Post # 1
I’m a very active member of the hive but have decided to write this post under a disgusied screen name to protect my identity. I feel like I’m going to get lot of back lash for this post, but I need to vent and hopefully get some CONSTRUCTIVE advice:
My wedding is quickly approching and it is time to order wedding invites, a subject I have not been looking forward to. Fiance and I are having a difficult time agreeing on the wording of how the invite should be. Here is a little background on our story:
Fiance and I have been together for 3 years and ever since day 1 his family has been less than fond of me. They are very condescending toward me but do it in a way that they can play it off and say I just misunderstood them. Fiance acknowledges that sometimes they are rude and over step the line of whats OK but also says that I’m hypersensitive when it comes to issues with his family. so it’s a sore subject. When we got engaged they were not happy and flat out told us we were too young (25 and 26- both out of college with great jobs), rushing things, and were making a mistake. I was livid, fiance was hurt but took the attitude that everyone was entitled to their own opinion and that their opinion didn’t really matter as he planned to marry me regardless of their thoughts. Things got worse and worse between the family and I and we pretty much no longer even speak. Fiance hates it but he finally understands that I’m doing what is right for me and doing what I have to do to keep my sanity.
Now back to the problem at hand. Right after we got engaged one of the earliest disagreements between his mother and I occured when she came out of left field and told me that I “had better not try to slight her in this wedding”. I asked what she meant and she stated she had better get a dance with her son, inlcuded in the program, and introduced at the reception. I had no problems with any of this and told her it was nothing she needed to worry about that all of that would occur. THen she threw in that she also needed to be put on the invitation as a hosting along with my parents, and not doing so would offend her. I said I didn’t know how my parents would feel about that being that they were putting up close to 25 grand for the wedding while she was only paying for alcohol ($3000 tops). She got really hostile and said “well its tradition for the brides family to pay- you shouldn’t expect me to pay more”. I shot back with “well you are right it is tradition for the brides family to pay and HOST so you shouldn’t expect to listed as a host”. We bickered and fiance stepped in and said “We will cross the bridge when we get to it”.
The bridge is here and I wanna burn it down! Fiance thinks it’s only right for his parents to be listed and we agreed on “Mr & Mrs Smith request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter Bride to Groom son of Mr & Mrs Crazy Pants”- I didn’t like it but I agreed to it to make Fiance happy. Naturally this wasn’t good enough for his parents and she flipped out stating that I’m disrespect and brainwashing her son. So I told her that since she isn’t emotionally supporting our marriage and barely financially contributing to the wedding she didn’t need to be listed at all. Fiance got mad at his mom and the situation and sort of took it out on me and said I needed to figure it out on my own cause he’s done talking about it.
As I stated they have never been supportive and aren’t even coming up with 1/4 of what my parents are so being listed as hosts is out of the question. I’m angry- and to be honest I don’t want his parents names on my inviations. I don’t think they deserve to be and I’ll admit to being a little diva-ish here but now it’s just the principal. I told my fiance I wasn’t going to put their names on them at all and his exact response “I Love you and want you to do what makes you happy- I don’t care anymore but you have to live by this decision so make sure you are sure”.
I feel like it was a guilt trip- but it’s really not working I still want to leave them off- guess I’m just a little scared Fiance will be upset that I wasn’t the bigger person.
What would you Bees do?
PS- My writing style may give away my true identity but if you figure it out please don’t “Out” me…. i would be super embarassed!
Post # 3
well you are right it is tradition for the brides family to pay and HOST so you shouldn’t expect to listed as a host”.
for me this is the response that i would have had as well
Mr & Mrs Smith request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter Bride to Groom son of Mr & Mrs Crazy Pants”-
again for me this is what i would go with
although i get on with my inlaws ive heard many times if you dont stand up for yourself at the beginning it wont get any better after the marriage so as long as you and your Fiance are united in this then hold the line together and dont let your Future Mother-In-Law bully you
Post # 4
Ugh, not a fun situation. I voted to do it as you originally had it. You can still be able to say that she was included on the invite (not slighted), wasn’t listed as a host because they’re not hosting, and if this was the way Fiance wanted it in the first place/made him happy, he shouldn’t be upset about it if/when she throws a fit. If she throws a hissy fit about it, she’ll be the one looking ridiculous, since her name is still on the invite. And if she’s complaining to people that she’s not listed as a host, it’ll be interesting to see what she comes up with to rationalize $25k = $3k. Like you’d mentioned, “being the bigger person” isn’t what you want to do, and sticking it to her would feel great, but sometimes it might be best to smooth things over just a bit. You could think of it as being respectful of FI’s wishes, NOT doing it for her.
