(Closed) Advice on preparing to live together once married

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
302 posts
Helper bee

keep in mind that socks on  floor or unwashed dishes are not a deal breaker, compromise is key, figure out what kind of expectations your significant other has of a wife. My husband for example is very much into gender roles, 1950s style, and so am I but I didn’t know that in the beginning, it worked out well, but I don’t think it would’ve worked out with another girl. 

Post # 3
Member
1027 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

We didn’t live together until marriage either…. GRACE is huge. Respect eachother and realize you need to compromise on some things. Relax and enjoy it! It was scary for us, but getting better now that we are getting in a routine.

Post # 4
Member
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

Come up with some expectations about who does what around the house at the beginning, unless you want all housework and cooking to default to you. Since I seem to recall that you and your fiancé have the same full time career, I don’t think that would be a good balance in your situation.

Post # 5
Member
4010 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I agree with others who said decide who takes over which household responsibilities. My husband and I didn’t live together before marriage either, but because we dated for 6 years we knew each other’s quirks already. You’ll both have to learn and compromise what must be done a certain way and what can be worked out between the two of you. For example, my husband hates having lights on in a room you’re not physically in. He fusses everytime I forget to turn them off. That was a little quirk of his that I didn’t mind adapting to because at the end of the day it wasn’t that big of a deal. Learning to pick your battles is huge. 

Post # 6
Member
400 posts
Helper bee

A lot depends on age and personality, I think. I’m a person who is able to adapt to others in my space pretty easily, and I learned through multiple relationships how to pick battles. My Fiance had only had two serious relationships at 29 (one live in) and was very accustomed to having his own space. The first six months or so were pretty rocky. 

Just remember it will take time to get acquainted with each other’s habits. Try some different means of getting chores divided and see what works best. (FI wanted a chore chart, which I found too roommate-y, I subscribe to the “If you see it needs done, do it” school of thought). Figure out each others’ strengths. Once Fiance delegated the finances to me, a lot of fights stopped because it was a stress he didn’t enjoy and he’d wanted to hand them over for a while. He makes a large portion of the income and I felt uncomfortable at first handling what I saw as “his” money, but after many talks I realized he truly saw it as “ours” and would rather I just tell him what his spending allowance is than have to manage it himself. 

I would discuss things like pets, too…if you want them as a precursor to kids, or just pets, what kind? Who will do what? Do you agree on how to care for them, whether to spend thousands in an emergency or not, etc.? I would have thought this was silly, but we had a lot of discussions about these things before bringing our dogs in (he already had a cat) and it made a big difference. 

A lot of things will probably irritate you both at first because you are used to doing things your own way in your own space. Remember to step back, breathe and decide if him throwing dirty laundry on top of clean or not remembering to put up the ironing board in the morning is really the hill you want to die on. I always ask myself: “Will this matter tomorrow? Next week? Next year?” And then tailor my response to that. 

Post # 7
Member
9520 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

compromise is key. Have you had a roommate?

Post # 8
Member
5867 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

View original reply
liaeona:  Have you lived with roomates before?  I didn’t live with my DH before marriage, but we both had a lot of experience living with roommates.  This was VERY useful, for me at least, because it helped me learn my own living style and what qualities I needed in a roommate.  If I had only ever lived with my parents moving out would have been a WAY bigger shock.  

When I first moved out of my parents house I learned, for example, that not everyone washes their dishes immedietly after finishing eating.  That is bizzare to me and would never have stood in my house.  I learned that in order to be a happy roomie I cannot live with someone who let’s their dishes pile up in the sink.  I also know from another roommate experince that living with a pack rat would drive me nuts eventually as I need to be in an uncluttered space.  On the positive side, I learned that I’m not sensitive about noise.  

Anyway, I think that having some experience living with others can help each of you determine your living styles and pick out what may be the difficult points for the two of you.  If you guys have that experience then you can each talk about it and see what you value in your home environment.  If you don’t have that experience, maybe talk about how things are run in your current homes and what you’d like to keep the same/change about them.  

I’m fortunate that I happen to have fallen in love with a man who is also a great roommate fit for me!  We’ve just passed 1 year of living together and it’s been an easy and delightful adjustment.  

Post # 9
Member
1386 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

We lived together before we got married, but honestly we had zero issues. Even before we lived together we already knew how the other was so it really wasn’t a surprise. We honestly didn’t have any discussions – everything just fell into place. 

Post # 11
Member
831 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

View original reply
liaeona:  we didn’t live together before marriage, and I LOVED how special it was that we were married and everything was new 🙂 You will love it! 

Post # 12
Member
497 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

View original reply
liaeona:  It will be weird but I promise you will love it! Just remember that there will be things that he does that will bother you, and there will be things you do that bother him. Love is patient and love is kind. Good luck!

Post # 13
Member
486 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

Same situation here! I’ve never lived with a dude before, and Fiance and I don’t spend the night either. However, I’ve always had a roommate. We both agree this will be the greatest challenge as newlyweds… especially as our first apartment is 500 sq ft–yikes!

The clutter factor is what has me worried– I’m SUPER anal about keeping my living spaces clutter free, putting away laundry as soon as it’s washed, and, just like PP, putting my dishes straight in the dishwasher. Him on the other hand… well he’s a guy. He’s always telling me to stop doing the dishes and come snuggle.

Post # 14
Member
319 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

One thing i remember my BFF telling me is “pick your battles”. That’s essential because there will be times when they drive you crazy but it’s not always necessary to have a confrontation. 

View original reply
reptilelvr:  +1 Grace is huge

Post # 15
Member
9575 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Just know that there will be an adjustment period. You might snip at each other more than usual. Everyone has their way of doing things in a home and you’ll need to figure out what you’ll be doing his, yours, and a new way. It just takes time and patience and forgiveness. Lots of forgiveness. And communication. You tell him what you cant stand, and let him tell you with out a meltdown. 

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