Advice Please, husbands ex is his coworker

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
9728 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Your husband is a dick.

You should not have married him or stuck around for 10 years.

Post # 33
Member
5954 posts
Bee Keeper

mrscarvao : ” I’m scared I’m pushing him to cheat “

So no matter how big of a douchenoodle he is, it’s your fault somehow? Fuck that, Bee. Re-read your own sentence and LOOK at how conditioned you’ve become to excusing him and blaming yourself. 

Post # 34
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

I was on team Give Hubby The Benefit of the Doubt until I read this comment: “He has stated in passing that men may as well cheat if they get accused all the time. I’ve never accused him. I’ve only stated my discomfort.”

He pulled that line from Gaslighting 101. It doesn’t mean he’s cheating *necessarily,* but it’s a tactic that gets you to fear even asking about the situation. It’s a super disrespectful thing to do to a spouse.

He might just be awkward and/or he likes the attention he gets from his ex and doesn’t want that to end (my vote’s on the latter). But with comments like the one I quoted above, he is giving himself an “out” if/when it turns into an affair, because he can come back at you and say it’s your fault, you drove him to it by “accusing” him. See how that works?

I’m so sorry he has put you in this situation. You sound like a smart woman who trusts her husband (that’s a good trait, even if they are undeserving). I don’t think all hope is lost, but I suggest drawing a line in the sand and demanding couples counseling immediately. 

Post # 35
Member
6435 posts
Bee Keeper

mrscarvao :  Your husband is downright disrepecting you.  Either he respects your marriage to you or not.  It’s not what he’s been doing.  Rude as anything

Post # 36
Member
1319 posts
Bumble bee

you can’t push someone to cheat. an honorable person would exit the relationship at that point. him saying that ‘people who get accused all the time will cheat’ is a not-so-subtle threat to shut you up and lay the groundwork to blame you for his behavior. gross.

Post # 37
Member
8263 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

mrscarvao :  

your problem is NOT with her not getting over him. Your problem is with him not setting clear boundaries and showing her that he respects his own relationship and expects her to do the same,

Yes , this that  twilight said. He loves  having  her and you vying for his affections and you are doing yourself no good at all with letting it happen and being cool and non-controlling   about it . 

Tell that arse to stop this situation now  and  pay attention  to his wife’s feelings and wishes  –  if he wants to retain said wife, that is !

Post # 38
Member
1597 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

mrscarvao :  I don’t think she’s the only one who isn’t over it.

Post # 39
Member
629 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

Feelings are your innate, animal INSTINCTS that guide you when you’re interacting with others, and warn you when you’re in danger. Grasshoppers have antennae, we have “that gut feeling”. You must ALWAYS listen to your feelings, your gut will never steer you wrong! This man is lying to you, and getting you to ignore what every fiber of your being is screaming at you!!  Im so sorry, Bee. That’s rotten to the core.

Post # 40
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

To be honest I think the person disrespecting you is your husband and not this woman. She was already seeing him before you got together (or got back together) she had clearly fallen for him then suddenly he’s got a woman then they get married really quickly, it must be awful for her. Your husband hasn’t been straight up with her, he hoped she would just go away but he should of told her you were back together immediately. He’s probably enjoying the attention. 

Post # 41
Member
2747 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

mrscarvao :  I have to wonder if *she* broke up with him over some argument and that’s how he ended up back with you….

Often if a couple only “date” for many years (9 you said?) it’s because one is unwilling to commit/marry the other…. Maybe it’s a stretch but his commentary about his being a prize, along with suddenly being willing to get married  *and* wanting to invite *her* to see it, seem rather suspect…. almost like wanting/ hoping to  punish her… 

At the very least he is enjoying her attention and maybe even your discomfort. Have NO doubt, he *is* being disrespectful to you and there is much more to this. 

Post # 45
Member
1455 posts
Bumble bee

You excuse your Darling Husband for many of the basic red flags other women immediately pick up on, by saying he is socially awkward and comes across as vapid and shallow.  My dear, just because a man is socially awkward and has a tendency to make dumbass comments does not mean he isn’t also manipulative and is cheating on you behind your back.  Being socially awkward and ignorant of social cues does not mean a man is an innocent and a pure hearted person.  

There are SO many things that show your Darling Husband is up to no good.  You keep wanting to justify and turn a blind eye to all of his boundary stomping behavior like an over protective mother.  Just because you are socially awkward does NOT mean he does not understand boundaries (sorry even dogs understand boundaries) and not giving two sh*ts about your feelings as his wife.  

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