(Closed) Advice on sex/porn/my relationship

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
591 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012 - St. Philip Catholic Church/Arcadia Brewing Co.

Maybe, it is more about the stress of getting married in 11 days and the “Oh my gosh this is my sexual partner for the rest of my life” feeling that is part of the problem, more than the actual porn. (These are very valid, normal feelings, and they don’t mean he isn’t ready or doesn’t love you or find you attractive, I had similar feelings but it is just the reality of picking one partner for life, it can be a scary thing, good but scary)

I think cooling off and talking about why you don’t like him watching (or knowing that he’s watching) porn may be productive. If you don’t think you can talk about it without being emotional, try writing it down for him to read. 

Sexual compatibility is an important part of marriage and something that sometimes needs to be worked on. Sometimes that means he’ll have to make some time to spice things up, but maybe it also means figuring out why you feel the way you do about him watching porn. Would you be more ok with it if he included you? What are they doing that he likes/is not seeing at home? Is that something that you could explore together? If not, what are the options?

I am sorry you are dealing with extra stress this close to the wedding and I hope you can get to the bottom of it and move on. 

 

Best of luck!

Post # 4
Member
951 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Firstly, porn is 100% normal for men. Here’s an amusing article: http://gawker.com/5420211/scientist-tries-to-find-man-who-has-never-watched-porn-cant

But I can absolutely see why it would make you uncomfortable. When I first caught my Fiance earlier in our relationship, I was heartbroken and offended. The things that made me upset was that I wasn’t enough to satisfy him, he was actively going out of his way to look at photos of other, better looking women, etc. It bugged me.. alot. I’ve since matured and realized that they are just pictures. It doesn’t have a negative affect on our relationship. Now that I’ve realized that it’s crazy to expect a man to never, ever watch porn I have just requested him to never watch it when I’m in the house unless I’m watching with him! 

I think you should have an honest conversation with him about why it hurts you and let him know what you are comfortable with and what you aren’t. Maybe set some ground rules (obviously prohibition is unrealistic) and ask him to respect your feelings. The biggest thing is when he says ‘sex is the same every time’. Do you feel that way too? Ask him if he would like to try some new positions or places or something. I bet he would love that – if you were comfortable with it!

Post # 5
Member
2270 posts
Buzzing bee

I agree with the PP. SO and I literally fought every year about porn for 8 years. There were tears, fighting, more tears, the silent treatment and on and on. It’s a battle you probably won’t win. I think there is nothing wrong with telling him to PLEASE never let you catch him. As for telling him to never watch it again…It just seems like a lost cause with most men. I am finally ok with it, as long as I don’t find out about it. Plus, it’s infrequent so whatever.

The real issue is whether he thinks you two have a vanilla sex life. Maybe he just said that as a justification, and not because he actually feels that way? That’s possible. 

You need to find out what he really thinks of your sex life, and then work on things that are unsatisfactory to him and/or you. 

Post # 7
Member
4961 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I don’t think you’re being a prude at all. Previousy I considered porn a comepete non issue. I came across an article about porn on “the good man project”… and let’s be clear, I am not one that is into consrvative view points at all typically. However, the artice made a lot of good points about porn use, not just about porn addiciton which is what a lot of the articles out there focus on. It made the point that it changes the way a man becomes aroused. He is getting aroused from seeing new women naked, often objectified. He is not looking at your body as much for the arousal response, which can drive a wedge in your sex life. He may become dependent on the porn to get aroused as well. It may raise his sexual expectations to an unreasonable level, as porn does not reflect a realistic situation the vast majority of the time. Aside from that, if he’s training himself to orgasam quickly, he could develop very fast orgasam response and experience premature ejaculation. I had my fiance read this article, and it made some really good points. He still look at some porn every now and again, but he agrees with me that is has the potential to be harmful, it’s unecessary, and it has to potential to take away from what we have and therefore is not worth it. I tried to find the article for you, and I can’t. If I find it I’ll post a link. See if he is willing to try giving it up for a while. I think being deprived of it will re satiate his appitite for real sex with a loving woman. If he can’t then you know there’s more of an issue, and sex counselling, or sex addiciton streatment may be an avenue to explore. 

Post # 8
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Hey, I don’t really know what to say to make you feel better because I, myself, don’t mind if he watches porn. If I ever walked in on him, I’d probably tease him and leave him alone or join in. That being said, if I had to think about why it doesn’t bother me, I would have to say its because I don’t feel insecure. I mean, he doesn’t make me feel insecure. I know he finds me attractive and all that, so if he watches porn, I don’t feel bad. Besides, we’re friends.

Maybe, as an earlier poster suggested, you should tell your guy how you feel without letting it escalate to yelling or name-calling. Just talk it over and make sure he understands. He should try to accomodate you in some way.

