Post # 1
So you’ve probably seen a few threads related to this around the boards. I’ll try to keep this short and sweet though.
Fiance and I are starting to get into wedding planning AND buying a house, last night we had a house we’ve had our eye on for a while literally fall into our laps. Some context – My family (mostly my mother) have jealousy issues that I involve my future in-laws in more than I involve them. Keep in mind, my family has always been the “its our way or the highway” and basically anytime I make a decision I end up getting a lecture, not an opinion, on why its the wrong decision, like no debating it. Over time, I’ve learned to handle telling them important news accordingly, mostly to limit the amount of time they have to react, like giving them weeks to stew over something and them coming back with a 20 slide long presentation on why their choice is the best to go with.
So, the in-laws have distance family connections to the seller of the house (like the seller is FI’s uncles cousin or something) and Future Mother-In-Law also works in the real estate/title work area as her job, and she’s really good at what she does. Seller calls Future Mother-In-Law last night to say they are ready to sell the house and gives a price. This house also is in high demand, as in the seller disclosed there are already like 3 people interested if we pass and that is before they even list it with a realator, but since we know them more than the next Jack and Jill they have come to us, giving us the first chance to buy. So, Future Mother-In-Law is handling most of the before process, helping Fiance and I get pre-approved ASAP since she has a lot of connections and I have no issues with this whatsoever. What I am struggling with is telling my family that we’re most likely going to purchase dependent upon what the bank will give us.
Anyone else have this like tricky like jealousy “you never tell us or involve us” relationship and have advice on how to tell my parents? How did you go about telling your parents you found a house, how much did you involve them in the process? I may give the unpopular and stand-offish viewpoint but I personally don’t think I need to include my parents in the little details of buying the home other than of course coming to look at it and stuff with us. After all, its not like they are buying it or making payments or living there.
Post # 2
They don’t need to know any details until you’re in escrow and it looks like you’re closing on time.
Why do they need to know more than that? If their disapproval isn’t going to change your mind (and it shouldn’t), there’s no point in allowing that negativity in.
Post # 3
Make sure you still get an inspection!
That said, I wouldn’t tell them anything until after you’ve closed on it and signed all the papers. Your family honestly come off like children, and I know theyre family, but they don’t sound supportive…of anything.
When H (then BF) and I started looking at houses my mom was overjoyed – to get me out of the house haha. She knew we’d been saving up for a while, so it wasnt a surprise. I don’t think we took either of our parents there until after we’d already signed the papers, and then showed them the show home. We built our home, so we didnt actually move in for another 9 months or so. We didnt involve them in much. No design decisions, no mortgage decisions. They didnt even help us move or pack.
Post # 4
My situation was totally different. I had a very hard time finding a place that I liked. My mom actually found my first house on MLS, it wasn’t even on my realtors radar. In your case I would just tell them that you have found a home that you will be buying (once you are approved for financing).
Post # 5
Technically, you aren’t allowed to disclose the price of the house until you close and get the keys. It’s a hard place to be in because when you come into mutual acceptance it usually takes 30 days to close which seems like plenty of time for them to stew and pickle in their ideas.
Don’t tell them anything until you close. It’s stressful enough to get everything together before you get your keys let along deal with overbearing parents. Maybe if you close before Christmas then you can invite them over for the new year and ring it in there with them (if that is an option). At that point they won’t really have a say.
Post # 6
Why do they need to know anything other than you’ve bought a house, after the fact? If you aren’t open to their opinions why invite their opinions? They don’t need to know how much your Future In-Laws were involved.
Post # 7
Just tell them later that you’re buying a house and leave out the fact that the seller is a distant relative on your in-laws’ side. It makes sense that Future Mother-In-Law would help out since it’s her line of work. If your family gets upset, well tough noogies for them! You need to emphasize that since this house is for you and Fiance, it’s your decision and while you appreciate their opinions, please trust that we are making the right decision for us and that we will continue to make decisions without you after we get married.
Post # 8
I have never involved my parents in any of my decisions to purchase various homes over the years.
Post # 9
My mum knew we were buying a house from the second we booked a viewing as that’s the kind of relationship we have. My mum was involved in then entire process and I was very glad of the input, but my mum doesn’t really overstep any boundaries or try to steer my decisions. If you don’t want to tell yours then don’t.
Post # 10
jellybellynelly : Oh yes, inspection is happening! Most of the things to actually buy the house and make sure its up to par are all on our checklist, so no worries there! I really don’t know if I would say they are disapproving (as the PP said), but to your point they are very immature. Also to the point that this house is literally like across the road.. diagonal to my in-laws home, so that in itself is probably going to increase the tension already.
minimalistbeex : Interesting point. I just feel like if I don’t tell them something even along the lines of “We found a house and are gonna look, and see if we can afford it.” would be okay? Honestly, if I don’t say anything until we actually close, I think I’m going to deal with the “can’t believe you kept this a secret, you never involve us” whole ordeal.
murphybobbitt : We’ve struggled looking and have kept our minds open knowing we won’t get our dream home right away but this situation is literally so perfect for us right now. We’re willing to stretch as far as possible to make it happen (financially) because in my area this is a RARE chance to own a home like this.
Post # 11
I wouldn’t tell them until you have the house and you feel like sharing. Then I would just make it a “we bought a house, here’s our new address”. Even then if they throw a fit then I would excuse myself from them and repeat.
“It’s unfortunate you feel so negative about this. This is my choice however and one I feel happy/secure in. Hopefully you’ll come to respect it. Until then, I’ll excuse myself as I don’t want the negativity concerning it.”
Set boundaries and do not enable their meltdowns.
Post # 12
Just tell them that you’re buying a house, no need to go into details. If they retort with the “You never tell us anything” line, just look at them sweetly and say, “Of course I do; I’m telling you right now,” like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.
Post # 13
kmmq72 : I would wait until you close especially since it sounds like this may be a financial stretch for you. That alone will give then legitimate reasons to try and talk you out if it.
Post # 14
I would tell them the slight truth, “one of DHs friends knew we were looking, so they called about the house before it was listed. We had to act fast so making the decision was up to me and FI”. If she presses for answers on how you financed, that would be weird, and you can either say Fiance handled everything, or, “honestly I’m so tired of thinking about mortgages, I’m just ready to enjoy being a homeowner”
Post # 15
Instead of saying, “we found a house” you could say, “we are starting to house shop to see what is out there.” and then when you finally come into mutual acceptance you can tell them then you are working on closing. When they come back with their arguments you can say, “You know how the market can be! We had to be on it before it was put on the market. This was an amazing opportunity for us and we couldnt sit on our hands.”
I know how it can be with overbearing parents. My dad is very much like that. He is EXHAUSTING. I always have to mentally prep myself for conversations with him. I play scenarios in my head and think about how I am going to respond but that ultimately just stressed me out more. It got so bad that I have stopped talking to him and haven’t seen him since last Christmas.
Sometimes making clear boundaries with your parents is best even though it is very difficult to do. At least until you have the life that YOU and your Darling Husband want. This is your new life and you can choose how you want to live it.