(Closed) Advice on rehearsal dinner ‘hijack attempt’ (long)

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
447 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Well, you don’t have to physically return the check; you can just rip it up (I think that actually sending it back has a lot more symbolic impact than simply not cashing it).  If you receive a check, call her and let her know that you appreciate the gesture, but that it’s taken care of.  Done.

Post # 4
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

One option would be to accept the money, but make sure that you have the whole thing set before you thank her.  It sounds like meeting at a local restaurant is about the right speed for your Rehearsal Dinner, and if you already have the reservation made, could you just call her and say “Thanks, we’ll be using it to pay for dinner at Restaurant X”?  That might eliminate her ability to take control, or would she still find a way to make it about her?

If that’s not an option, you can just call and say “Thank you for the thought, but we already have it taken care of.  We would love your help with X, Y, or Z.”  She doesn’t need to know that by ‘taken care of’ you mean ‘don’t want your money.’

Post # 5
Member
2767 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Just don’t cash the check!  Good for you for realizing you shouldn’t have a Rehearsal Dinner at your house the night before your wedding.  I think that would be super stressful.

Post # 6
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee

I agree with not sending the check back but don’t cash it. Don’t you think a phone call may be more personal than a letter if you have this type of relationship. Just be prepared to defend your decisions on the phone. I think I would sa something like thank you for your generousity but we’ve decided to go in another direction. Maybe mention you want to keep it simple and realized you were looking for a different kind of event than what she had in mind so you took care of the arrangements and won’t be cashing the check then suggest thouse other things you would like some help with. If she wants to pay for something, maybe you could suggest she buys something that does not involve plans like the wedding cake. My aunt is paying for our weding cake as her gift to us but it was an easy process along the lines of find a reasonable cake and give me the bill and payment instructions.

Good luck, money and family are always touchy subjects. Alternatively you could avoid conflict all together and not tell her you won’t be cashing the check until after the wedding but that would most likely cause other issues.

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