Advice on telling parents FI and I are buying a house.

posted 2 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 2
Member
2655 posts
Sugar bee

They don’t need to know any details until you’re in escrow and it looks like you’re closing on time. 

Why do they need to know more than that? If their disapproval isn’t going to change your mind (and it shouldn’t), there’s no point in allowing that negativity in. 

 

Post # 3
Member
6379 posts
Bee Keeper

Make sure you still get an inspection! 

That said, I wouldn’t tell them anything until after you’ve closed on it and signed all the papers. Your family honestly come off like children, and I know theyre family, but they don’t sound supportive…of anything. 

When H (then BF) and I started looking at houses my mom was overjoyed – to get me out of the house haha. She knew we’d been saving up for a while, so it wasnt a surprise. I don’t think we took either of our parents there until after we’d already signed the papers, and then showed them the show home. We built our home, so we didnt actually move in for another 9 months or so. We didnt involve them in much. No design decisions, no mortgage decisions. They didnt even help us move or pack. 

Post # 4
Member
872 posts
Busy bee

My situation was totally different.  I had a very hard time finding a place that I liked.  My mom actually found my first house on MLS, it wasn’t even on my realtors radar.  In your case I would just tell them that you have found a home that you will be buying (once you are approved for financing).

Post # 5
Member
336 posts
Helper bee

Technically, you aren’t allowed to disclose the price of the house until you close and get the keys. It’s a hard place to be in because when you come into mutual acceptance it usually takes 30 days to close which seems like plenty of time for them to stew and pickle in their ideas. 

Don’t tell them anything until you close. It’s stressful enough to get everything together before you get your keys let along deal with overbearing parents. Maybe if you close before Christmas then you can invite them over for the new year and ring it in there with them (if that is an option). At that point they won’t really have a say. 

Post # 6
Member
6540 posts
Bee Keeper

Why do they need to know anything other than you’ve bought a house, after the fact? If you aren’t open to their opinions why invite their opinions? They don’t need to know how much your Future In-Laws were involved. 

Post # 7
Member
1463 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Just tell them later that you’re buying a house and leave out the fact that the seller is a distant relative on your in-laws’ side. It makes sense that Future Mother-In-Law would help out since it’s her line of work. If your family gets upset, well tough noogies for them! You need to emphasize that since this house is for you and Fiance, it’s your decision and while you appreciate their opinions, please trust that we are making the right decision for us and that we will continue to make decisions without you after we get married.

Post # 8
Member
47204 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I have never involved my parents in any of my decisions to purchase various homes over the years.

Post # 9
Member
5413 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

My mum knew we were buying a house from the second we booked a viewing as that’s the kind of relationship we have. My mum was involved in then entire process and I was very glad of the input, but my mum doesn’t really overstep any boundaries or try to steer my decisions. If you don’t want to tell yours then don’t.

Post # 11
Member
3062 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I wouldn’t tell them until you have the house and you feel like sharing. Then I would just make it a “we bought a house, here’s our new address”. Even then if they throw a fit then I would excuse myself from them and repeat. 

“It’s unfortunate you feel so negative about this. This is my choice however and one I feel happy/secure in. Hopefully you’ll come to respect it. Until then, I’ll excuse myself as I don’t want the negativity concerning it.”

Set boundaries and do not enable their meltdowns.

Post # 12
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee

Just tell them that you’re buying a house, no need to go into details. If they retort with the “You never tell us anything” line, just look at them sweetly and say, “Of course I do; I’m telling you right now,” like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

Post # 13
Member
7676 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

kmmq72 :  I would wait until you close especially since it sounds like this may be a financial stretch for you. That alone will give then legitimate reasons to try and talk you out if it.

Post # 14
Member
629 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I would tell them the slight truth, “one of DHs friends knew we were looking, so they called about the house before it was listed. We had to act fast so making the decision was up to me and FI”. If she presses for answers on how you financed, that would be weird, and you can either say Fiance handled everything, or, “honestly I’m so tired of thinking about mortgages, I’m just ready to enjoy being a homeowner” 

Post # 15
Member
336 posts
Helper bee

kmmq72 :  

 Instead of saying, “we found a house” you could say, “we are starting to house shop to see what is out there.” and then when you finally come into mutual acceptance you can tell them then you are working on closing. When they come back with their arguments you can say, “You know how the market can be! We had to be on it before it was put on the market. This was an amazing opportunity for us and we couldnt sit on our hands.” 

I know how it can be with overbearing parents. My dad is very much like that. He is EXHAUSTING. I always have to mentally prep myself for conversations with him. I play scenarios in my head and think about how I am going to respond but that ultimately just stressed me out more. It got so bad that I have stopped talking to him and haven’t seen him since last Christmas.

Sometimes making clear boundaries with your parents is best even though it is very difficult to do. At least until you have the life that YOU and your Darling Husband want. This is your new life and you can choose how you want to live it. 

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