Post # 6
I am not trying to be flippant or make light of your Father-In-Law situation, but it really just is a piece of paper that people will eventually throw away; I think your Fiance came up with a good compromise. As someone who has had past boyfriends with mothers that did not like me at all (one even said she hated me because I was of a different race than her son), I can understand it probably bugs the hell out of you that you would have to do anything to please Future Mother-In-Law, especially when it sounds like your parents are being very generous. Maybe with this you just have to suck it up and have their name on the invite.
Post # 7
I would put their names on there to state their relationship to your fiance…at the very bottom of the invite in a size 2 font.
Post # 8
I’m in a somewhat similar boat. (Some background: My parents are divorced- mom is in a steady job, has savings, etc.; dad is in and out of work and barely makes ends meet. My FI’s parents were also divorced. His mom was also quite poor and out of work because of disability and then passed away just after our 1st year of dating. His father is retired but his company claimed bankrupcy and his retirement funding was cut down to about 15% of what it was supposed to be, which has made him very… selective, shall we say, about money.)
Of course we weren’t expecting anything specifically from either of our parents and figured we’d just try to save what we could and budget from there. Then my mom blew us away when she told us she’d give us $10k for the wedding to spend how we wanted. We were hoping for at least something from my FI’s father as well, but he has made no mention or even hint that he will be contributing. At all. He likes me and supports our marriage so I know it’s not personal, he’s just being stingy is all I can tell. My Fiance thinks that he will either just not give us anything, or that he’ll sweep in at the last minute and make a “grand gesture” at the end, once we’ve made all our decisions frugally. Meanwhile, the wedding itself aside, he hasn’t even made mention of hosting the rehearsal dinner which is traditionally the groom’s parent’s responsibility. My mom is freaking because she knows we’re already on a tight budget but she wants to make this rehearsal happen but she can’t budget and or help me figure out who needs to be invited to that (we have a fair amount of out or town family that we’d love to include) until she knows if/how much he’ll contribute.
All that being said- we have to order our invites soon and I’m having the same dilemma- I want to list my mom on the invite since she’s putting up a huge chunk of money and probably even more than her original offer, but I also dont’ want to isolate my dad just because his situation won’t allow him to contribute or offend my FI’s dad by not listing him, even if he is not contributing. The best we’ve come up with so far is to say “Bride & Groom, together with our parents, invite you to…” and then I’ll be sure to do a very special acknowledgement and thanks to my mom during the speeches at our reception.
I feel your pain, girl.
(And sorry this was so long! It just feels good to write it out to someone who can relate!)
Post # 9
I chose “go with the original option” My $0.02: FMIL has already made herself look ridiculously bratty…and be thankful that Fiance has expressed that he wants you to do what will make you happy. If I were you, the next time you talk to Future Mother-In-Law about it, avoid comparing finances at all…focus on the “tradition” (since that’s the card she wants to pull). Tell Fi / Future Mother-In-Law that it isn’t about minimizing or “slighting” the CrazyPants…it’s about honoring the generosity of your parents and their role as host. If she wants to throw “supposed to”s into the mix, then technically, the invitation is SUPPOSED TO be the way you presented it. At least her name’s on there.
I can vouch firsthand what eloping said: if you don’t stand your ground now, the overstepping will only get worse as things go on.
Post # 10
I really feel for you, I’d go with the wording you feel most comfortable with. But are you okay, I mean, do you feel happy enough marrying someone who doesn’t take your side automatically infront of his family?
Post # 11
I voted for the wording of Groom XXXXX, son of Mr and Mrs XXXXX – that’s what we used on our invitations and it seemed to be the most inclusive and made the most sense to me at the time (who was hosting etc… didn’t play into it)
I think it’s a fair compromise and I think you should just do it. I’m sure she’ll find plenty more to flip out about but keep standing up for yourself and keep the communication open with your Fiance so that you present a united front. I’m so sorry your Future Mother-In-Law is such a wackadoo – I’d share mine if I could – she’s a gem and everyone should have the same blessing. I feel for you!
