(Closed) Advice on relationship with Bi-curious

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

What’s the big deal? He’s decided to be committed to her. Just her. If he’s forsaking all other women, does it really matter that he’s forsaking all other men as well?

For some reason, men never seem to get this freaked out about marrying a bisexual woman.

Post # 4
Hostess
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I agree that I don’t see how it matters.  Just because you have a certain sexual orientation doesn’t mean that you don’t believe in monogamy.  It sounds like they are in a committed relationship now and as long as they both agree on that, there isn’t any reservation that I can think of just because he is bisexual.

Post # 5
Member
758 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’m bisexual and can’t help to take offense at the hesitation illustrated here, if it’s based solely on her FI’s sexual orientation.  I mean, unless he has expressed reservations about commited, what does his orientation have to do with anything?  Being bisexual does not equate to being anymore promiscious or commitment-phobe that any straight person (a common misconception).  Just because I’m attracted to both women and men and variations of either gender, has no affect on my current relationship.  I am commited to my Fiance or else he wouldn’t be my Fiance.  Those attractions will always be there, but so will attractions to other people for any straight couple – but no one ever judges a straight woman for still being attracted to men post commitment. There’s a difference between being attracted to someone and acting on the attraction or having it even matter. So, in conclusion, of course she should still marry him, as long as everything else in the relationship is going the way they both want.  Although I would reeeeally suggest they talk more candidly about orientation, because she doesn’t seem to really understand the way it works. Sorry if this was longwinded or slightly ranty. 🙂 

Post # 6
Member
1352 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Man that is a tough one… I don’t know if I would marry him. I totally get what PP’s say about him being committed but I think for a man to admit to being bi he must have strong feelings towards men and personally I would be uncomfortable with that. I really feel your friend… that is a really tough position to be in. 

Post # 7
Member
2893 posts
Sugar bee

@MrsPom:  By that token, anyone admitting to being straight means they have strong feelings towards the opposite sex. Does that mean you wouldn’t marry someone who was straight because they could be attracted to the opposite sex? It’s the same thing. Committment doesn’t have a sexual orientation limitation. He probably admitted it because being in a relationship is all about communication and being open about yourself and not hiding important things like sexual orientation from your partner. I’m sure he was just trying to be honest and not tip off his Fiance about something questionable.

 

Post # 8
Bee
1433 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Historic Lougheed House

I’m saying this as a GLBT member… there aren’t a lot of true bisexual males.  I think its very rare to find a TRUE bisexual adult male.  

Are you SURE he isn’t gay? 

Male sexuality tends to be black/white, whereas female sexuaity can be a bit more fluid.

Post # 9
Member
2522 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I’m bisexual.  I don’t advertise to anyone for personal reasons but my SO knows about it.  I’m committed only to him.

Post # 10
Member
758 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@MrsPom:  For someone (because gender shouldn’t be a variable, imo) to admit they are bisexual is simply self-disclosure, something about yourself that you share with someone you trust.  If your thinking is that those who have same-sex attractions only admit to having those attractions when they’re strong, I would very much disagree.  Sexuality, and in this case bisexuality, is fluid.  That said, even if he does have strong feelings for men, that doesn’t really matter (unless, of course, the concept of same-sex attractions isn’t something that’s inherently okay with her, for religious reason or otherwise – but I’m just going off that not being the case :3).  My Fiance has a strong attaction for red heads.  But I’m brunette.  That, in-and-of-itself, isn’t a deciding factor of his commitment to me, nor is his attraction to me affected adversely because I lack red hair.  Even if he’s very attracted to men, he’s bisexual, not gay, and therefore also attracted to women, and, of all those women and men, he’s chosing her. 🙂

Of course, the OP never said how long her friend has known about her FI’s orientation, only how long she has known. So this is all based on the assumption that this self disclosure isn’t out of the blue for the friend.

Post # 13
Member
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@eagle:  I’m not sure what to make of this.  Are you implying that the Kinsey scale exists for women, but for men, it just means they haven’t yet decided they want to come out as gay?

Back to the topic:

I TOTALLY understand why Cynthia Nixon said she “chose” gay, and then later clarified that she chooses to describe herself as gay rather than as bisexual, because of all the baggage that comes with it.  For some reason, being gay or straight is seen as an orientation, and yet bisexuality is seen as an inability to commit.  Whether people see it as an inability to commit to an orientation or to commit to a person or whether they confuse the two, it’s frustrating.  We are who we are.

Post # 15
Member
1352 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I never said he wasn’t committed I just said personally I would not be comfortable with it, it’s just my opinion. Similar to another thread where their men like to wear women’s lingere… I wouldn’t be okay with that either but that is just me.  And the argument about not being with anyone bc they could all be potentially attracted to someone else is not the same so let’s not pretend it is otherwise the OP wouldn’t have asked this specific question.

Post # 16
Member
2522 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@zagora:  Agreed.  I get tired of people saying that if someone is bisexual they’re non-committed and aren’t yet either “fully” gay or “fully” straight.  Whatever.  I choose to look at my relationships as a relationship with a person and not a specific gender.  In my case, I fell in love with a man that I want to be fully committed to for the rest of my life.  However, it could have been a woman.

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