Post # 9
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Yeah, I think this has a lot to do with marriage stress. And maybe a sudden “OMG I’m never going to have sex with anyone else ever again” realization.

But I also think that if he’s expressing disatisfaction with your sex life, that should be treated as a legitimate concern, even if you’re okay with the way things are. A good sex life means you’re both getting your needs met.

I think you should sit down with him (once you calm down) and have a conversation that starts something like this: “I’ve been thinking about what you said, and while I’m not interested in watching porn with you because I personally find it a turn off, I’d be okay with a little more variety in our sex life too.”

Make sure you ask him for ideas, and come to the table with a few of your own so he knows you’re invested in this too. 

But… porn. Not a big deal. And it doesn’t sound like the fact that he was looking at some is what really upset you, but the things that were said in the argument that followed. 

 

Post # 10
Member
8455 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@alaska_99705:  You can’t really say it’s ok with you as long as he’s not caught.  That’s like saying the police are ok with murder as long as they don’t find the body. 

My Fiance and I will watch porn together now, but he made it very clear to me that he would choose stare at me to mastrubate rather than watch porn, if that is an option.  I can be a crazy jealous person, but because we discussed how it made me feel, he was able to clarify things to me, and this really made me feel so much better.  Now it’s become something enjoyable for the both of us.  I am very curious about other bees opinions on this, what is it about your SO watching porn that bothers you?  Does it have to do with what the women in the movie/picture look like?  Is it the acts that they are performing?

Something that women need to understand about men is that porn is an outlet for him to experience things that you may not want to do.  Maybe he’s into anal (just a random example), but you’re not.  How is it fair to demand he follow your request, but for you not to acknowledge his request? 

Post # 11
Member
2270 posts
Buzzing bee

@alaska_99705:  It’s still possible he doesn’t really think that about your sex life, but felt cornered and had to “justify” what he was doing. You need to talk to him and find out what he really thinks.

@housebee:  Hmm, it’s not like police being ok with murder as long as they don’t find out, at all! lol. That’s a weird analogy to use. It’s more like being ok with your spouse fantasizing as long as you don’t have to know about it. Ignorance can be bliss when it comes to porn.

I am ok with my spouse looking at porn as long as I don’t find out because:

  • every tactic I have used to try to eliminate it completely has not worked
  • it really does seem like most men do it
  • he only looks at porn once or twice a month anyway
  • i have come to terms with it because I realize it has nothing to do with me

If I did catch him, I would razz him a little and make him make it up to me in some small way, but no more fights and no more tears over it. It’s not worth it.

Post # 12
Member
915 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Elvis:  +1 to all of this

Post # 13
Member
8455 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@bunnyharriet:  my point is, if he needs to hide it from you, then you’re really not ok with it.  You’re just ok with not finding out about it.

Post # 14
Member
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Have not read PP’s post, but I wanted to share my take on the subject…

My general rule of thumb is I am OK if he watches porn (heck, we watch it together) AS LONG AS our sex life is not effected.  In that, if I am satisfied, and he is satisfied, then him or I watching porn seperately shall not be an issue.

This is a convo I have shared with my SO, and this is a rule of thumb he agrees with too, which is the most important thing! 

If you are not comfortable with him watching porn, or whatever, then he is not being fair to you.  Especially if your sex life is not up to par.  Sure, we all get tired after work.  Sure, sometimes the act of having sex seems like too much work, but I will tell you what…the time it takes him to fire up the computer, find his porn, watch his porn, masturbate to his porn, and then ‘hide’ the evidence is probably the same amount of time it takes to have sex (it may not be a long session, but it is still with you :))

With all that said, you should listen to what he is saying:  If he is watching more porn because the sex is the same, vanilla for him or whatever, then I think it is equally important for you to work on spicing things up.

At the end of the day, this argument is not abnormal.  I am sure with the added stress of a wedding so close, it was heightened.  Good luck!

Post # 15
Member
310 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

This is interesting because I was in a similar predicament a while ago but the roles were reversed and my fiance said me watching porn made him feel insecure, even though we were watching it together and he used to watch more than me. Maybe it would help to talk about what your sexual needs are, why he likes to watch porn, and why this upsets you, and maybe you’ll get to the root of the issue. Basically, in my opinion, talking things out whatever the situation is, almost always helps. 

Post # 16
Member
2270 posts
Buzzing bee

@housebee:  I really do feel like in this case, men will watch porn here and there no matter what.  It seems like a lost cause to argue with them. I would prefer my spouse didn’t watch porn, but I have learned over the years that he will. He’s not addicted or anything, and only does it a couple times a month (and sometimes less), but I know I can’t force him to abstain forever. Since he will keep watching, I’d rather not even know about it. I think this is probably the case for most men. It is so ingrained in our society to watch porn, and they just do it anyway.

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