deal of hold over him.  There are many people with abusive parents out there who still have contact with them, and your Boyfriend or Best Friend is one of them.  He’s probably feeling a little stuck right now between two women he loves – his mom and you.  This is not an easy place to be.  Reardless of how crazy her behavior is to you (and I’m not saying to tolerate it past a certain point), he grew up with this – it’s almost “normal” for him.  This is hard for people from relatively normal families to understand, as I found out with my Boyfriend or Best Friend – he couldn’t understand why I put up with the crap I did from my family for years, and to me it was their “normal” and I must be the one who was broken for questioning it.  Add to that resentment my Boyfriend or Best Friend still feels years later for crazy things my bat-sh!t crazy father did trying to control me then by disowning me and later trying to make BOTH of look bad to my BF’s parents (we were still very young), and you’ve got a fun stew from which to try to maintain a relationship.

Don’t resent your Boyfriend or Best Friend for not being 100% sure right now about mentioning marraige – it sounds like he’s in a pretty bad place right now and needs to figure out if he owes you or his mother more consideration – and while that might sounds like and easy decision, it’s not (no offense to you – it’s his mom, though).  Don’t pull away, but don’t be afraid to do things you want, either. 

Are you feeling ambivalent towards your SO because of how his mother acted?  Did he defend you at all to her?  Does he try to excuse her behvior to you?  If you two DO move on towards getting amrried – be warned this woman will probably enjoy making a big drama queen extravaganza out of it – One reason my Boyfriend or Best Friend said he’s not looked forward to us getting married is he doesn’t want to deal with any of my family, and doens’t believe they’d behave and stay away if not invited.  Maybe your Boyfriend or Best Friend wants to feel better about your inlcusion into his famil before he wants to make that next step.  As for intimacy – yeah – you might need to “fake it until you make it” for a while – I hate to advocate that, but you might find that going with the motions doesn’t last that long and you’re more interested than you thought if you try.  Or, take a trip, the two of you, to a massage day spa, to a nearby town and just stay a night or two to shake things up and make the “mom” probelms loom less over you both.

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