Advice on toxic family member

posted 6 days ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
391 posts
Helper bee

What your mom or anyone else thinks of you is none of your business. YOU know you. Now go live your best life. Ruminating on anything is just a giant waste of your precious time. 

Post # 3
Member
290 posts
Helper bee

Has this affected your relationships with your mom and other family members? Malicious gossip can wreak havoc and if untrue can be very emotionally damaging to bear. I couldn’t just ignore it if I am close to my family and their opinions are important to me. 

How has your mom reacted to the things she’s said? If this is costing you to maintain ties, I’d have a sit down and calmly have a talk with your mom to set the record straight. You have a right to defend yourself. Ask her to see you as you are now, and not as she hears from someone who doesn’t even know you anymore. 

Post # 4
Member
6020 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

williams2bee :  I’d be really curious to know if your mother is coming back to you and telling you the things your sister has said? How do you know what your sister has told your mother?

I agree with PP saying that you may want or need to sit down with your mother to clear the air about the lies your sister has told. Another part of that air clearing may need to be letting your mother know that if she is going to struggle with having relationships with both of you and, as a result, contribute to your challenges (rather than being a stalwart and vocal supporter of the positive strides and healthy changes you have made in your life), she may need to go on the time out list, too. (However you would say that in a way that is less harsh but crystal clear).

Post # 7
Member
277 posts
Helper bee

I also have a very toxic sister who has spread truly malicious lies about me to anyone she can get to listen. She even called my job and falsely claimed that I am suspected of extremely serious crimes and wanted by the police (lol I was at work, they would have found me had they been looking) in an attempt to get me fired to punish me to for not answering her texts, among many other things. I really understand how difficult it is, and I deeply sympathize.

You can always, and should always, clear the air with other family members (such as your mother) but when it comes to your sister, you have to just hold out. She will tire herself out eventually. I know it’s hard but the only thing is to perservere and keep living a good life. Miserable people punish themselves by making their own lives lonely and miserable.

ETA: I agree with PP, I would ask your mother to not bring up these lies to you as they do nothing but cause you pain. Hopefully she will understand.

Post # 9
Member
290 posts
Helper bee

It’s great you took the first step and talked to your mom and cleared the air. williams2bee :  

Now that next step towards healthy relationships has to be taken by your mom. No more sitting and gossiping about one daughter with another. No more just listening even. She’s not being held captive or held down and forced to listen is she? She has to tell toxic daughter that the past is in the past, and if she needs any new info she will get it from williams2bee directly. She has to gently and nicely shut her down every time. 

She wants to catch up on your life she has to do it WITH you, the good and the bad (and the ugly is none of her business). 

Tell her nicely and move on. If she allows her to do this again she is an active participant in this vile behaviour and can also join the time out list. You don’t talk about someone else behind their back and say it’s out of “concern”. 

Post # 10
Member
277 posts
Helper bee

williams2bee :  My sister has, for the most part, given up. She still attemps to contact me but I think as long as she sees that things aren’t working, she tires of them. It takes her longer than the average person, but it happens.

Fortunately for me, she came across as so unhinged that no one at my job really took her seriously. I had to speak to managers and it was an extremely embarrassing experience, but the truth prevailed and ultimately nothing negative happened to me in the workplace. That was nearly 2 years ago and pretty much everyone has forgotten about it by now.

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