Advice Please, husbands ex is his coworker

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
10546 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Your husband IS disrespecting you and seems to enjoy having his flirtations with his ex/work wife. 

Maybe couples counseling?

Post # 3
Member
1859 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I’m getting an affair vibe from your post 😬 at the very least their relationship is extremely inappropriate and needs to stop. 

Post # 4
Member
1023 posts
Bumble bee

Er, I wouldn’t be happy with that situation either.  Talking to him has not been productive, and you don’t want to ask him to change jobs. Suggest see a therapist to get help on how to advocate for yourself better in this marriage, how to clearly state what you want and need from your husband, since it seems what you’ve said so far leaves you frustrated.

Post # 5
Member
6987 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Some of your husband’s behaviors here don’t just sound like he’s “not good with social stuff.” He’s actively misreading situations and creating conflict where none really needs to exist. He sounds like he might either be an ass (because the behaviors you describe include him yanking her chain and yours) or like he could be on the spectrum and because he’s not good at reading social cues or recognizing why a behavior is completely inappropriate (really- he tried to invite his recent ex to your intimate wedding?! That seems like a massive misread of a situation), he’s doing whatever he can in any given moment to avoid conflict with whomever is in front of him.

Also- your problem is NOT with her not getting over him. Your problem is with him not setting clear boundaries and showing her that he respects his own relationship and expects her to do the same, but again- he seems to be sending conflicting signals to everyone about what is expected in terms of her interactions with him and your interactions with her. It seems like you need to speak with him and for the two of you to get on (and stay on) the same page about what behaviors are okay and which ones aren’t in terms of his interactions with this co-worker. Since he seems like he might not be good at determining what those behaviors might be, you need to be explicit and clear about what you need.

Post # 7
Member
7655 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Taking all his work calls except for hers on speakerphone is pretty sketchy, Bee. He should be more concerned with you being upset than he is with her being upset. He needs to keep her at a professional arm’s length and it seems as if he isn’t. 

I’m getting a Jenn vibe here…

Post # 8
Member
697 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m so sorry. He’s totally still seeing this woman. You deserve better, and I’m pretty sure you know it. 

Post # 11
Member
1550 posts
Bumble bee

Maybe I’m misreading it, but I think it’s kinda gross how he talks about how it was her “loss” as if he’s some sort of prize that you won 🙄. And now he’s being extra nice and careful around her because the poor thing doesn’t have the privilege of spending the rest of her life with him…

Post # 12
Member
407 posts
Helper bee

It’s ok to be the person who isn’t cool with your husband carrying on affairs and or inappropriate relationships with opposite sex. Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking you’re being crazy. He’s being super inappropriate and if I were you I’d roll up on them a few times and bring him lunch, introduce yourself to this woman. If they’re not still sleeping together she is gunning for it and if he’s not vigilant god knows what kind of situation he’ll end up in. I’m really sorry bee this is really shitty and shifty on his part. 

Post # 13
Member
226 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
mrscarvao :  Nooooooooooooooooope. Holy disrespect. I, too, am getting an affair vibe from what you have said. What is your gut instinct telling you? He is playing you both. Even if he isn’t straight up having sex with her, this is not even remotely innocent. Best case scenario, he isn’t sleeping with her again. Worst case scenario, he is. Here’s the issue: he won’t move on from her either. He won’t cut her off. He won’t set boundaries. Why are you ok with this? You are his wife. You should come first, period. If something makes you uncomfortable about another female, he needs to honor that. This is ridiculous. Ask yourself: would YOU ever put HIM in this position?

Post # 14
Member
2389 posts
Buzzing bee

I get the feelling he’s been gaslighting you for the last decade, and you just no longer recognize it. 

You’re SO worried about not coming across as controlling or insecure. You wouldn’t be so preoccupied with NOT coming across this way unless it’s a common accusation your husband uses against you in order to invalidate your feelings.

In fact, I believe he’s got you gaslighting YOURSELF at this piont. At various points in your story, when women in healthy relationships would have put their foot down and demanded respect and boundaries, you brush off incidences b/c “I was cool with that.”

Also, the one example you give of putting your foot down – whether or not she was invited to your wedding – this asshole made you FIGHT FOR A WEEK over whether or not his very recent EX could come to your wedding?!?!

And I’m guessing his way of invalidating your very correct feelings on that matter were to call you uptight, insecure, jealous, controlling, etc.?

This guy is a real turd.

You are right. He is disrespecting you and invalidating your feelings at every single turn. 

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