Post # 1
I like many of you have been waiting for a proposal for years. I am in a wonderful relationship and I don’t quite understand what has taken him so long, it’s been 6 years. The only thing I can think of is that he wants it to be sooo perfect and for me to have a big story to tell, which don’t get me wrong I appreciate. I have had many blow-ups over it, because it hurts my feelings that he is waiting so long. Finally I set a deadline and was ok with waiting. Enjoying it actually, because I knew he was working on it.
Everything was fine but earlier this week my Grandmother who I was close with passed away, and I can’t help but feel resentful towards my boyfriend that my Grandma (who had been sick for some time) never got to see us engaged or married. I know my boyfriend had no control of the situation but he did know that she was not in good health, and I would think he would know that it would mean something to me.
I don’t want to bring it up, because I don’t feel like he should have any guilt over it, but I don’t want to carry that resentment around for the rest of our lives. What do I do?
Post # 3
@fiestapotato: When is your deadline? And, did you set this deadline with your bf?
I think 6 years is a long time, too. I know some couples wait 6 or 7 years to get married which is fine but that is because their situation calls for that.
I don’t think there is anything else left for you to do. You have already told your bf what you want. You will have to wait for the proposal.
Post # 4
I’m sorry for your loss.
It’s tough to not have loved ones at your wedding. This is true whether they passed away years ago or a mere month and a half before you say your vows.
I’d suggest trying to seperate your feelings about waiting from the loss of your grandmother. Your grandmother knew that you loved her, right? She knew that you love your bf and that the two of you are happy together, right? I’ve learned that people who love us want to share the big life events, but even more, they want us to be happy.
If your bf had rushed his timing so a loved one could enjoy the engagement, there might be future issues of resentment on his part – and you might have felt slighted if he just said “Here’s a ring, marry me, would ya? Let’s go tell people now.”
The death of your grandmother is still quite recent; your emotions are understandably running high. This might not be the best time to talk to your boyfriend about how much you wish the two of you had made an additional committment before you lost your grandmother.
If you feel more than sadness that your grandmother didn’t get to hear the story of your proposal, if there is anger about the drawn out dating, that’s probably worth talking about; eventually. IF you decide that it’s mostly a feeling of loss, then a simple statement to him “I wish Gram had been able to hear about this/be here” will probably go a long way to help you, and won’t automatically seem like you’re mad at him.
Post # 5
I’m sorry to hear about your grandma… it’s never easy especially when you start having those feelings of resentment over her not seeing you get engaged. I felt the same way when my grandma passed away last year, and it still makes me sad that she wasn’t here when my Fiance finally proposed.
Perhaps in the next little while you could speak to your boyfriend about your feelings. If you really help him see that you don’t blame him or want him to feel guilty, it will probably make you feel better and bring you closer together. It may also make him start to think about people in his own life.
For instance, shortly before my Fiance proposed, he was talking to his parents and they mentioned how they thought his grandma (who is 95 and really slowing down) was just holding on to see us engaged/married. He proposed not long after than, and I think a big part of the reason he didn’t wait longer (he had originally been planning to wait a few more months) was that he wanted her to be around to see it.
Again I’m sorry that your grandma won’t be there to see you get engaged, but from the sounds of it it’s just a matter of time for you and your boyfriend so hopefully she knew that.
Post # 6
@fiestapotato: Thank you all for your advice, I have tried to separate out my feelings. I feel like I am angry but it is intensified with the loss of my Grandma.
I’m angry not only because she won’t be able to know we are getting married, but mainly because he isn’t taking into consideration the things that are important to me. I don’t care if I have a big story to tell everyone, or a fancy ring, I care about the sentiment, and the “I can’t wait any longer” romance, and the people I love still being alive to share it with.
The only thing my Grandma didn’t approve of in my life was how long we have been together (and lived together) without being married. She assumed we planned on it, and loved my boyfriend to pieces, but I just really wanted her to know, 100%.
I can’t help but wonder how much his timing would have changed if it was his Grandma instead of mine. I think that’s where the resentment comes from.