(Closed) Advice please about us getting married and FFIL dying… :-((

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Should I have a small ceremony before our original date?
    yes, just parents; like suggested in post : (52 votes)
    95 %
    No; have a get together, but no marriage license : (3 votes)
    5 %
    other; please comment : (0 votes)
  • Post # 3
    Member
    3170 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    I think it’s a great idea as long as you and your fiance are okay with it. It could really mean a lot to his family and him for his dad to be part of your marriage.

    Post # 4
    Member
    743 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I am normally not a fan of having “2 weddings” (i.e. a small one first and then the big party later), but I think this situation def falls into the “exception” category.  I would talk with your Fiance and your future inlaws and see if this is important to Future Father-In-Law (to see their son get married).  If so, and it were me, I would do just like you said – a small JOP with just the parents and then a larger ceremony/reception later.  

    Post # 5
    Member
    65 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    Oh my goodness, I am so sorry. This has got to be so hard on both of you, and the entire family. To be completely honest I do not believe that your Future Father-In-Law would want you to change your dream plans to accommodate him. In your position, what I would do, would be have a very small, intimate, gathering and say your vows to each other. Don’t go out and get a marriage license or anything, but SHOW your Future Father-In-Law that you two are making your vows, in front of him, that you will love and respect each other forever. I am sure that will ease his heart and mind. Best of luck to you, you’re in my thoughts.

    Post # 6
    Member
    539 posts
    Busy bee

    @echolove:  My best friend and his now wife did this. Her mother was ill with cancer, so they had an intimate ceremony, with only both sets of their parents, and each had a best man/maid of honor there. Her mother passed a way a few months later, and then they still had their original dream wedding as planned for all to celebrate and enjoy.

    Post # 7
    Member
    3697 posts
    Sugar bee

    I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.

    If this were us, I think we would move the wedding plans up. For us, it really wouldn’t be a dream wedding if a parent wasn’t there to be a part of it – it’d just be a fancy party with a lot of stuff that, in the end, can’t even begin to compare with sharing a major life event with our parents.

    What is your FI’s opinion on this? I know the dream wedding is probably more important to you than it is to him. If my Darling Husband had been in danger of losing his father ahead of the wedding, it would have been really hard to let go of some of the things I cared a lot about and was looking forward to, but I think sacrificing that would have been one of the most powerful ways I could have shown him how much I love him and was willing to do for him.

    And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with keeping the later date for the big friends-and-family get-together.

    Post # 8
    Member
    34 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    You have to do what feels right for your situation.  And it’s a tough situation to be in.  My sister got married early when my dad was real sick and she says that of course that is what she would do again.  She also says what was supposed to be one of the happiest days of her life was spent with her dad in a hospital bed and therefore wasn’t a very happy occasion.

    You could do both – don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t. 

    You could also do the ceremony with the parents now and do a vow renewal at the later date with everyone and let them know that due to the circumstances you shared your wedding ceremony with your parents at an earlier date but you wanted them to be able to join in on the celebration of your lives together so they are all invited to the renewal ceremony.

    I think anyone would (or should) understand the circumstances.

    Post # 9
    Member
    2711 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    =(  So sorry to hear about your Future Father-In-Law.

    Personally, I would ditch my plans for a dream wedding and move everything up to the spring.  Having my Future Father-In-Law there would be more important than, well, anything else.

    If this is not an option, then I would have a small, private ceremony now with just close family and maybe really close friends and then have the celebration/marriage blessing in Oct where everyone can come celebrate.

    Post # 13
    Member
    1358 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    So now I’m thinking if we should do a very small intimate ceremony for his father, but keep our original date for everyone else.”

    That is exactly what we planned in case my mother’s terminal illness took a turn for the worse. We planned the wedding postehaste anyway (7 months, knowing she might not see 2013), but our plan just in case things got bad was to travel to VA where my parents live, get an marriage license there, and use my parents’ pastor to get married in a small ceremony in their home (they live in a cabin on a mountain with an amazing view). We probably would have grabbed a little white dress and some supermarket  flowers, then have dinner delivered.

    My MIL/FIL would also have come because they said they want to be there for the “real deal,” plus I gave my brother and his girlfriend a head’s up. Then we would have still had our October wedding to celebrate.

    ETA: The ceremony plan I explained above is something we knew could be kind of last minute since it doesn’t take more than a few days’ advance planning, so we took a “wait and see” attitude about it. You can shelve it as an option and always take it down if you need it, no pressure. Just make sure all the important people know the plan so they can plan to be there at the drop of a hat. However, if there comes a moment you know he won’t be at your October wedding, do it.

    Post # 14
    Member
    1549 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    @echolove:  i think this is a good idea! Just the 6 of you.

    Post # 16
    Member
    78 posts
    Worker bee

    My father is dying, this will probably be his last Christmas and we have no idea how long into next year he will live. So, this is something that I’m also dealing with. 

    I just want to say that this is something that cannot be done over. I think you should have an intimate, real ceremony for your families and then another larger ceremony next year. Your husband should have his father there on his wedding day, because one day he might wish he did and that’s not something that can be done over. I think it is very kind of you to think up a plan before presenting it to him, as it is a very difficult thing to have to come up with on your own and he may not realize how much it means to him.

    The topic ‘Advice please about us getting married and FFIL dying… :-((’ is closed to new replies.

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