(Closed) Advice on whether to give it a month?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

@weeble78:  Hmmm, it sounds like things have been a little rocky lately? If that’s the case, I can understand his not being comfortable moving forward when things are not super-solid. Are you really sure that you want to marry him? Any problems you have now will still be there when you’re married.

As far as giving it a month, if you still believe in your relationship and can see a future with him, then why not? Even if it doesn’t work out at least you’ll know that you gave it your best shot.

Edit: Have you considered couples counseling? Maybe if you were able to learn to better handle conflict as a couple, then he (and you) might feel more confident in the strength of the relationship and making a commitment to it.

Post # 4
Member
1359 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Well I don’t really believe in “the one,” so I think giving a relationship more time to make sure things are capable of working is legitimate. IMO a month is nothing. Not to say you need to be problem-free before you can get married, but I think it is totally fair to want to spend a couple of months in a really good place before you forge ahead. Honestly I wouldn’t want my proposal/engagement to be spoiled by fighting and working on problems. I’d want to be in a good, solid place so you can just relax and celebrate.

Post # 5
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I think you need to ask yourself if you want to marry this person because you’ve been together for so long already and the clock is ticking on having a family, or if you want to marry this person because he is your best friend, you are madly in love with him and can’t imagine spending the rest of your life with anyone else?

I think once you have answered that, you will have your decision.  

Post # 6
Member
4518 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

If your gut feeling is that he’s unsure you’re the right one, then I think you should listen to that. Your gut feeling before a proposal should be that he’s totally in love with you and would do anything for you. Anything short of that, and engagement shouldn’t be happening.

At 37 years old, I think he should be ready to commit to you after 2.5 years (almost). Plus… he’s “dreading” planning the wedding so much that he’s willing to risk losing you by dragging his feet? I don’t know… I don’t like it. 

It sounds like part of you wants to leave him, and you’re just ready for a nudge. This is all just my opinion, and obviously I know nothing other than what you wrote in this post! good luck.

 

Post # 7
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee

@stillme:  I agree.

At 37 years old he should know if you’re the one and be more than happy and wanting to commit to you.  I’m sorry but it sounds like he’s just making excuses and will never be ready to get married.

Post # 8
Member
777 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

So…he loves you. He thinks he wants to marry you but some bumpiness over the past couple of months has led to hesitation and uncertainty. He knows that you two don’t handle fights very well. Plus, the wedding will be a giant stress-fest b/c your family’s nuts. And he’s facing mounting pressure from you to propose and knows that if he delays much longer you might just walk away, b/c apparently getting married to him isn’t an attractive enough proposition to hold you if you have to wait more than a couple more months.

Honestly, I wouldn’t be in a rush to propose either. Knowing that last bit, especially, I’d really be questioning the depth of your commitment. Do you want to marry him because you love and value him above anyone you’ve ever met, or b/c it’s time to settle down and he’s convenient? Whatever your actual feelings, I can certainly understand why he’d suspect the latter and be reevaluating everything.

I think you’d both be better off in the long run if you split up.

Post # 9
Member
5177 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

@ViaMinorViator:  

@stillme:  

@mrssrm:  

These responses are all right in line with my thinking, and I do hope you take their questions to you to heart.

While I know someone above said they don’t believe in “the one”, in my personal experience, I do believe there can be a “one” who is right for you. Not to say there are never any other possible “one’s” out there, but certainly you can meet and be with one person who actually has you stop wondering what (and who) else is out there.

This guy is 37. At this age he should be self aware enough, and have enough life and relationship experience, to know after 2.5 years of dating whether he sees a life with you or not, and whether he WANTS a life with you or not. If you feel you are still being tested, or that he wants to leave but has not gotten the guts to be open about it yet….maybe there is something to that gut feeling. While I think he is actually smart and mature to NOT marry you if there are problems, I also think that he should know by now if he wants to marry you or not, and that he may be making excuses to avoid making a difficult decision.

The flip side of this is that it sounds like there are some communication issues, and other conflicts in the background here. If there ARE the problems as described, then perhaps YOU should also be more hesitant to get engaged and marry. I can understand his hesitancy. Those problems are NOT going to go away just because you get engaged or married. If there is resentment, anger, or avoidance, or other negative things like that…you are not going to have a happy marriage. Either go to counseling, both of you, or consider moving on.

My first reaction, though, honestly is that in my experience, if things are this “difficult” in the sense of knowing whether you are on a shared path or not, and there is all this game playing, guessing about what the other things, feels and wants, and all these “unresolved problems” still…and so on, then you really ARE likely both better off moving on. I know there is no “normal” when it comes to relationships, but I am a big believer that it is very possible to be with someone where things flow quite easily, you are both emotionally whole and self-aware individuals, and you are both actively engaged in the relationship and excited about each other and about being together. In hand with that goes healthy communication, commitment to personal growth and responsibility, and not just “hoping” issues go away. Why settle for something less?

If you want to remain in this relationship for the right reasons, and be with THIS man, then I do think you both need to go to counseling.

If not, and you are staying due to putting pressure on yourself to have children, or fears of starting over, or as you want to be “married” but don’t really want marriage with THIS man, then I suggest it is time to move on; and still go to indvidual counseling.

My own gut though, to be quite honest, is telling me that based beliefs and experiences with relationships that are “this difficult” as described above…you are both most likely better off moving on separately.

 

Post # 10
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

Clearly this man loves you and cares about you, the question is whether or not he sees you as his life partner.  Usually when people start nit picking on this behaviour flaw or that one, they are focusing on those tangible things because they are afraid to admit, even to themselves, that the big picture is that they don’t ultimately want to get married.  Obviously I have no idea if this is the case for you guys, only he and you can know this.

I think it is worth asking him to be super honest with himself – and you – on this question.  Let him know that you would like to have a family, and while you want him to be the husband in that family, if he cares about you, he should allow you to move on IF he doesn’t feel the same.  It isn’t fair for him to keep you in the relationship if he knows deep down it isn’t going to go the distance.  You have been together long enough and are both old enough, that I think it is fair for him to know this by now.   Choosing a mate is not choosing a list of characteristics or character attributes, its picking a whole person. and either you are that person he wants to marry or not. 

Post # 13
Member
3520 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Part of what bothers me about what you wrote is that he wants to take a month to decide if he wants to get married/propose, right?  In a way, it’s like he’s imposing his own ultimatum on himself, one that he feels you’re making him stick to.

If you decided not to wait out the month, or if at the end of the month he doesn’t want to get married, what would you do?

Post # 16
Member
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@weeble78:  Workout.  Go running or kickboxing or something.  It will help you release some of that energy while having some you time.  This works for me when I need a quick fix to my mood and to clear my mind.  And ((HUGS)) dear.

ETA:  You’re at work.  Can you get up and walk around by yourself right now?  Is it nice enough to walk outside for a little.  Fresh air and some walking.  And breathing exercises.  They’re amazing.  Find a space for you and breathe in for 5 counts, and then breathe out for 5 counts.  This will slow your heart rate and promote a more peaceful state for you.

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