Post # 1
I think my mother has lost her mind about my wedding. A little background I’m the oldest of four kids and three of us are girls so mom and dad could have a lot of weddings in their future.
From the beginning I thought over the top weddings were not my style. I’ve got social anxiety issues and for me something that formal and large would make the day unenjoyable not to mention expensive. That said it’s still a 200 person list.
I had found multiple moderate and low priced invitations that were beautiful, but my mother is stuck on the idea of cream paper with engraving to the point that my sister who is a graphic designer created something unique for me and my groom that we loved, and my mother said was not the sort of invitation she was planning on sending out since the invitations reflect her. So I went invitation shopping with her, and found something she really liked and I could easily live with. They were $1800 and she told me that was going to be fine. I called her back two days later and she was all well maybe we shouldn’t spend that much on paper products (no kidding) and maybe we should cut down the size of the wedding. Perhaps the groom and I should put up more money. Perhaps his parents should help with more than just flowers and photography.Part of me is secretly gleeful that I might get my tiny wedding that I wanted in the first place.
Basically I need some help on how to explain to my mother that cheaper doesn’t mean tacky, and that DIY isn’t a bad thing if it’s done well.
How did you approach talking with family about money when one day they said one thing and two days later everything was changed?
Post # 3
It’s tough dealing with the opinions and emotions of parents when it comes to their children’s weddings. Here’s the thing, short of expressing how you truly feel about having a smaller wedding, I think you really have no other options but to bow down and consider what she would like to see for the wedding. It’s very true that once parents are financially involved, you will lose the freedom of planning. I don’t blame them, imagine forking over that much money…wouldn’t you want to do things your way?
Have a heart to heart with her, tell her exactly how you feel. Be firm with her when it comes to making decisions. If you really don’t like the invitations, say so and try to compromise.
On a bit of a sidenote: you should be very lucky to have parents who are willing to contribute so much financially.
Post # 4
We haven’t had a bit of money stress during the entire process (14 months and counting). I attribute it to my parents giving us $x and saying that anything over that would be at our own expense, anything under and we could keep the difference. This is what many of their friends did and it has worked out well in every instance.
I asked my mom which elements she wanted a say in and then took over the rest. By doing this we’ve had a relatively flawless process. The only time I had to remind her about the budget was in the first couple of months when she fell in love with a $4500 gown. I asked her if she was going to buy that on top of the budget. She said no. I found the exact dress from a shop sample on ebay for $125.
FI’s parents are paying for the rehearsal dinner and have 100% control over that (thank goodness cause I couldn’t handle another thing on my plate!)
Post # 5
I sort of hate the fact that she set my sister up for failure in terms of the invitations. She’s the one who pressured little sister to design something in the first place, and then had nothing positive to say about it despite the fact they were beautiful.
What bothers me with regards to the money is that it isn’t as if the groom and I aren’t paying for anything. We bought my dress. We are paying for the church. We are paying for the bar at the reception. It’s frustrating to hear my mother complain about money when she made the decision on the date (which was not the one I wanted), the location of the reception, how many bridesmaids I was allowed to have, and in hiring a wedding planner that I don’t particularly like. I sort of figured that I would be able to bend on the invitations. And then she changes her mind again.
It’s being told we are going to spend X, and you and the groom are going to spend X, and while we do our parts, she pulls the mind changing about how to spend money after she’s made decision in the first place.
Post # 6
Wow, are we related to the same mom? Mine does stuff like this a lot.
What finally helped was pulling out a budget worksheet and seeing what money we had for what (according to the percentages), then finding something that suited both of us. If she wants engraving, see if your sister can’t print out the invitation on an inkjet on the “best” setting, throw some engraving powder on it and heat it up–if it works, then you can compromise, use cream cardstock and bam, you’ve got your invites.
I think a lot of reasons everyone involved with weddings shuts things down so often is because they don’t think about what the final look will be like. Like, for instance, could your sister also design labels/tags for favors, programs, table numbers, menus, signs, etc that all fall within the same scheme? You might tell your mom that would look more professional than mismatched details, and she might start to see it your way.
I wish you lots of luck and finally–I hope that you get some semblance of the wedding you want while keeping in perspective that you can just be so happy you’re marrying the man of your dreams! (Also, a reminder to never do that to your own daughter, if you should have one someday!)
Post # 7
Oh, I should also add, you should sit down and talk to her upfront about giving you a chance to explain every idea before she shuts it down. I’ve never talked back to my mom, but when she started going crazy and shutting down my colors, ideas, etc, I said “Excuse me?” or I’d shoot her a look–and it brought her back down to earth. She said a lot of things without thinking at first, and now that she’s come back down to earth, we’re having a much easier time helping each other instead of warring over details!
Post # 8
Wow, this sounds like it’s your Mom’s wedding. When do you take control? Does she always tell you what to do?
It sounds like you have 2 issues tightly wound together. One, your Mom is controlling your wedding? Two, you can’t decide on wedding invites because of budgeting issues. While I can’t help with the first issue. I can make suggestions for the second one.
Is she computer savvy? Maybe if you show her Weddingbee, she can see that “DIY” and “inexpensive” can still be chic and look good.
Post # 9
I don’t know that you’ll be able to convince her about the DIY projects until you’ve completed something and can show her it works. Maybe find a small DIY project to show her, or have her help you with. I found that my DIY projects were somet of the most fun family and friend bonding times! I loved having the excuse to have people over all the time, and everyone was so willing to help!
I would also ask to sit down with your parents (after you’ve carefully prepared this)a dn show them a possible budget, aski them what they think and tweak from there. They may need some help understanding the cost of weddings, and where the money is best divided (there are lots of helpful tools, expeciallyt he knot budgets that explain an average percentage of your budget should be spent on particualr items like food, attire, photographer, etc.
Post # 10
I think that a big problem for parents is that when they want to contribute money to their children’s weddings, they think that they can make the decisions. Somehow I got lucky and my mom already knows that the money is just a gift for me and I can spend it how I’d like. I think you should talk to her about this, show your appreciation, ask for her opinions, but in the end do what makes you happy.