(Closed) Advice on regaining face when you've gone BSC?

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 61
Member
2331 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

AshlingRae:  All I am reading is “hope to”, “may”, “might like”… In other words, not a lot that is concrete after five years. If you’re happy with that then that’s fine, but it really doesnt’ seem like you are and all we are trying to do is try to provide an objective perspective. 

And I’m really curious why you need to get a sense of pride back if you’re not embarrassed? That’s entirely contradictory

Post # 63
Member
8584 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

AshlingRae:  

I’m glad you don’t sound/feel as cross as you were before OP, when pp’s were saying he didn’t  sound remotely ready for marriage, not even able  to promise ‘someday’ without talking about ‘ “who knows what life may bring”  etc .

At he risk of making you angry again, it does seem to me , as  it does to many of us , that  this is a man  not anywhere near committing to  marriage, despite  the years of being together , but that you are ready  and  indeed in the  Waiting section of a wedding site as a pp  pointed out. .  

If you are happy or at least content to live with this mismatch for an indefinite time , then so be it OP, that is of course one choice . A very  hard choice , one in which I think you will have to regularly school yourself not to get resentful. Also to be terribly careful not to  have another  ‘ not-begging’ misunderstanding happen .

What will you do? Never,  ever  bring  it up  again  and wait for the moment  – and not a moment before – that he thinks he he might be ready and is  sure life has not  brought  him anything to throw it off track?  Hmmm …

Ot maybe  put marriage out of your mind completely and continue as bf and gf for pretty much ever? Not impossible of course , many have  done it happily.  Can you,  do you think?  

Post # 65
Member
11574 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

I feel like you’re hoping to convince him that you don’t feel the way you feel. This is problematic because while I hear you saying you have other things going on, you’re in the waiting section of a wedding site and it’s been bothering you for some time, per your other post. 

Why is it so important to hide these feelings from him? 

Post # 67
Member
2002 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

AshlingRae:  You keep back peddleing, you don’t want to face what you are being told here and I don’t blame you, I’m sure it’s painful. However you’re setting yourself up for more pain. 5 years and he “can’t make you any promises”?  The way to get your pride back is to move out and go after the life you want. I’m sorry!

Post # 69
Member
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

elderbee:  Exactly. My fiancé wasn’t ready for marriage at 23 after we’d been dating for five years either, but neither was I. 

OP, you’ve either changed a lot in your priorities from the last thread you posted on this forum, or you are trying very hard to talk yourself into wanting what your boyfriend wants, whenever he may want it. *shrugs* Best of luck to you two, whether you end up getting married or not.

Post # 70
Member
8584 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

“I don’t feel like I’m waiting. I much prefer The Knot’s section title of “Not Engaged Yet” to describe myself”

Good point, in that NEY sounds  a bit less needy. But being on  two wedding boards ‘Waiting’ and   ‘Not Engaged Yet’ threads sounds a lot like you really do want to get married in the forseeable  future  ( and why not,  dammit! – a perfectly reasonable thing to want ! )

Just saying  , not going to happen with your bf. And I think the  pp has a point , it also sounds like you are  now convincing yourself that you are fine, fine with your bf’s  position ( or rather nonposition) re marriage .

Wishing you well.

 

Post # 71
Member
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I think you should find a hobby and fantasize less about your future With this man…you are very young and sadly dont get that most of us with a little more life experiance may have already been in your shoes at some point. I personally regret wasting time with a guy from my past that had an issue with being concrete and making long term plans but i thought i loved him and stuck around cause i thought i could change him so one day he told me his job is moving him across the country and he wanted to start over without me. On the other hand when i met my husband three months into dating we both talked about our future together with no embassasment or shadiness we both knew that we wanted to be together. Time is precious dont waste it. Good luck to you.

Post # 72
Member
11574 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

AshlingRae:  good for you for being able to take a look at what you can change in your own approach.

it seems like your pride wants to present a different front to your bf. But think of it this way, he’s your partner and he will (if he’s the guy for you) respect your feelings and respect you for valuing them. 

Post # 75
Hostess
3892 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I don’t think that PP are glossing over the fact that he’s 23, it’s that he’s not concrete with his words. I mentioned in an early reply that my Fiance and I started dating at 18 too and though he was very clear about not being ready when we were younger, he also never used the wishy-washy phrasing that you’ve described your Boyfriend or Best Friend using. My Fiance never said “I hope we get married”, “If we get married”, he would still say when and talk about the future knowing that we would share that future. That is what the other bees are concerned about. At your age, I was thinking about marriage too, but I was in law school and my Fiance was getting his masters. He told me that he wanted to get married after we graduated and had paid off some of our debt. Do you see how that is different from what your Boyfriend or Best Friend has been saying? I wouldn’t say that my Fiance and I had a timeline, but I knew that he wasn’t ready now but would be ready in the foreseeable future. It was always “when” never “if/hope/maybe”. I’m not suggesting that you leave him, I’m just advocating that you have another conversation with him to make sure you two really are on the same page. I don’t think you should be afraid/embarassed to ask him if his phrasing “if we get married/I hope we get married” means that he’s not sure that you will get married, but he’d like to maybe, or that he knows he definitely wants to marry you, but isn’t ready at the moment. It sounds like a subtle difference, but it’s huge.

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