Post # 12
There are people who think the invitation should include them in whatever way they’ve always seen them done,namely, both parents listed. Most aren’t aware of anything wedding etiquette related until they are in the midst of planning one.
When we were doing my daughter’s invitations and I was speaking to FSIL’s SM, she told me they were paying for the rehearsal dinner,somehow thinking I needed to know that for their inclusion on them. As far as I was concerned, that isn’t contributing to the wedding itself as it’s a seperate event. FSIL’s Mom & SF didn’t contribute anything either, so our invitations had just the parents of the bride on them (us). I honestly didn’t care what they thought.
In your case, since your Future Mother-In-Law IS contributing to an actual wedding expense (alcohol), I’d include her in the way you’ve decided. Will your parents REALLY be insulted or upset if her name is included? Probably not, especially knowing what kind of tenuous relationship you have with his family. I don’t think the amount is what matters in comparison, but rather that she’s helping defray some expenses. I’d be grateful for the help,especially when so many others get none.
In the scheme of things, I think everyone will get over it no matter how you have them printed. Good luck!
Post # 13
@Needs Advice: Man, this blows. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I actually think that there are three separate issues coming into play here: 1) Your relationship with your inlaws is strained (to put it lightly), 2) your FH isn’t backing you, and 3) the invitation wording has your inlaws all bent out of shape.
I don’t think that 3 would be such an issue if it weren’t for 1 and 2. My inlaws are paying for our wedding dinner (which is taking the place of the rehearsal because we’re having our reception the next day). They have NO idea how much money my parents are giving my FH and I and it’s significantly more then what the dinner is costing (I’m really grateful for what they are doing. I’m just putting this out there) I have a good relationship with them and they are being supportive (both emotionally, which is more important IMO- and financially), so I gave them “equal billing” on the invitation to the reception. My parents were fine with this because of the above. Your inlaws are NOT being supportive and are on the attack thinking that you’re going to slight them at every turn. If they play the tradition card, you just play it back (your response above is genius). To me, you’re being the bigger person here. Stand your ground on the wording that you and your FH came up with. It makes the most sense.
1 and 2 are the most difficult to deal with. I really think that it’s a cop out for your FH to just throw this at you to deal with because “he’s done talking about it”. His family are the ones causing the problems so he should be taking the lead on this. It doesn’t matter if he’s tired of dealing with it; it has to be done. The invitations are going to be the least of your problems if he doesn’t start having your back because there are a lot more decisions (wedding-related and otherwise) that are going to have his family up in arms and you guys need to present a united front.
In terms of the first problem, I don’t know what to say. I’m really sorry that your inlaws are not being supportive and are really being cruel. It must be really difficult to always be the “bad guy”. The only thing that I can say is to keep being rational and limit your exposure. Try to REALLY get your FH onside. Of course you’re being “overly sensitive” with regards to them. When you just try to print invitations, they think that you’re trying to slight them and YELL at you about it. I think that you have a reason for feeling this way…and, at the very least, your FH needs to understand that (validate your feelings, even if he doesn’t agree with them) and work with you.
Post # 14
Are they hosting the rehearsal because that is “traditionally” what the groom’s family contributes? If they are you can totally come off as the bigger person while still not having them listed as hosts on your main invite by saying they will certainly be listed as a host on the invite to the rehearsal!
I did vote to go with what you originally chose – listing them as the parents of your fi. I know this situation sucks, but you would still be standing your ground (because that’s what you proposed) without looking like you’re being a diva.
PS – I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can’t imagine what it is like to get that kind of crap from your future inlaws!
Post # 15
Couldt you just say something like: Bride and Groom have chosen to begin their new life together on such-and-such day, time, etc. You are invited to join in celebrating their joy… blah blah blah I know then your parents aren’t on the invite as hosts BUT if they don’t care adn are wlling to let you do that for the good of familly relationships, maybe this woudl be a good route.
Post # 16
I really like the “Mr & Mrs Smith request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter Bride to Groom son of Mr & Mrs Crazy Pants”. Your parents are paying and hosting, your parents should NOT have the spotlight taken from them. If Mrs. Crazy doesn’t like it then she can pay for the invitations her way. this would probably not be a good idea but I would completely leave her out and say “my parents are paying so they designed the invitations, if you don’t like it you can take it up with my parents and pay for the change”.