(Closed) Advice on MIL and kosher venue please!!(long post)

posted 6 years ago in Jewish
Post # 3
Member
9139 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Stick to your guns and remain a united front with your FH and your parents.  It sounds like you all are willing to make some compromise and she’s not.  Have one final discussion which would really be you, your FH, and your parents pretty much informing her that you will do some kosher and some non-kosher.  Then drop the topic and make it off limits for further discussion; at this point she still thinks it’s a two sided discussion so she will continue to argue her case.  Tell her the food/catering is booked and the contracts are signed so that no changes can be made.  That way she can move on from the topic to annoy you on another one.  Wink

Post # 4
Member
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

She’s not paying for it=she has no say!!! Stick to your guns and have a non-kosher wedding-especially as she doesn’t practice kosher outside of the house. It sounds like a ridiculous request and like she’s just trying to be a pain. My Mother-In-Law tried to insist we had to serve fish during our wedding as their family would be “fasting” and not able to eat chicken/beef. We put our foot down and said no way-it’s one meal and they could just eat the vegetarian entree. Do what YOU want to do!

Post # 5
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@beachbride1216:  Yes, this.

 

Conversely, I find that when my fiancee’s mother says “It’s not REALLY Catholic when…” (we’re a same sex couple) it’s useful to get my parish priest on board, who thank goodness is liberal, to call and talk to her.   

Maybe your Rabbi can have an open discussion with Future Mother-In-Law and tell her it’s okay and not disrespectful to Judaism to have some kosher food and some non kosher, or adversely have a kosher option for those who require it as an option on your menu/buffet.  I find bringing in the religious “guns” helps 😀

 

Post # 6
Member
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

What does kosher style mean?  Whatever that is, it might be a good compromise.

Honeslty, I think you should think about your guests besides your Future Mother-In-Law.  If many of the guests are kosher and will not eat non-kosher food than I think you should do a kosher wedding. 

Post # 7
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Beckster329:  I believe Kosher style refers to no foods served that would be against Kosher (no dairy mixing with meat, no shellfish/pork, etc.) but without the blessing of a Rabbi on the food and the kitchen preparing it.  That is where the extra cost of a Kosher meal comes in: the kitchen preparing it must be certified Kosher Pareve by a local Rabbi.  Many venues in NYC (Brooklyn and Queens) have this option, as they have grills and/or stoves that are just for preparing kosher, but the price IS always higher due to the schematics. (I know this because I used to work for a Jewish woman for a long time and had Jewish friends growing up)

Even if there’s going to be only half kosher keeping guests, ordering half the food for them and having it delivered would save the OP more money than doing it all kosher. Would it be more stressful? Heck yeah, which is why I can see where her Fiance is coming from. It really depends on how strict her guests are, and what the split is.

Post # 8
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@nycdesigner85:  

I do sort of understand her point. It’s not just going out to dinner, it’s the reception after a religious ceremony. I can see how, emotionally, these are two different things to her. (And if she goes to the trouble of keeping Kosher at home, I suspect it’s a little more meaningful to her than “Oh, I was just raised that way,” even if she doesn’t talk about it.)

I don’t know what kind of compromise you could make on this. If this is really important to her, would she be willing to pick up the extra cost of Kosher catering? If she was willing to pay the extra, would you and your Fiance be willing to agree to it, if it’s that important to her? (I assume nobody has objections to the food being Kosher, just the extra cost.)

Post # 9
Member
989 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@nycdesigner85:   After some discussions with my future mother in law, she said she wouldnt be happy with kosher style, but would settle for it. 

It sounds like you already reached a compromise…?

Post # 10
Member
1301 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@nycdesigner85:  I kind of understand where she is coming from. I am catholic and I recently went to a wedding on a Friday where they had a catholic church wedding ceremony and then served everyone roast beef. Forgoing meat on a friday is something that is part of the religion and it just struck me as an odd thing to do, (I don’t normally eat meat on friday). I think kosher style sounds fair to everyone. 
I hope it works out for you 🙂 Good luck with your wedding!
 

Post # 11
Member
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Elvis:  I agree… I’m hindu and my mom has already mentioned that we shouldnt serve meat at our wedding. I totally see her point and to a certain extent I agree with her. I never eat meat on a religious day.

But I have explained to her that the reception is a celebration for the guests and we will be hosting guests from various religions (Heck! Fiance is Christian and very much a meat eater) so we will cater for different palates. I have however told her that I will not be eating any meat myself and that seems to have calmed her down. There will be plenty of vegetarian food available to cater, not only for the lifestyle vegetarians, but also for the religious vegetarians.

Are there guests for whom kosher style may not really be good enough? The answer to this may determine what you should do. You can’t exactly not cater for people who do keep strictly kosher…

Post # 12
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

You’re not going to like what I have to say – sorry in advance!  If you are paying for your own wedding, then you have every right to do it the way that you want.  Often times within the Jewish culture, the parents split the cost of the wedding.  That’s where it gets tricky – and you have to make compromises because it’s not only your day but it is theirs too.  I have stuck to my guns on a few occasions but in the name of a good relationship for the next 50 years without dreading seeing my-inlaws, I have comprised (although not on this topic because I too believe that a kosher meal is what is appropriate at  a wedding). 

As a Jewish bride myself getting married next year, I faced the exact same debacle.  My family does not keep kosher and his does (and does not outside the house).  I ended up forgoing my dream venue because they wanted $400 a plate for kosher food and had it at a syngagogue, where I plan on draping the whole thing and making it look stunning.  I have no regrets – because I also think that a simcha should have kosher food.  I know that it is hypocritical but I think that it is important because it is a momentous, JEWISH occasion.  But, this it totally up to you.  I went against my in-laws wishes to have an Orthodox rabbi (especially since we’re not Orthodox).  If she is really upset and is going to harbor resentment – it’s not worth it (trust me).  Is there not another venue that you could check out that could accomodate your taste and have a kosher kitchen?

Post # 14
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@nycdesigner85:  I had a difficult time finding a Rabbi to officiate at a non-kosher wedding. We did Kosher style, had kosher brought in for those who wanted it, and still had a few rabbis refuse. Start your search early!!

Post # 15
Member
4192 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

Kosher style sounds like the perfect compromise. Since she’s not contributing, your Future Mother-In-Law really doesn’t have a say in the menu. Since she eats non-Kosher outside of the home and doesn’t belong to a synagogue, it does some hypocritical for her to want this added expense.

Post # 16
Member
216 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

So I actually agree with a lot of things you said: @daughterdearest: 

I was raised conservative in a family that kept kosher (we went out to eat at non-kosher restaurants but avoided pork/shellfish and tried to avoid mixing meat and dairy). My husband and his family do not keep kosher at all.

It was very important to us that our wedding be kosher so that our rabbi could celebrate with us, as well as several guests that keep kosher. Our wedding was actually dairy/fish and all of the food was AMAZING. We picked our venue around where our caterer could work (she catered my bat mitzvah!)

My Fiance told me that he thinks his mom is being ridiculous and that food shouldnt be important since she is not really kosher.

I’m not offended by Jews who choose not to keep kosher, but I find it to be very weird when I attend Jewish weddings or bar/bat mitzvahs and there is bacon or shellfish on the menu. Food is such an integral part of Jewish culture that I do think it’s disrespectful of going through the trouble of a Jewish ceremony and then disregarding dietary customs.

In terms of your situation, if you don’t have guests or officiants that require strict kashrut then I think you would be fine having a kosher-style meal.

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