(Closed) Advice please! HE now wants to wait until marriage to have sex

posted 7 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
1126 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Maybe it’s just me, but this seems like kind of a big deal.  Especially because guys tend to want to sex, so for him to stop having it, and then want to continue not having it – I feel like there’s an issue.  It might just be the medication, or he could have a fear about his ability to please you (since it’s been so long, maybe he’s worried he won’t live up to your expectations).  Or it could be another issue altogether.  There are antidepressants that don’t affect sex drive, like Wellbutrin, that maybe he could try.  But I think he should discuss this with his psychiatrist, and if you still feel like it’s not being addressed, then maybe you should talk to someone together.

I just think it’s a big enough issue to not just wait until you’re married and hope it magically gets better.  Not saying he doesn’t love you or want to marry you, or that he doesn’t miss being so close to you, but it would take a lot for any guy I know (or girl) to voluntarily become re-celibate, so I think it’s worth exploring the issue to make sure it’s not a sign of something deeper.

Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I think you should ask him if he has a sex drive, and if not, if it is because of the medication.  I also think he should talk to his psychiatrist about it, and possibly switch medications.  I agree that this is a big deal, and I think it would be best to straighten this out before you get married.

Post # 7
Member
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Don’t blame yourself.  But I think the sooner you talk about it the better.  I don’t think there is really an easy way to ask.

Post # 8
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I agree with the poster above: you should really have a talk about this before you marry! But in general it sounds like he has a conflicting relationship with sex, so this might not change after you’re married. You should evaluate if it’s something that you could live with or if it might bring you apart.

Post # 9
Member
2496 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 1991

I would encourage you to be very honest with him and encourage him to go talk to a doctor.  Losing your sex drive due to anti depressants is very normal, and he might just need to switch up medication.  Whether you have sex or not, this loss of sex drive needs to be evaluated.  So, I would approach it from the angle that you’re concerned about his health and not so much about wanting to have sex with him.

I will also say that waiting to have sex till marriage is a very personal decision and only you and your Fiance can make that decision as a couple for what’s best for you both.  I would imagine it would be VERY hard to wait after already having sex, especially if his sex drive returns. 

Tackle the issues behind his sex drive loss first, then move on to deciding whether or not to wait.  Good luck!! 🙂

Post # 10
Member
966 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

My guy also wants to wait despite having had more-or-less regular sex for the past year (with me and only me), for religious reasons.  Even without the drug issue, and knowing WHY he doesn’t want sex, it still makes me feel like I’ve done something wrong and I don’t deserve his attention.  Ask him straight out.  

Post # 11
Member
851 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Shirinjoon: My dad turned out to be gay after 26 years of marriage and 4 kids.So this is coming from a place that is not trying to be unkind:

This guy sounds like he could be gay, it seems like huge alarm bells to me and like he is throwing up red herrings.

Post # 13
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Do you think he’s (subconsciously or consciously) using this as an excuse?

Maybe ask if he would feel the same way about not having sex if it weren’t for the drugs. Focus on it being the drugs, NOT on his lack of sex drive.

Post # 15
Member
5883 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Talk to him about switching drugs.

Post # 16
Member
1314 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

I’d talk to him about it, maybe see the doctor about the pills reducing his drive (antidepressants do that). My Fiance mentioned this to me a few days ago (waiting until marriage) and I agreed on it. Even though it’s only been a few days, it’s still soooo hard. For him, it doesn’t mean he’s not interested in sex, we just want it to be more (than usual) special on our wedding night. 

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