(Closed) Advice Please: being a BM 20 days before your wedding

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee

I think you know what to do.  She has 9 other BMs, I think they can handle the rest of her assigned duties.

Post # 4
Member
1940 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I agree.  I think you should back down.  I know it is often hard to back out of things especially when you feel a huge guilt trip.  However, it is just too much for you to do.  Your own wedding is more important and like Beekiss2 said “She has 9 other bridesmaids.”

Post # 5
Member
695 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Just call her as soon as possible and tell her that you’ll have to back down. You haven’t done anything wrong, but maybe by waiting a week (which I totally understand, I’m horrible at these things and probably would put off calling too) to call, she may be annoyed with you more. Hopefully everything will work out and maybe you’ll still be friends. Good luck and I’m sorry this is stressing you out so much.

PS: That’s a lot of money to me, I know there are tons of budgets out there, but I would never imagine it would be that high for the shower, esp divided up between 10 women, so I think you have very valid reasons to bow out.

Post # 6
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

i really want to know what $1500 in food alone gets you.  and if it is a sex and the city theme- i would just do martinis and some nibblies.  crazy pants.

Post # 7
Member
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Wow, this shower and bachelorette sound more swanky than my actual wedding! I can’t even imagine spending that kind of money as a Bridesmaid or Best Man even if I weren’t getting married a few weeks later. It’s nice of her to offer to pay, but like you say, how much more awkward does that make you feel? I agree with previous posters, bail! Nine other BMs should be able to manage without you. Your own wedding is enough stress and expense!

Believe me, I know how hard it is to gracefully withdraw from things (I have the hardest time saying no to people even when I should, so I frequently find myself in this predicament) … and it might be an uncomfortable scene, but the feeling of relief you get will be so much greater. Especially since this is not a close friend that you plan to keep in close contact with, just get it over with!

 

Post # 8
Member
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Definitely call her ASAP, that’s the most important thing.  I had a bridesmaid back out, but she just ignored me for a month– that didn’t go over so well with me.  Just be honest and know that this very well may be a “friendship breaker”.

Post # 9
Member
612 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

You need to call her and let her know that while you appreciate her offering to pay your share that you don’t feel it is fair for her to have to pay for her shower/ bach party and that you will just be bowing out of the wedding party.  If you don’t feel this friendship is going to continue for very much longer then you might as well cut the last few strings now and not worry about it. 

Post # 10
Member
335 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

That is a lot of money to ask a Bridesmaid or Best Man to cough up.  My shower is at the end of this month and my Maid/Matron of Honor was worried about asking the BM’s for $25 and a homemade  dish to bring.  And another thing…..isn’t a shower “hosted” by the Maid/Matron of Honor and BM’s?  This means they should decide what is within their budget and what kind of shower they wish to throw for the bride….I don’t think it is right for us (brides) to dictate what we want especially since it isn’t mandatory for them to do this in the 1st place.  I am so excited for my shower and I will be grateful for whatever they have in store for me =)

Post # 11
Member
403 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Ok, one of my BMs got engaged a few months ago and is getting married 6 days before me. I’m going to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man in her wedding. Yeah, this month’ll be a little bit crazy with two of everything, like the bachelorette party, fittings, etc., but it’s worth it to us.

OP: she obviously very much wants you to be in her wedding if she’s offering to pay. If she didn’t care so much, she wouldn’t have offered. Maybe, if it doesn’t sit well with you, you can figure out a way to pay her back. Or at least say you’ll pay for the bachelorette party. But I’d go for it. We regret things we don’t do more than things we do.

Post # 12
Member
2204 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

You did the right thing by telling her the reasons why you couldn’t participate. I think she clearly wants you in it since she offerred to pay but again, your reasons are very valid if you want to bow out. It doesn’t sound like the friendship is something you’re truly invested in. Just be prepared for hurt feelings on her side.

Post # 14
Member
2204 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

1 nasty email from a Maid/Matron of Honor was probably just the tip of the iceberg. I think you dodged a huge bullet on this one!

Post # 15
Member
695 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Good (that you’re not a Bridesmaid or Best Man anymore, not how it ended). I’m sorry it did not go as smoothly as it should have, but please just delete that email and don’t dignify it with a response (who does that?!). Good luck with your wedding and I hope you feel 100 pounds lighter without all this stress!

Post # 16
Member
837 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I stopped reading in the bridal shower part when you said she sent out an e-mail to all of you and told you what she wanted for her bridal shower.  Um, that’s rude and tacky and I wouldn’t be a Bridesmaid or Best Man just because she is doing that.  You don’t get to demand what you want for your shower….  Good luck!

The topic ‘Advice Please: being a BM 20 days before your wedding’ is closed to new replies.

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