Post # 1
I need some advice. I am 16 weeks pregnant with my first baby. Today, my sister found out at her 12 week ultrasound that she has lost her baby. We were due a month apart and this loss was completely unexpected.
I don’t know what to say or how to help her. I know to just be there for her but I feel like with me being pregnant, I just don’t want to say/do the wrong thing. I think I need some advice from Bees who have experienced a loss in the past. How would you have felt with your sister still expecting, while you went through this dreadful loss and grief? What would you have wanted from your sister at this time?
Any advice would be appreciated.
Post # 2
I actually went through this. My sister was due two months after me and I found out I miscarried when I was 12 weeks along. I was heartbroken.
I am the kind of person who needs to grieve alone. I locked myself in my room for weeks and honestly didn’t want to do anything or be around anyone. My guess is that your sister may feel a lot of pain watching your healthy pregnancy and a lot of pain when you have your baby. I had to leave the room when I went to visit my sister after birth because I was so broken up.
Try to help your sister find closure. I had a feeling that my child was a girl. So I named her… And I wrote her a letter telling her how much I loved her and how much I wanted her. And I held a “funeral” with my immediate family and a couple of my closest friends. I think that was what helped me move on and find a will to live again.
I’m so sorry for your sister. I know how painful it is to lose a child before you even get to hold them… My thoughts are with her and you in this difficult time.
Post # 3
ren89: Thank you for sharing your story. Your advice was very helpful and I will suggest your ideas when my sister is ready to hear them. I can’t even imagine the pain you went though, and what she is going through now. Life can deal some cruel blows 🙁
Post # 4
PinkTeapot: yes it can. I hope your sister has a very supportive husband or SO during this too. I think having that support would have made it a little easier to move on. Thank God she at the very least has a loving and caring sister. Remember to tell her you love her… they are powerful words in a time of brokenness.
Post # 5
PinkTeapot: Be there for your sister without being overbearing. For example, drop over a dinner, send her texts etc letting her know you are thinking of her. I assume she’ll need a D&C and they are scary. She probably won’t be thinking about cooking for a while. When I had my MC people didn’t know what to do and left me alone. I’ll never forget the thoughtfulness of the coworker who left food at my doorstep!!
Re the timing, its shitty and she will experience stages of grief as you normally would after a loss. My sis found out she was pregnant 2 months after my mc and my friend had the same timeline as me. I felt an irrational anger (why were theirs ok and my LO wasn’t). It’s still hard seeing my sis pregnant and it’s 7 months later. I’m just preparing you for how she may feel (even though shell never let you know!!). Having said that I feel like I will always have a special bond with my friends LO. She’ll always remind me (in a good way) of my LO.
Post # 6
I have been struggling, had a loss last year, and an early mc this year and am now almost 7 weeks pregnant. My cousin (like a sister to me) is 3 mos with her second. We are super close and if I have another loss this time I will be devastated, and I might be a little sad being around her at first but I’m still really happy for her and can’t wait to meet her newest addition. It’s a hard line to walk when dealing with loss and trying to be happy for others that are having healthy babies. I’m also going on vacation next week with a close friend that is a month and a half ahead of me. I have an u/s scheduled for tomorrow just so I know where I’m at. My last mc was at 8 weeks so I’m terrified that it will happen again any time now. Going on vaca with my pregnant friend would be the hardest part. Just be supportive but understanding if she needs some time to herself.
Post # 7
I’ll echo what PP have said. Be there for her, especially without expecting the contact to be reciprocated for a while. She may appreciate a comforting text from you, while not having the heart to write back. Depending on how the mc went, whether there’s a D&C, etc, meals would probably be nice too. I’d suggest dropping them off with her husband, though. Seeing you might be awfully rough at first.
You seem like you really care about her, so let her know that. Let her talk about it…how it’s unfair, frightening, how she misses her baby. And, if she doesn’t want to see you in person for a while, try not to take it personally…it’ll fade. As long as she knows you’re there for whenever she’s ready, that will be comforting. Her husband may need the help from you to know how to help her, as well.
I don’t know what your religious beliefs are, but it was very comforting for me, as a Catholic, to be reminded that my child is up in heaven and is a little saint that can pray for me and will be waiting for me until I get to be there too. When a friend first reminded me of that it was awfully painful but it was comforting at the same time, and remains so. Just a thought, which you can tweak to fit yours and her religious views if it’s applicable.
Also, remember that while this will seem to pass quickly for everyone else, for her it won’t. Especially when she’s pregnant again, it will be twice as scary because now she’ll be worried about every little twinge, and losing another one. Support and love then will be very important also.