Post # 1
My husband and I have dated 9 years, it would be 10 this month but we broke up for a year. During that year we grew separately and dated other people my husband dated a coworker. Ultimately we came back together and in a whirlwind of a 1.5 year period we got married a couple months ago. I knew when we reunited about his coworker ex and I’ve been okay with it. My issue has been with her not getting over their short relationship (7months) and having visceral/emotional charged issues with my husband since we’ve been together. I adore my husband but I know social things aren’t his strong point.
Our first 6 months of redating, He initially didn’t inform her he was dating someone (I had to ask him to do so, since she invited herself to his grandparents funeral 6/2016, who she never met). She responded with a big F you to him And has had a waxing and waning work relationship dependent on her mood. She’s sent him some emails saying she’s over him, she plans to quit and that she’ll keep it professional, but I’m not getting that vibe. Prior to us getting married (April 2017) She has invited DH out to events just the two of them, I’ve asked to join and the events have fallen through, my husband said it would be weird, so I said let’s double date and still nothing. Later on My husband tried to invite her to our intimate wedding and I had to explain why I was uncomfortable, he couldn’t understand why I didn’t want her there and we fought for a week. Fast forward to November i guess they had a paper ball fight and she got emotional saying she wouldn’t want her husband to do that so they stopped. Also within the month they met up with a mutual coworker for lunch (I was cool with that) but after getting asked about me and married life she through another fit, saying she was disappointed that their friend brung up his wedding and disappointed in my husband, my husband told her to get over herself. Earlier this month my husband had to do some work so we swung by his office and she comes later in the day but she doesn’t say hi to my husband and my husband doesn’t introduce us because he “wants to keep things separate and civil.” So I’m like okay that’s weird but hey if you want to do that DH it’s fine. Fast forward to Friday my husband is home has a work call it’s her, he’s usually transparent (speakerphone) but he isn’t when it’s with her. They were talking about supplies and apparently she saved his pto and they continued to laugh and So I don’t understand why she couldn’t be on speaker phone like everyone else. He stated that for the last 2-3 weeks things have turned around for them. Its just coincidental that it’s 3 weeks after he didn’t introduce us 🤔.
I told my husband with everything that has happened over the last 2 years I’m uncomfortable. He doesn’t relate to me and says I didn’t get the loss we’re married, she got all the loss. I’m happy being married but I have the gnawing feeling im being disrespected by my husband and her. I don’t feel supported and I feel as though my feelings are always being invalidated by him. It didn’t start bothering me till November and her statement of disappointment. Paperball fight was just whatever to me, lunch was cool they had someone else there. Everything else just irks me.
My husband enjoys his job so asking him to quit isn’t my thing. I’m trying to explain I need some boundaries in place and I’d like not to be called insecure for my perspective. I trust him and appreciate when’s he’s transparent. This just isn’t shaking me. Any bees with advice?
Post # 2
Your husband IS disrespecting you and seems to enjoy having his flirtations with his ex/work wife.
Maybe couples counseling?
Post # 3
I’m getting an affair vibe from your post 😬 at the very least their relationship is extremely inappropriate and needs to stop.
Post # 4
Er, I wouldn’t be happy with that situation either. Talking to him has not been productive, and you don’t want to ask him to change jobs. Suggest see a therapist to get help on how to advocate for yourself better in this marriage, how to clearly state what you want and need from your husband, since it seems what you’ve said so far leaves you frustrated.
Post # 5
Some of your husband’s behaviors here don’t just sound like he’s “not good with social stuff.” He’s actively misreading situations and creating conflict where none really needs to exist. He sounds like he might either be an ass (because the behaviors you describe include him yanking her chain and yours) or like he could be on the spectrum and because he’s not good at reading social cues or recognizing why a behavior is completely inappropriate (really- he tried to invite his recent ex to your intimate wedding?! That seems like a massive misread of a situation), he’s doing whatever he can in any given moment to avoid conflict with whomever is in front of him.
Also- your problem is NOT with her not getting over him. Your problem is with him not setting clear boundaries and showing her that he respects his own relationship and expects her to do the same, but again- he seems to be sending conflicting signals to everyone about what is expected in terms of her interactions with him and your interactions with her. It seems like you need to speak with him and for the two of you to get on (and stay on) the same page about what behaviors are okay and which ones aren’t in terms of his interactions with this co-worker. Since he seems like he might not be good at determining what those behaviors might be, you need to be explicit and clear about what you need.
Post # 6
Thanks guys. I’ve advocated for couples counseling and that made some headway last week. I just don’t want to be controlling, that’s not who I am.
Post # 7
Taking all his work calls except for hers on speakerphone is pretty sketchy, Bee. He should be more concerned with you being upset than he is with her being upset. He needs to keep her at a professional arm’s length and it seems as if he isn’t.
I’m getting a Jenn vibe here…
Post # 8
I’m so sorry. He’s totally still seeing this woman. You deserve better, and I’m pretty sure you know it.
Post # 10
Post # 11
Maybe I’m misreading it, but I think it’s kinda gross how he talks about how it was her “loss” as if he’s some sort of prize that you won 🙄. And now he’s being extra nice and careful around her because the poor thing doesn’t have the privilege of spending the rest of her life with him…
Post # 12
It’s ok to be the person who isn’t cool with your husband carrying on affairs and or inappropriate relationships with opposite sex. Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking you’re being crazy. He’s being super inappropriate and if I were you I’d roll up on them a few times and bring him lunch, introduce yourself to this woman. If they’re not still sleeping together she is gunning for it and if he’s not vigilant god knows what kind of situation he’ll end up in. I’m really sorry bee this is really shitty and shifty on his part.
Post # 13
Nooooooooooooooooope. Holy disrespect. I, too, am getting an affair vibe from what you have said. What is your gut instinct telling you? He is playing you both. Even if he isn’t straight up having sex with her, this is not even remotely innocent. Best case scenario, he isn’t sleeping with her again. Worst case scenario, he is. Here’s the issue: he won’t move on from her either. He won’t cut her off. He won’t set boundaries. Why are you ok with this? You are his wife. You should come first, period. If something makes you uncomfortable about another female, he needs to honor that. This is ridiculous. Ask yourself: would YOU ever put HIM in this position?
Post # 14
I get the feelling he’s been gaslighting you for the last decade, and you just no longer recognize it.
You’re SO worried about not coming across as controlling or insecure. You wouldn’t be so preoccupied with NOT coming across this way unless it’s a common accusation your husband uses against you in order to invalidate your feelings.
In fact, I believe he’s got you gaslighting YOURSELF at this piont. At various points in your story, when women in healthy relationships would have put their foot down and demanded respect and boundaries, you brush off incidences b/c “I was cool with that.”
Also, the one example you give of putting your foot down – whether or not she was invited to your wedding – this asshole made you FIGHT FOR A WEEK over whether or not his very recent EX could come to your wedding?!?!
And I’m guessing his way of invalidating your very correct feelings on that matter were to call you uptight, insecure, jealous, controlling, etc.?
This guy is a real turd.
You are right. He is disrespecting you and invalidating your feelings at every single turn.
Post # 15
when he said that I responded with oh so that’s how you see it, huh. He’s not really a jerk but sometimes he’s vapid & surface level.