(Closed) Advice on living with a Man.

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

Re: shopping– this is something you REALLY need to work out before you get married. Disagreements on finances are a big stressor. I think you should sit down together and talk about common goals for saving and where you want your money to go, then agree on a set amount per month that each of you has for “fun money” to be spent however you want without question. For you it’ll probably be clothes. For him it might be video games or electronics or he might choose not to spend it at all. But having an agreement about it before will keep there from being little arguments every time you buy a $30 pair of pants. 

Re: living together- I think a lot of it is trial and error… but its most important to remember that it is your house TOGETHER, so both opinions count. There are some little things my Fiance does that bugs me, but its just not worth it to mention ya know? Like how he always spills his tea and coffee on the counter so EVERY morning it is sticky. It is easier to just wipe it up than bring it up. But bigger stuff like agreeing on who is going do what in terms of chores is way more important to agree on. 

Post # 4
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Well on the money issue, I think it is about him respecting your right to spend money that you contribute to. He may not spend a lot on clothes, but i’m sure he spends money other places. I think it’s about communication, and you could specifically have a conversation where you tell him your fears about the spending, and about his possible judgement. Perhaps if you have a savings goal in mind, you could set a budget, or roll over spending money into separate accounts individually so you can buy clothes from that without having to explain anything?

As far as living with a guy goes, that was a really easy transition for us. My husband is pretty clean and didn’t have a lot of “man” crap around the house. I didn’t feel like I was moving into a man cave. Since I was just graduated from grad school and had no good furniture to speak of, it was actually really great to move in with him and have the beautiful sectional couch, huge flat screen, awesome platform bed, etc etc. If you have lots of issues with chores or cleanliness, the best advice I can give is COMMUNICATE! Let him know how you feel, and open the doors to compromise. Everything will be ok as long as you guys can talk (and laugh) about what is happening 🙂

Post # 5
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I just pick my battles like you said. However some things I will defiantely say something about and if it pisses me off enough i’ll put a post it up lol. Like leaving the toilet seat up…. that got a post it which said “put me down” they get the picture without you actually having to say something, and sometimes for my guy a visual reminder like that works better than me saying something.

As to your wardrobe issue. I don’t know if this would be an option for you but Fiance and I have seperate closets lol. Mine is in the master and his is in the spare room. He thinks I go shopping to much as well and thinks i’m a shoe addict, so as horrible as this sounds I just sneak in my new stuff lol! I know it sounds horrible but honestly I think he spends wayyy to much on coffee and eating out during the week! I can’t really stop that so w.e. When Fiance asks me if something is new when I’m wearing i’ll just be like ohhh I picked it up a little bit ago it’s cute though right. They get over it! As long as you can pay your bills, keep a little in savings, and still have enough to do things shopping every now and then isn’t a big deal!

Post # 6
Member
7695 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

Learning to live with a guy, especially your future husband, isnt something that will come easy at first! You will go through trial and error with things and figure out what works best for the two of you. One person’s advice may not work the same way for you. My biggest suggestion would be to choose your battles wisely, try not to sweat the small stuff, compromise and make sacrifices, speak to each other kindly, learn that your man isnt perfect as a roommate but neither are you, give each other space when needed and just enjoy each other’s company!

Post # 8
Member
7499 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

@SoontobeMsL:

 

I’d say if the wet towel thing is his worst bad habit, he’s a keeper!

I agree, money is a big source of trouble & divorce so it’s crucial to work that through.

My FH’s worst habit it putting crap on my kitchen counter.  Everything ends up there.  The stuff actually multiplies when you aren’t looking, I swear.

Post # 9
Member
2829 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

re money: You could always keep your finances separate, then he wouldn’t have to worry about it at all — or conversely, you could both agree to put a certain percentage of your personal earnings towards a joint savings that is not to be touched by either of you except when making big purchases, like a house, or a car you will share etc. The remaining earnings could then be divided between bills etc, then what you are left with is yours to spend as you wish.

I agree that the shopping issue is something you guys need to hash out before you get married & before you move in. You might find it interesting to ask him what he would consider an ‘appropriate’ amount of money/ items to be bought per month or per year and go from there as to what your idea of ‘appropriate’ amount would be.

Does he have any spending habits (outside of clothes) that could be considered ‘wasteful’? I’m not trying to say start a fight, but if he say for example goes out and buys two 10$ dvds every day that adds up — and really how many movies do you need? (my partner used to do this and it can be terribly frustrating).

Just take a good look at BOTH of your spending habits, try and work out a budget, set savings goals & etc, and hopefully you will be able to work something out amiably.

As for general all around advice, be patient. And then be MORE patient. Often it is a learning experience for them as well, especially if they have only ever lived with other men, or the only women they lived with were their mothers or sisters. A lot of men just don’t understand the dynamic as much as it can be confusing for women as well.

One thing that really works for my partner & I are having ‘house rules’ now it may sound childish, but it really helps provide guidelines and boundaries. One of the big ones is that we share the work, cooking, dishes, laundry, cleaning the bathroom– it always alternates so that one person isn’t left holding the bag feeling like they are the only one ‘working’ around the house. Another one for us is putting things away & not randomly leaving things everywhere — for me I have a bad habit of leaving tea cups & books around randomly, for my partner it’s dirty socks and the things that come out of their pockets after work.

Post # 10
Member
1506 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I’ve been living with my guy for almost 3 years now. The #1 thing I’ve learned is that “picking your battles” doesn’t always necessarily work. I would completely recommend dropping an argument if it’s not really that important to you, but that doesn’t mean that once you do put up a stink about something that he will immediately say “hunny, thanks for not picking that battle with me last tuesday, I’ll let you have this one, and I’ll start putting the toilet seat down”. Guys just don’t think that way. If something really bothers me I’ve learned that I need to keep thinking about new ways to approach my guy about it. If yelling doesn’t work, try joking. If joking doesn’t work try giving him a dose of his own medecine, and on and on until either he gets the point or you get over it.

As far as the shopping issue. I’d really recommend sitting down and doing a budget together. You probably spend close to the same amount of money, just on different things. Looking at it in black and white really helps, and even if you do spend more, showing your hubby that you are keeping within your budget and spending reasonably should get him to back off a bit.

Post # 11
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

My only advice is to be prepared that any “little” relationship disagreements/issues you might have now will likely just be magnified when you move in together.. like maybe now, you’ll disagree about something over the phone, then say “goodnight!” and go to bed in separate residences.. when you live together, no more running away or avoiding tough conversations. It’s a transition but you’ll be fine!

Post # 12
Member
1995 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

As far as clothing and spending – maybe work out a budget of what you’ve been used to spending and what you expect now that you’ll be married, saving, wedding etc.  I know you like many like to shop a lot but what about donating old clothes when buying new ones?  That way you won’t accumulate too much “stuff” and it keeps you on top of all the stuff you may not need!  Having to explain yourself after all the clothing purchases will be impossible to a guy – they don’t realize there are 4 seasons of clothing!  Which, if you think about it isn’t really necessary.  I mean we live in a very material world and I’m sure you can get a grip on what’s more important to the marriage – new boots or a downpayment or savings for kids!

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